The Surreal Life 2, Episode 5: I See Nude People

Yes, that’s right, it’s ME, Phil Kural, everyone’s third or fourth favorite RNO writer! I’m filling in this week, and I’m sure you’re as happy to have me as I am to be here. So with that, let me tell you what happened previously on The Surreal Life. Basically, Traci Bingham tried to get everyone naked at Ron Jeremy’s pool party, although she wouldn’t do it herself, Andy Dick dropped by and made out with Trishelle, and Vanilla Ice went on and on about how much he hates his past. There ya go, you’re caught up in a nutshell.

We begin this week with Ice rapping. Tammy is reading the Bible as usual, while Trishelle and Traci have just woken up and Ron is sitting in his bed talking to them. He tells both girls that they look cute in the morning, even if they don’t feel like they do. Ice continues to rap, and at one point says he paved the way for Eminem. Give me a break - he wishes. Traci compliments Ron on his hairy chest, even though I think it looks ultra-shaved and nasty. Erik decides he wants to rap too, but Ice has had enough and strolls out of the room.

The Surreal Times arrives and Traci tells the other cast members that they will be receiving a phone call from a special guest. As everyone gathers around the phone, it rings. Turns out it’s Vince Neil, from the last season of The Surreal Life. He tells all of them that he is sitting in Palm Springs at a resort. Oh, and guess what, they are going too! They are told to pack their bags because this is an overnight trip. Erik asks what the dress is, and Vince just mutters that it’s casual. Everyone starts packing and Tammy tells the camera they are happy to get out of the house for awhile. Ice is just excited to meet Vince and, uh-oh, Trishelle can’t find her shoes. Everyone is packed and loaded in the van. Off they go!

On the way, Ice says they should do beat box. He starts it off and Tammy is amazed. Ron does a rap about Traci, probably written by Ice. Then he does one about Tammy, noting that three quarters of her fan club is gay, the Pope won’t accept them, but Tammy can change that. On the way, Erik sees they are going past one of his favorite places to eat, so they stop at “The Farm House Restaurant.” As they walk in, Traci says it’s a bunch of crazy people. Erik is barraged by fans, and introduces them to his roommates, calling Trishelle “Trisha” in the process. Glad he’s really getting to know everyone. Some lady whips out Madonna’s Sex book, which has Ice in it. Glad to see she carries that with her, everywhere. Erik notes that some of the pictures were very sexy, and Ice tells Traci that he dated Madonna for eight months. Time’s up though, and everyone loads back in the van.

Finally, they get to the resort. Ron says it looks like any other resort, and then we see Vince Neil, giving the camera the finger. Everyone walks in and greets Vince and his girlfriend Lea. Tammy is slow to walk in, not knowing what to expect. Ron asks Vince how his season was when it ended. Vince responds that it was good, and they all keep in touch. Ron asks “Even Corey?” to which Vince says, “Umm, no.” Priceless. So Vince introduces them to Barry, who emerges from behind the counter without pants on. Apparently, it’s a nudist resort. Tammy is out the door faster than you can say “Bible toting Jesus lover.” Trishelle says that nobody knew he was nude, but then he comes from behind the counter, with his pe-pe chillin' in the breeze. Tammy is outside and says she will pay for a room at the hotel across the street. She won’t stay there because it’s not right to her. She vowed never to cry again on TV, but they made her cry. Those bastards, I love Tammy Faye! The rest of the cast goes and comforts Tammy, telling her they support her if she wants to stay somewhere else. Tammy gets put up in the other hotel and says she’ll see everyone later that night.

The others go back in the resort and are showed to their rooms. Erik says it’s a mixed bag of nuts there, and tells Ice that everyone is wondering how “big” they are. The nudists are everywhere and Trishelle is amazed. Traci says it’s packed with nudists of all shapes and sizes, but Ice doesn’t find any of them attractive. Trishelle makes a comment about seeing more penises in one day then she could care to see in her whole life, but for some reason, I find that hard to believe. Traci chants that it’s time to get naked and Ron is fine with that. Ice notes that without his wife, he’ll take off nothing. This is not romantic, it’s disgusting, according to Ice. Some lady tells them all to just make sure they bring their towel everywhere. It’s nudist etiquette that you never sit bare-bottomed anywhere. Nudists have rules? Good for them! Traci decides to wax, but unfortunately, Ron isn’t allowed to help.

Time for volleyball! The Surreal Lifers versus the nudists! If The Surreal Lifers win, they get a lobster dinner off the property. If they lose, it’s dinner, naked, at the resort. The first team to 15 wins. Oh, and they get extra points if any of them get naked. Vince, Erik and Ron each take off their tops for half a point. Oh, so does Lea, so The Surreal Lifers begin with a 2 point lead. Game on, and TSL scores the first point. However, after that, it’s downhill. Trishelle can’t concentrate on their faces, and keeps looking down. Basically, TSL is losing 12-9, and are told they can get some points by losing some clothes. Traci and Ron go back and forth, but nobody loses anything. Ron says he’s not embarrassed to get nude, but doesn’t want to do it alone. So they continue to play, and three points later, TSL loses the game. Erik gives a sarcastic “Yeah, sure, I’ll eat nude.”