American Idol 3, March 1: Uncut, Uncensored, Untalented, But Occasionally Meaningful

It’s a special Monday edition of American Idol, and it starts right out with some of our “favorites” live on the stage. Wow, it’s “Army Girl” Martha, “Scat Girl,” and, of course, William Hung. The Idol theme music starts up and we’re ready for American Idol: Uncut, Uncensored and Untalented.

Ryan bounds out in a tee shirt, jacket and jeans and welcomes us to this very special edition of American Idol. He tells us that tonight we are setting aside perfect pitch, clarity and tone to celebrate those who are too left-field for the show, which is a polite way of saying that they are bad!

The enticement for all of these people is the prize at the end of the rainbow. To illustrate, we see flashes of the finale of the first season with Kelly and Justin and a snippet of season two’s heart-stopper with Clay and Ruben on the stage awaiting the decision. But, before we ever get to that, there are those who forever linger in our memories – the truly bad. Who better to represent that faction than the one and only Keith and his unforgettable rendition of “Like a Virgin.” This still makes me laugh.

Just in case we have forgotten, the audition process is time-consuming and requires great sacrifice. They live for days in tent cities, sleep on pavement, and do their makeup in the men’s room, all for a chance to stampede the stadium only to wait some more. They are prodded and herded and finally, the very lucky few have their chance to perform before the judges. They pray, shake, cry, and pound their chests as they nervously await that moment that could change their lives forever. Or not. Tonight’s show is a combination of video footage and live interviews and performances by some of the more memorable rejects.

In a video clip, we meet pretty, giggly Martha who is told by Simon that the worst thing that can happen is that her life is totally wrecked. She sings “A Whole New World” in some strange, new key and is dismissed.

There are a lot of things that contestants should never do and, as a reminder we see the whole array – the shouters, the lyric readers, the strange noise makers, the impersonators, the lyric forgetters, and those who are just plain bad singers. Oh, and one more thing. Never close your eyes when you sing. The judges just might leave the room as they did with Jeremy, leaving him alone with Paula! Ryan tries a little comedy, closing his eyes as we return from the clip.

Of course, just when you think you’ve seen it all, the people who step through the doors never cease to amaze. Georgina Conception describes her fake gold necklace, her grandmother’s outfit, and her classy hat. She’s ready to kick some tail. She comes in pulling a suitcase and starts to talk to it. Apparently, she has her collection of puppets with her at the audition. Simon and Randy laugh. She pulls all six puppets out and together they sing “Spanish Eyes.” She sings a verse, her puppets sing. She’s actually a pretty good ventriloquist. Simon wants to put her dog through.

Back live, we meet Georgina, who introduces her puppet dog, Bernard, to Ryan and tells us that it was a great experience. To torment us a little further, Coneehsa Harold sings us out and it sounds as though she is constipated. One of Georgina’s puppets laughs at her!

Back from the break, we get a lesson in self-confidence. A blonde starts singing and Simon doesn’t recognize the song. Then we get another guy, who sings “Chains of Love,” He looks kind of devilish! Before his audition, Mr. Devil tells us that he thinks Simon is going to say he is the best singer he’s ever heard and that Randy will say, “I hear you Dawg.” But Simon thinks it’s a nightmare and this nameless fellow asks him what he didn’t like about it. Simon says, “Beginning, middle, and end.” Not willing to take no for an answer, the guy asks him, “Can you be more specific!” Okay. Some people just never learn.

Ryan is back and introduces Martha Krabill, who was the first person we saw in the New York round. Martha, who was nicknamed the “Army Girl,” is so cute and very exited. She thanks the audience for clapping for her. As a surprise, she has brought Ryan a pair of Airborne wings. He tells her she looks great. This girl has a great personality and I really wish they’d given her a chance. She just sparkles. Tonight she’s finally going to get her chance to sing on the Idol stage and has chosen “Boogie, Woogie Bugle Boy.” Martha does an excellent job with this song and solidifies the viewers’ contention that she should have gotten through to Hollywood. If Martha had been in Group Two, she would be a finalist right now.

Our next guest is “Big Girls Rock” Paula Fuga from Hawaii. She comes out with her ukulele and Ryan asks her if she thinks the judges made a mistake in not letting her through. She thinks they made a big mistake and to prove it she’s written a little ditty for the judges. I liked it so much that I transcribed it for you!

“Here’s a little song I wrote.
Listen as I bring it in a minor note.
Ryan is the host that I love the most.
I’m representing every reject from coast to coast.
American Idol in Hawaii.
Mahalo luiloa (thank you) for this opportunity.
Thank you Randy for shutting me down.
Thought you was my dawg
but you played me like a clown.
Paula, girl, you know that was whack.
You said that I was sweet but you never had my back.
Simon. Simon words I be rhymin,
You crack me up every single timin’.
In the back of my mind, I think of all you’ve said.
Every day you wake up on the wrong side of bed.
American Idol in Hawaii,
One of the best things that’s ever really happened to me!”

Awwww… we go to break with Joey Wong, who thinks he has something unique. He doesn’t.