The Osbournes, Season 3, Episode 4: The Family Jewels . . . and How to Lose Them

Here we are at Episode Four of the third season and with little news to speak of this week, we’ll jump right into the show.

The episode opens with Ozzy having his hair worked on. Sharon watches the procedure, as Ozzy berates her to stop spending so much money. A woman off-camera states that Sharon is working for her money now, so she should be able to do some spending if she wants. “Yeah,” Ozzy replies, “but she (bleeping) spends it and I don’t get none of it.” Sharon gasps in mock surprise at Ozzy’s comments, then bends over to give him a kiss. Ozzy states that Sharon’s response is just her way of trying to get on his good side. Still, he can’t stay mad at her, requesting only that she not go to the “(bleeping) store” to buy more jewelry. Pointing at a piece of jewelry around Sharon’s neck, “I could have bought (beeping) Alcatraz for the price of that.” Sharon brushes off the comment, asking, “Who wants Alcatraz?”

After the opening credits, which tell us that the title of the episode is “Return of the Ring,” we see Ozzy turning the house upside-down while looking for his diamond-encrusted pinky ring. He found the safety ring that holds it in place, but he can’t find the pinky ring itself. He gets so frustrated that he vows the family – especially Sharon – will no longer buy any more jewelry.

In the bedroom later, Sharon tells Jack that Ozzy lost his ring, and Jack teases his father for acting like a “five-year-old.” Sharon then mentions that she, Ozzy, and Kelly had been invited to go to Cirque de Soleil to meet the crew and see the show. Ozzy pouts that he doesn’t want to go to the “(bleeping) circus.” Sharon tries to explain that it is not a circus “with animals,” but Ozzy refuses to listen and Sharon quickly gives up.

Daytime arrives, and Sharon is in the living room talking to a jeweler who has brought some items for Sharon to buy. Sharon seems to love anything thrown at her by the jeweler, but decides to take each piece up to the bedroom for Ozzy to look at. Ozzy, in a foul mood already due to losing his ring, hates everything she brings up to show him; with good reason – most of it is horrible. “It’s a (bleeping) Ozzy Osbourne nightmare,” Ozzy exclaims at one point, forcing Sharon to tell him to keep his voice down as “they’re downstairs!” After Sharon brings up a necklace that looks like a doorknob, Ozzy is just fed up. “Here, Sharon, wear this (bleeping) chandelier.”

Ozzy is next seen being driven to a rehearsal for his upcoming tour. He tells his assistant Tony that he is so preoccupied about the ring that he can’t think of anything else. He mentions that the ring is supposedly worth something like a “quarter of a million,” which does not help his mood at all. Later on, Tony tries to cheer him up at the rehearsal, but Ozzy won’t have it and as they drive back home, Tony tells Ozzy that the jewelry buying has got to stop if it is driving him this crazy. Ozzy agrees, but he lays the blame on Sharon. When someone gives you an expensive gift, Ozzy points out, you can’t just tell them to “(bleep) off”, you end up having to wear it in order to save face.

Back at the house, Sharon looks at more jewelry (including a pearl necklace that has a price tag of $117,000 on it), and then mentions that a photographer is coming over to take pictures of the dogs. The photographer is next seen at the house, trying to do his job while the Osbournes’ dog Colin – another bulldog – is continuously trying to hump the photographer’s leg.

In the next scene,Colin tries to do the same thing to a woman sitting on the couch at the house and Sharon lets it be known that Colin’s humping days will soon be over, as he to be neutered within the next few days. The following scene shows the vet coming by to look at Colin and set the arrangements.

Moving onward, Ozzy eats what appears to be lunch with another guest at the house, and he is ranting once again about the pinky ring. The woman asks if Ozzy has looked in his pockets for the ring. “I’ve looked up my ass,” is Ozzy’s reply.