‘Til Death Do Us Part: Carmen and Dave, Episode 3: Showered with Love

This episode begins with Carmen ring shopping at Neil Lane, jeweler to the stars. Dave is on tour, so she’s choosing her wedding band solo. Just for fun she tries on an engagement ring that’s over 14 carats - she likes it. What’s not to like? The band she selects is platinum with diamonds, circa 1902-1930, and costs about $5,000. Her budget was $20,000, so the clerk jokes that if she wants something more substantial they can do it. She’s happy that the ring she loves is also at a really good price. It really is beautiful, channel set, and goes nicely with her square-cut solitaire engagement ring. Her engagement ring looks to be about 5 or 6 carats, but they don’t say, and it’s hard to judge from television.

Back at the house Carmen talks on the phone with Dave. While he puts her on hold to take another call she interviews that they talk often on the phone, and that they are best friends. He’s the most awesome person she ever met. Dave says that everyone is full of advice about the house, like which plumber to use. They don’t even know which bank the other uses. He asks her if she’s unhappy with the house, and she isn’t, but imagined it would be bigger and more beautiful. He says that’s like the second time she saw his penis - she was disappointed it was so much smaller than she remembered.

She laughs. I laugh. If you watched, admit it… you laughed too.

They talk about the ring she chose, and he tells her she can upgrade if she wants. She says that the bigger diamonds don’t look as nice with the ring. He is touched, and thinks she’s about the only woman on the planet who would say something like that. That’s actually not true, as I downsized my engagement ring because the one my fiancé chose was too big for my taste. Trust me girls, all men - not only Dave Navarro - appreciate that gesture so much.

Back to the couple you actually are here to read about, Carmen tells Dave she loves him and would take a ring from a candy machine to marry him. He tells her he knows, but wants her to be “f**cking iced.” He calls her ‘dude’ during this conversation, marking the first time I have ever found it cute when a man refers to a woman as dude. She says that she has the sexiest guy in the world, and he wants to know who! She’ll tell him later. How much cuter can they get?

After the commercials, we return to Dave on stage in Scotland, home of this years MTV EMA Awards. He’s been away from home for almost 2 months now. He’s been asked if having a different girl every night gets old, the same way sushi does. He says no, you never get tired of that. He says that Carmen certainly knows there was a period of his life in which he indulged in groupies. But he would get hurt when, after spending the night with someone, they would ask him to sign something. He felt used. He fell in love every night. Now his heart won’t even let him look in another direction, and that’s cool.

That’s so much more than cool.

Now Dave is in front of the press at the EMA’s. He talks about how he and Carmen have been engaged for two years now, and they are always being asked if they are still together, or when they’re getting married. He’s glad to finally be able to say that the wedding is in two weeks.

Back at the house, Carmen prepares for the food tasting with the chef and her bridesmaids. She talks to one of her friends about how when she would think about bridal showers, she would always think of a bunch of girls passing around dildos, looking at them, and taking pictures with them. Wow. I have lived a sheltered life - I always found bridal showers to be filled sewing kits and kitchen appliances you’ll never use. Carmen is looking forward to the shower her friends have planned, since they are all really funny. She’s hoping for a skating party, but will be happy with anything. Another of her friends shows up and Carmen compliments her on how tiny she looks now, and her friend says it’s the bridesmaid diet. That’s really funny; I’m on the bride diet right now, and the folks on Survivor eat more than I do these days.

The food tasting begins, and apparently everything is delicious. It’s really sweet how grateful and polite Carmen is to the chefs. She has beautiful manners. She says she will definitely hit the gym today, since she tends to fluctuate, and wants to stay on the small side. On one level, I was like, how totally relatable, even perfect people worry about that. On another level, the compare and contrast makes me want to kill myself, so we’ll stop thinking about it.

Carmen’s bridal shower is being set up at someone’s house. Randie, the wedding planner, is there orchestrating the girls throwing the party. Way to stay organized. Tai goes to pick up Carmen for the party. Carmen has no idea where they are once they arrive. After the usual girly greetings where everyone squeals with happiness, then pours a drink, we see a caricature someone had made of Carmen and Dave. She jokes that he will love the way his body looks, but hate the receding hairline. She thinks it’s funny that they highlighted her pootch. This girl is so self-deprecating you can’t even hate her for being so pretty.

Everyone sits down for the first entertainment of the evening - Mika Winkler, a stripper who happens to be a little person. For some reason I don’t understand, she is wearing a blonde pig-tailed wig and carrying a teddy bear. That’s a little creepy; I don’t like the inference. She is there to dance for Carmen and to get a little dirty. As she dances, the girls chant, “Go Mika!”

After Mika, Carmen’s friend Melissa is preparing for her show. She and another girl, will perform a fire dance. As she twirls the fire thingies around, unlit, she almost smacks herself in the face. This looks like it could go horribly wrong. As she soaks those things in lighter fluid, someone tells Carmen that Melissa really wants to do this. Someone else tells Melissa to be careful not to burn the house down - she doesn’t want to get sued. They do a dance in which they twirl fire ball thingies on chains.

Give me a break. That isn’t the easiest scene to recap when you have no knowledge of fire twirling nomenclature.

The dance is over, no one is injured, and the house is still standing. Next, Carmen opens presents, including some lingerie, a picture of her and Dave where she is topless, and a very cool throw with their names on it. The girls do the traditional bridal shower game of making wedding gowns out of toilet paper, then bring out the cake. The cake is decorated with male genitalia made out of frosting and a very large, strategically placed candle. What would life be like without girlfriends, huh? Carmen interviews that she had the best time, and has such great friends.

Party over, Carmen is in a recording studio singing “Santa Baby.” She has a really good voice. She’s singing this for the new Pussycat Dolls record. She notes that the line “come and trim my Christmas tree” is kinda naughty. “Snip snip.”

Faithful wedding planner Randie meets Carmen at the studio to discuss the wedding. Carmen says they are way over budget, and Randie pulls out her trusty spreadsheets. She shows Carmen how they can save 50 grand by moving it to the St. Regis Hotel. Randie is hoping for the location decision to come in soon since the wedding is less than a month away.

Next week: Carmen and Dave head to Vegas for the bachelor and bachelorette parties.

Before Jamie discovered the joys of writing about reality TV, she interviewed musicians for the website she co-owns, AceFrehleyOnline.com. She can be reached with comments or job offers at j.goralski@sbcglobal.net.

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