‘Til Death Do Us Part: Carmen and Dave, Episode 5: Spring Cleaning

Carmen gets us right into to the swing of things this week by sharing one of her favorite sexy moments: a scene in a Red Hot Chili Peppers video in which Dave and Anthony made out. Dave is thrilled – finally, someone understands what a sexy moment that was. Obviously, he was meant to be with Carmen, the one person who gets it. Somewhere in Beverly Hills, Nicole Richie, who said on The Simple Life that it’s hot when two guys make out, is saying, “Hello? What about me?” Dave says that the sexiest thing he can think of is his bride-to-be, Carmen.

The couple shares a quiet moment at home. Carmen reads a really sweet card that her dad sent them about how wonderful it is that they’ve found each other. She’s very excited about all of the guests arriving. Dave can’t believe the wedding is in only two days. “We’ve got to figure some s**t out,” he declares.

One of the things they need to choose is their first song. Carmen has one in mind, but Dave can’t think of what it is. As he boots up the computer to listen to it, Carmen collapses on the bed, exhausted. Dave reminds her that the next day, all they have is the rehearsal dinner, which shouldn’t be too stressful. Carmen agrees that it will be fine. Dave, by the way, is wearing a black hooded sweatshirt with the hood up and looks kind of evil.

Dave finds the song and the two of them listen to it. I don’t know the title of the song (and don’t email me to tell me what it is, because I don’t really care that much), but it’s a very nice love song. Carmen says that the song means a lot to her because it reminds her of some difficult times she and Dave went through together. For a while, she thought they’d break up, but they made it. As they listen to the song, they kiss and both start crying. Looks like they’ve found the perfect song.

The next morning, Carmen works out at a dance studio. She says that she and Dave are both worried that they’re going to get sick from all of the pre-wedding stress. They’re both going to get B-12 shots, and will generally do whatever they can to feel better.

Dave is taking care of himself by going to a holistic healing center for a colonic. He thinks it will help him feel better by flushing out his system, and as a bonus, he says that the procedure is “somewhat erotic.” He says it’s like his last chance to have a woman touch him in an intimate way before he gets married. Inside, we meet Rysia, the technician. She explains briefly what she’s going to do (and makes a point of showing us that the tubes are all disposable) and says that colonics are good for your body because basically, we are all full of s**t. Rysia laughs and reminds me of a sort of alternative therapy version of Dr. Ruth.

Meanwhile, Carmen visits her chiropractor. She says that with all of the stress she and Dave have been going through, it’s like they’re getting ready for the Olympics. In the end, though, it’ll be worth it. Carmen Electra the sex symbol apologizes to the doctor for her hairy legs. Several bone-cracking adjustments later, and he’s done. Carmen feels great.

Back with Dave, Rysia points out all of the many soothing items the center has – fountains, wind chimes, and so forth. Dave jokes that it’s all there to help you forget that you have a tube shoved into your nether regions. Judy, a cranial therapist, joins Dave and Rysia and massages his head and neck. Dave jokingly asks her if she finds him less attractive now that she’s seen him like this, and she assures him that she does not. Rysia says, “Every man loves two women,” and Dave agrees that it’s like his own private bachelor party. Heh. Once the procedure is over, Dave says he’ll be back after the wedding to get rid of some of that wedding cake. Heh. And also, ew.

Back at Carmen and Dave’s house, Carmen says that Dave is getting sick. Their doctor makes a house call to take care of him and brings a wedding gift – a sample pack of Viagra. The doctor examines Dave and finds that he has an ear infection. He gives Carmen the ear scope thing and lets her look first at Dave’s healthy ear, then at his infected ear. Carmen peers into Dave’s ear and jokes, “Yep, that’s a sick one all right.” Carmen and Dave play doctor, looking at each other’s throats, while the doctor prepares an antibiotic shot for Dave.

Carmen mentions that she’s given people shots before, and the doctor offers to let her do it again. At first she demurs, saying that it was a spur of the moment thing. Dave points out that this would certainly be spontaneous, so she agrees. The doctor directs her to give Dave the shot in the high outside quadrant of his butt. Okay, people. I am terrified of needles. I’ve seen the movie Pulp Fiction at least a dozen times. Remember the scene where they give Uma Thurman the adrenaline shot to the heart? I have never watched it because I’m always covering my eyes and cowering. The last time I had to have blood drawn, I almost fainted. And yet I watched this entire scene, including the part where Carmen puts the needle into Dave and almost drops it. That is just how dedicated I am to you people.