The Bachelorette 2 Finale: Thank God, It’s Over

Okay, so I’ve been a little late in getting this out but it was for a very good reason – there was a run on starburst nipple shields at K-Mart and I had to get down there and buy up my share before that evil wench Julie Andrews did and flashed the cameras at the Oscars. But I do have some news for everyone so I hope you’re all seated and have had your requisite glass of Veuve (my champagne of choice, you would think they would have given me my own endorsement contract by now considering how many people have tried their bubbly under my recommendation).

I’m taking a leave of absence from The Bachelor/ette. It’s just for one season and it’s not because I’ve been cast to go on a gay version of the show or that Mike Fleiss is letting me host a gay version of his show or that I’m doing any show at all it’s just that after six seasons of this show… well, I just need a break, people. And for the record, this has nothing to do with the five men I was dating at one time that actually resembled an edition of The Bachelor because they kept dropping like flies until just one guy remained and well… he dumped me instead. Not to fear, I’ve rebounded quite well (just ask some of my fan club members who think that I did it too well) and am dating yet again.

Thank God I didn’t give any of them a “promise” ring. Yeah, I promise to rip your heart out and stomp all over it until it’s as flat as a pancake and then shove it back in to see if will ever beat again.

And then you can sell the ring on eBay!

Anyway, for the record (and for those that care), I did have a first date with a new guy on Friday so we’ll see how that goes.

So this folks is a temporary swan song of sorts and the following edition of The Bachelor will be covered by the lovely and delightful Andrea Shuman. I’ve given her Brian’s Handbook to Proper Bachelor Fashion with an entire chapter dedicated to the neck appendage and now, after this run of The Bachelorette, we have the turtleneck to add in there as well. I will be back in the fall full of life and vigor and ready to bitchslap those who get in my way but not before I pull no punches and tell it all like it is – even all of the feelings that I have repressed up until this recap. That’s right, folks. Tonight is the night where the excrement hits the revolving air circulator.

But remember, it’s all from love, people. All from love.

Anyway, here we go with the show and although I’m not a big fan of the super mega recap that they do at the start of these mammoth finales it’s only good because we get to see Ryan M. again and frankly… the guy’s pretty adorable even if he’s edited to look like he rambles on and on and on and on. But you just gotta love those dimples of his. I mean how can you not?

Matt is the first person who gets to go through the firing squad that is Meredith’s family. Now I’m thinking this entire time that we’re all being set up that Matt is the golden boy and that makes me pretty sure that it’s going to be Ian who winds up getting Meredith in the end. I mean it’s just too good of a set-up. And to further prove my point, not only will he be chosen by Meredith but he will propose as well. After all why would they focus so much time and attention on whether or not he will propose to her if he wasn’t going to do it after all?

Anyway, they are at her parents pad in Portland, Oregon. Frankly, when I think of Portland, only two things come to mind – the Trailblazers when they were really good under Clyde Drexler, and Tonya Harding. Yep… it’s about at this point in the show I wish she had hired someone to whack Meredith on the knee but oh well… we can’t always have what we want. But I digress… as we all know I do…

Matt meets up with Meredith and they take a boat ride out on what I am assuming is a lake before Matt gets handed his head on the proverbial platter by Meredith’s family. Frankly the fact that she didn’t have him meet her at her grandmother’s grave… kinda shocking but that’s about it. I’m surprised that granny hasn’t made more of an appearance in this episode. I mean if they can freeze dry pets so you can have them around after they pass on surely they could have done that for Granny for this episode but then I have to remember that Meredith didn’t know she was coming on The Bachelorette at the time, so I’m just going to have to settle for a Granny-less show.

Out on the… okay I’m calling it lake because frankly I dunno what the heck it is… so they are out on the lake and I’m looking around wondering where the detonator and Michaels C. and K. are hiding because frankly I’m just ready to blow this edition of the show to smithereens. But out on the boat, floating around, Matt just waxes poetic about how he wishes he knew what Meredith was thinking (probably, “I wonder how much money Ian really has that I can get out of him in the pre-nup?”) but he knows that she is always thinking about something even if she can’t tell him. Of course Meredith just looks at him and says what a smart man he is and I’m sure there was a hint of sarcasm in there but who really knows.