Playing It Straight: Straight Men Don’t Own Hairdryers

Well, the big night finally arrived and we got a peek at the first episode of Fox’s new reality show, Playing It Straight. Over the next few weeks, we will watch as Appleton, WI, native Jackie selects her new love from 14 hunky men. (Well, let’s say there are definitely a few who are extremely hot.) Set in Elko, NV, the show seems to be a blend of Boy Meets Boy (good), Joe Millionaire 2 (uh oh, bad) and City Slickers (just plain weird).

The western theme is a silly backdrop for this series, directly copying Joe Millionaire 2’s the opening number. Did you feel the lyricist’s pain to have some sense of rhyme? Gratefully, the show provides a “follow-along-as-we-sing” routine at the bottom to understand what is being said. OK and a dog named “Gaydar”? What dog would survive on a ranch if his name were Gaydar?

The first twenty minutes of the show made it difficult to really get a sense of who the guys were. The show jumped around between the 14 guys and over-emphasized how each is straight, but has certain feminine qualities. Not in a metrosexual way, but rather in a way that people might assume each was gay. Within minutes, comments such as, “having nice clothes,” “making cheesecakes,” and, “thought of doing hair as a career,” are now regaled to become homosexual qualities. (OK, dude, that is pretty gay!) I watched the opening in awe, stupefied at how clichéd this show was to the reality-TV viewer. We expect a little more depth than this. A struggle, I know.

Our hostess Daphne seems to have gone to Monica Lewinsky’s School of Hospitality. She looks as if she was a waitress at Ponderosa with an outfit that doesn’t quite fit properly. For some reason, I was waiting for her to speak with the New Zealand accent like Dani from Boy Meets Boy but it never happened. Geez, where are they getting these people? She’s so wrong for the show and totally needs some serious make-up tips.

As Daphne tells the guys, “some of you are gay,” the guys shift uncomfortably on cue. While I realize some of this is staged, why do straight men believe gay men are always ready to mentally undress them? Seriously, it’s important you believe we are not attracted to every single male on the planet. We, too, actually appreciate a good $500K. When one of the brilliant young men was told about the guys being gay, he asked, “as in homosexual?” Umm, check please!

As the men struggled to find a place to sleep, each grabbed what he could, hoping not to be subjected to the pink room… because we all know that indicates they are gay! Bill & Ryan have it even worse since one of the last beds is a double and they will have to share. “AHHHH NO, THAT MEANS THEY’RE GAY!” Luckily, a coin toss allowed them to keep their sexuality hidden.

Like all reality victims, innocent Jackie is a girl with hometown values, who goes to church and acts like a lady. We saw her innocently walking down a hometown street right out of Walnut Grove, waiting for Half-Pint to come out of the general store. Ah yes, a naïve former homecoming queen seemingly unprepared for the fact this show may not exist solely for her to find a husband.

At one point, Bradley innocently loaned Jackie a hair dryer and that simple gesture turned out to be his downfall. You would have thought he offered her a tiara. She kept singling him out as gay based on this fact alone. As an Appleton resident, I’m sure her local Wal-Mart doesn’t restrict hair dryers to only the women’s department. In middle Wisconsin during January, is she assuming every male within a 300-mile radius does not dry their hair before leaving the house in the morning?

The other interaction between the guys and Jackie was hysterical. The vulture comment used in the show fit perfectly. On the first episode of every dating show, the swarming of each player rides the fine line between dating and stalking. Jackie, however, seemed to relish in the attention until the big twist was announced at dinner.

At one point, Jackie was allowed to take three of them on “swing date.” A swing date? I was picturing scenes from an Amish picnic. She picked Bradley, Ryan, and Gust. Jackie confronted Bradley about having a hairdryer to loan her. Gust talked about fixing cars. And Ryan just chatted about the consistency of proteins in his hair products. Not really, but I don’t like him so what do I care.

Jackie continued making profound comments in private about how, “it hurts,” and, “the gay guys aren’t in it for the love, but for the money.” You bet, doll, we’re all ABBA-lovin, money-hungry bitches, ain’t we? Feel lucky, because the straight guys are in this for your rack!

The elimination hoedown allowed Jackie to confront two of her suitors as she made them leave the ranch. As expected, some of the hunkier guys (Luciano, Banks, Chris) all moved on with ease. There were the expected pauses for Bradley and Ryan, each with their own set of hair-related dilemmas. In the end, Gust and Louis were eliminated, each professing that they are straight and reducing Jackie’s chances at the money/happiness.

I was completely floored by Gust’s being straight, but as Louis came down from his hay bail, I had a feeling he might be straight, since he seemed to possess that same awkwardness that Gust had. It’s going to take a bit of reverse thinking to figure out who’s gay or straight.

While it’s been rumored that all the guys are straight, I disagree. Shows like this never directly insult an audience that blatantly. Right now, my guess is that Alex, Eddie, Lee, and Chris are all gay. (Please, Chris, play for my team!) Banks, Bill, and Sharif are questionable. Chad, John, Ryan, Luciano, and Bradley are definitely straight, although the show continues to portray them otherwise.

Playing it Straight is primarily about overcompensation, not just from the straight guys, but from the gay ones as well. The comments about Jackie were offensive and crude. Whether or not they were uttered by a straight or gay man, they insulted whichever group the guy was representing. I enjoyed the show and think it has potential, but it needs to shift towards what Boy Meets Boy attained. Rather than requiring each guy to assume an unnatural and negative stereotype, they should allow an audience to learn that straight and gay men can have a lot of similarities.

As for Jackie, at the rate she is going, she’s destined to have a personal designer rather than a boyfriend. I feel she needs to out-think the competition rather than playing into the deceptions. But those hometown girls, they never listen.

Steve Doran is a senior marketer for educational programs and lives in Washington, DC. You can e-mail him at sedoran@aol.com.

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