The Littlest Groom, Episode 1: So Many Women, So Little Time

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a reality show squeeze quite so much into a single episode as I did tonight. After rolling the dice with several high profile ratings bombs in the reality genre of late (The Next Joe Millionaire anyone?), Fox decided to play it safe and limit its controversial dating program featuring little people to a mere two episodes. It’s a decision the schedulers may come to regret. The reality miniseries has a big curiosity buzz around it that should attract a decent audience and the people cast for the show look like they would be very interesting if we actually had the time to get to know them better. Unfortunately, almost half are eliminated before we get more than a passing glance at them.

First, credit should be given where credit is due. The show allows its characters the same dignity and respect (or in some cases, disrespect) that is seen on any other reality dating show. It’s almost ironic that the “normal” sized people on the show are the ones that seem out of place. If someone makes a fool of him or herself it’s because of the foibles of personality, not because they are being exploited for their diminutive size.

Fox seems hell bent and determined to squeeze every possible cliché into this two-part series, and of course no show in the “dating” genre would be complete without a mansion. This one is a beauty. I’ve often wondered where they find these places. In today’s hard-times economy where even the fabulously wealthy are having to pinch pennies, do down-on-their-luck celebrities get phone calls from their agents like this:

“Hello Zsa-Zsa? It’s me Tony. You know… your agent! Yeah, I know and I’m sorry I haven’t called you in 10 months, but I have some good news. No, it’s not Simple Life 2. I told you I tried my best on that one. They aren’t interested. But look… I’ve got a part on a TV series… no hon, it’s not for you… it’s for your house. They’re offering good money. What’s that? Well, actually they need it to be empty, but they say they’ll put you up at the local YWCA for a couple of weeks as a bonus…”

We are greeted at the mansion by hostess Dani Behr, who sports the British accent apparently required by Fox for its dating show hosts, and we are informed that, although the girls don’t know it, the winner will receive a Mediterranean cruise and a two-carat diamond ring as prizes.

Dani introduces us to the gentleman of the moment. His name is Glen Foster and he’s a cellular technician born in Philadelphia some 23 years ago. He tells us that he’s looking for a best friend, someone he can laugh with and argue with. He wants a beautiful woman with a good heart who is also an honest girl. (What did you expect him to say? “I’m looking for a bearded she-demon who will treat me like dirt and laugh at me as my heart breaks!”) He’s basically a hopeless romantic… or so he would have us think. He also mentions in the show that, although he doesn’t consider himself a “playah,” he feels a gentleman “really knows how to sweet-talk the ladies.” He is quickly ushered onto a balcony. Below him are the 12 women from which he will try to find his true love. He greets them and proposes a toast. In fact, this first episode is filled with more toasts than the weddings of Ernest and Julio Gallo. “Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies,” he says as he raises his glass to them.

He heads downstairs and begins to mingle with the women. Although there are indeed 12, we are only introduced to seven of them as Glen attempts to engage in conversations:

Maxie is 21 years of age and is an education major. She tells Glen that she wants to teach third graders because they are about her own height.

Marissa is shown briefly telling Glen that she enjoys giving massages. She is 22.

Mika is an aspiring actress and, like Glen, is 23 years old. She says she has mostly dated average size guys and that she is very shy.

As Glen is speaking with Mika they are interrupted by Kaaren, age 36, who requests some time to speak privately with him. We don’t get to see what she has to say.

Leann is studying child development and psychology and is 26 years old. She bears more than a slight resemblance to Rosie O’Donnell.

Jenny is 21 years old and into off-road racing and four-wheelers. In an interview sequence she says that if things start moving toward marriage she will back out quickly. She is not ready to get married.

Kacie, age 25 speculates as to whether or not Glen is a natural blonde.

As the party begins to get into full swing, Dani enters and tells everyone that the first elimination is about to take place. Huh? But we haven’t even met all the women yet! As is customary, a gift will be given to each contestant who will be staying in the game and the others must leave. This is brutal. The women haven’t even had a chance to unpack yet!