‘Til Death Do Us Part: Carmen and Dave, Episode 4: Sweet Return

Carmen and Dave begin this episode with a romantic story: They are at their joint bachelor/bachelorette party, and are getting a lap dance by a blonde stripper. She’s on top of them both, grinding away, and Dave farts. Dave laughs, as Carmen goes on about how horribly it smelled, and how he was sitting there with his girl – a naked blonde – on their laps, and he lets one rip. Dave feels that it’s actually a compliment. That he is so comfortable with Carmen, and so in love with her that he can do that. Also, that the stripper must not have been that hot if he did that, if she were, he would have squeezed it off.

Farting is complimentary? I am learning so much from this show.

Carmen meets with Randie to discuss changing the venue of the wedding. The Hendrix Estate isn’t going to work out. They are at the St. Regis Hotel, and making arrangements to hold the ceremony and reception there. The hotel woman (I don’t know the titles for people who make their livings in the hospitality industry, sorry) suggests a seating arrangement. Randie thinks they only need a couple of chairs. The rest of the guests can sit on white pillows, that would be more Carmen’s style.

What a bad idea. A lot of people don’t like to get up and down from sitting on the floor in their formal wear, for one thing. For another, what about the people who need chairs because getting up and down would be a problem physically? How pleased they will be to be singled out in such an obvious way. Everyone on the floor except pregnant ladies, their grandparents, and Hugh Heffner. That isn’t very nice.

Carmen and Randie talk about how she is about to get sick. She isn’t sick yet, but has that achy rundown feeling you have before you come down with something. She doesn’t want to be sick at the wedding. Carmen tells Randie that Dave was thinking of cutting costs on the suites, only to be told the suites are complimentary.

Isn’t it ironic how the more money you have, the more stuff people comp you? Not that I’m jealous or anything, and not that anyone is giving us anything free for our wedding. Okay, I’m a little jealous.

They tour the honeymoon suite and Carmen loves it. She puts her hand on the bed to test it, and Randie laughs about how important that is. Carmen says she would say, “this is where the magic happens,” but if she hears that one more time on Cribs she’s going to be sick. I hear ya.

They are definitely having the wedding and reception at the St. Regis Hotel. The hotel woman (you and I both wish I had a better title for her) tells Carmen she has already talked to Randie, and they are getting them $109 dollar room rate.

See above rant about comping the rich.

Carmen doesn’t want to appear cheap with her concerns about expenses. That isn’t cheap, that’s smart. If I had a dollar for every time I have uttered the words, “I’m really not cheap, but…” over the last month, that alone could finance my wedding.

Carmen heads into Agent Provocateur, a lingerie shop, for something to wear underneath her wedding dress. Dave bought her first Valentine’s Day present from that store, once upon a time. She has a very classic dress, so she wants something sexy underneath. They find a garter belt that is virginal, and Carmen laughs at how that ship has sailed. She and Tai debate whether to wear a g-string or a full panty. Carmen likes wearing the g-strings with jeans and pants, but with the dress she thinks she wants regular panties. Tai agrees, saying that a panty with coverage is indicative of going forward and is more ethereal. Sounds stupid in type, but she’s totally right. They check out, and Tai gasps at $900 for some panties and a bra. Nice to know some people in Hollywood still think that kinda thing is ridiculous, unlike some people, :::coughjessicasimpsoncough:::

Back at the house Carmen is lonely, because Dave has been on tour for two months. Lo and behold, it’s a limo… it’s Dave! I know, usually when I use an exclamation point it’s due to sarcasm, but this time I’m genuinely excited. They kiss and hug and do all the things people in love do when reunited after a time apart. Well, the things they can do in front of a camera crew, anyway. As they smooch, Dave takes Carmen’s face in his hands and says, “look at your little face!” cementing his role as the most endearing man on television.