Mad Mad House, Episode 1: That Voodoo That You Do So Well

The hooks have been sharpened, the deliveryman from the blood bank has dropped off lunch, the cauldron has been brought to a boil, and the coffin has been placed in its niche. Did anyone check first to see if it was empty? No, this isn’t the first night of the Alice Cooper/Marilyn Manson megatour, it’s time for the Mad Mad House, or, as I like to call it, The Bed and Breakfast From Hell, to open for business. Ten guests are about to check in. They have no idea what they have gotten themselves into. During their stay, horizons will be broadened, minds will be forced open, lives will be forever changed, and maybe, just maybe, some souls will be lost. This is not Bob Newhart’s Country Homestead. Ahh, a black SUV has just slipped in through to iron gates outside. Let’s greet our vict— I mean, most welcome guests – and get their first impressions…

Nichole – 23, a media researcher; Nichole is very curious about their hosts. “They might be a family – you know, mom and dad, a few kids… I hope they’re nice!”

Brent – 22, a self-proclaimed 5th year college student; “I like to read the Bible. I believe in God and I wish everyone was a Christian.”

Bonnie – 50, a book publisher; “I’ve lived most of my life playing by the rules and just once I’d like to do something outrageous.”

Eric – 24, an assistant sports agent; “I’m a big energy person. I tend to be the life of the party.” The first thing he notices is which of the younger women are wearing wedding bands.

Loana – 23, a media researcher; “My religious faith is important to me. I read the Bible quite often and I think I’m a good girl.”

Noel – 25, a janitor; “I wanna win a crap-load of money, I’m not gonna lie. I’m a janitor in a barber shop and that’s not fun!”

Jamie – 31, a recently retired exotic dancer; “I’m a people person and I plan to use that strategy going into the house.

Kelly – 25, a political campaign worker; “I have no clue what to expect. I’m expecting the unexpected in this house. I’m as conservative as they come and I work for the Republican Party. I live in a convent because I feel safe there. I feel watched over.”

Hamin – 27, a factory “technician”; Hamin fancies himself as a ladies man. “People call me tiger because that’s what I am in certain situations.”

Tim – 42, a horse rancher; Tim tells us all that he’s a “good ol’ boy.” He also tells us that people don’t realize he’s quite “edumacated” for someone with his accent.

The guests all gather in the living room and Kelly quickly makes an announcement. “I’m a virgin!” she proudly proclaims. Reality fans across the country check “the virgin” off of their lists. Now all we have to do is figure out the bitch, the slut, and the gay guy who absolutely refuses to ever disclose his sexuality… at least until the second episode… and we’ll have the full complement required by the Geneva Convention Guidelines for Reality Broadcasts. All that’s missing is an appearance by Tim Curry and we’ll have a perfect recreation of the first scenes of the movie Clue. As the group chats, the lights suddenly go out. When the lights come back up the five hosts are standing in their midst. Kelly sees them and says, “Wow, trippy!”

These people are collectively called “The Alts,” because they live alternative lifestyles compared to the average person on the street. I am not even close to being a fashion guru but I will attempt to describe their outfits for you because they do set a certain tone for their individual personalities. For a more detailed introduction you can check my preview article, but in brief they are:

Aya Ta’Shia – The Voodoo Priestess is dressed in royal blue robes with white lace trim and is wearing a matching ceremonial headdress. She’s also carrying a basket that contains her wooden spirit doll.

Art – The Modern Primitive is clothed in a black muscle shirt and black shorts. His ceremonial tattoos provide more “coverage” than his apparel.

Don – The Vampire is dressed as one might expect, in a long black waistcoat decorated with silvery patterns and wears a ruffled white shirt underneath.

Avocado – The Naturist wears a loincloth… at least for now.

Fiona – The Witch is wearing a very low cut beige zebra print gown and a cameo necklace with a pentagram in place of the usual silhouette.

Fiona handles the introductions. As she introduces Don to the group, Noel says, “Keep oooon suckin’!” Once everyone has digested everyone’s names, Fiona tells the guests that while they are in the house they will be involved in an intense competition. It will be game time 24 hours a day, seven days a week. The Alts will vote to eliminate the guests one by one and the last person standing will win one hundred thousand dollars. She offers up just one hint as to what it will take to remain in the house. “We are the five Alts. This is our house and we rule.”

In interview Kelly tells us, “I was like whoa! I’m back in college with all the freaks!” Eric says, “I tried to play it off like I wasn’t nervous, but deep inside I’m thinking wow, what did I get myself into.” The Alts begin to mingle with the guests. Bonnie displays her level of political correctness by asking Fiona if she is Wiccan while Noel, our leading contender for Miss Congeniality, continues playing “stick the foot in the mouth” by asking Don what it was that made him decide to be a vampire. “It just… happened,” Don replies mysteriously. Noel then sidles over to some of the other guests and says, “I guarantee you these are all well paid actors. Well paid.” When asked about Art’s tattoos (much of his body is covered with piercings and the tattoo work of Polynesian tribesmen) he offers the expert opinion that they aren’t real and are the result of a pen. Art also has African ceremonial piercings in his ears. They are obsidian disks several inches in diameter that are embedded in his earlobes, which of course are grossly distended. When asked his opinion about them Noel shrugs. “Those might be real,” he declares. They don’t show it, but I’ll wager when asked about Fiona’s breasts he made the exact same comment with the exact same inflections. When faced with his first hint of something outside his comfort zone he immediately falls back on the tried and true frat-house tactic of acting like a cocky know-it-all.