Average Joe 2, Episodes 7 & 8: Fat Suits and Submarines

One last time from the bushes and then I'm heading into the States to follow Larissa around on her "hometown tours." Just when you were worried that I wouldn't be there for you. Me? Not there for you? Don't be ridiculous my little darlings! I'm here, there, and everywhere to bring you all the news that's fit to print and then some...

I was going to give you my Complete Guide to Dating Success this week, wasn't I? What fun we were going to have – but they fooled me, it wasn't the finale! We have yet ONE more week of Average Joe. So, next week, we'll discuss the Dating Game. Until then, let's peek in and see what Larissa and the boys are up to, shall we?

Wait! This just in... C. Brian Devinney has been attacked by an evil virus and is unable to bring you this week's recap? All is lost! Fear not, my fine feathered friends, remember... I'm here for you. We'll have a crayon-stealing, egg-tossing, fun-filled recap. How's that? Well, it'll have to be okay cuz I'm all you've got right now! Okay, first, let's take a look back and get caught up from last week.

Glass-blowing, a volcano, my worst nightmare, and a fat suit! What more could you ask for on an episode of Average Joe? Let's take a look at what exactly went on to create such an odd array of events!

Larissa and her boys were first off to make some glass. I thought this was pretty cool, actually. It's not as easy as it looks. Michael C. makes... something. It's basically a blob is what it is. Way to go, Mr. Man! Michael is the man! Yeah, I didn't think so either but apparently Larissa does because she asks him to go on a private date. It's all in fairness, you know. It's like Melana all over again.

Anyway, for their private date, the two get to go up on top of a mountain at sunset. The clouds are everywhere beneath them, they admire the view and talk about how it looks like they could just walk out on top of the clouds. Go ahead, Mike! Take a few steps, I'm sure you'll be fine. You can be like the Philadelphia Cream Cheese Angel. She's okay up there. No? Hmmm, I guess he's not as stupid as he looks.

He tells Larissa how he has a quiet, serious side. All the while he is shifting his eyes around and won't shut up and is being completely not quiet or serious. She's falling for it though, she even says she's falling for him. (Gag.) In the sweetest, teenybopper move I've ever seen, they search for the first star of the night and make a wish. Kiss, kiss, slobber, slobber. Awww.

God, this man blew up your date a few days ago. Larissa, methinks you're not too bright. Egg for you! Splat! Ha! (Back to my hiding place).

The next day, all the boys are together once again for a hike through a cave. It looks a little dangerous but I doubt anyone will die, so moving on. There is a big tiki statue/idol/scary looking thing that they must covet. The man holding the tiki when they leave the cave will get a private date with Larissa. I'm thinking, "Alright! Charge for the idol, boys!" It's not to be, however, Larissa chooses again. And this time, it's Fredo that gets the "alone" time.

This is where my worst nightmare comes in. They are going out to the ocean (I'm scared of the big water) at NIGHT (terrified of dark, big water) swimming with giant rays (panic attack, full blown panic attack and... now I'm dead of a massive coronary). My worst nightmare, I am telling you. That is it right there. I'm a good swimmer but there is no way in hell or any other thing you can think up that I would ever get into an ocean, at night, with gigantic fish (no matter what they may be), swimming around me. So, you can see, I was highly traumatized by this segment. Larissa's panic pales in comparison to my shaking hands and crumbling crayons. She does get into the water with Fredo and they seem to be having a good time. I'll just sneak away back to the house now and steal some of David's leftover valium. Ahhhhh, that's better. I need a good night's sleep before the fat suit tomorrow.

The big day arrives! I can't wait to see what the boys do with this! Larissa is overly excited and walks us through each step of the procedure. At least she didn't walk the streets like Melana did. Anyway, the boys come in to meet "Mom" (a.k.a. Larissa) and her friend, Sarah. Most of them get through the question period fairly well. Except of course, Michael. I knew he'd be an idiot and he was. When asked what was the most unattractive physical feature a woman could have, he replied with something akin to being overweight. Is he really that stupid? Obviously that answer didn't go over too well.

In fact, it was so poorly received that it ended up being the excuse for "Mom" to leave the island. All the boys got together and made a nice tape for Mrs. Meek – in which Michael apologizes yet again for making a complete ass of himself. It's getting pretty old at this point. If you find that you need to constantly apologize for your behavior, may I suggest modifying said behavior a tad? It's not rocket science, folks!

As if what he said to her face wasn't bad enough, Michael can't stop there. He goes on – privately in front of millions of people because this is reality TELEVISION, YOU MORON – to say that he wouldn't be interested in Larissa if she was overweight. Obviously, she sees this. She isn't impressed.