Playing It Straight, Episode 2: There’s Only One Ryan… Thank God

Bruce was so busy trying to puzzle out who was straight and who was gay on the first episode of Playing It Straight, that he ended up in an endless loop of he-looks-straight-so-he-must-be-gay-but-if-we-think-he’s-gay-then-he-must-be-straight-but--- Anyway, we finally got him rebooted, but not in time to cover the second episode. So you’ll just have to deal with me this week. We expect Bruce to be good as new in no time.

Anyway, this time we do get a real warning notice besides the one about people lying. It says this episode may contain coarse language. Ooookay. I thought that was what bleeping is for.

You’ve already either seen the first episode or clicked on the link above – or both – so you don’t need me to recap it yet again.

Jackie says that since she sent two straight guys home last time, she can’t go according to who she has chemistry with, but has to really start playing this game. Right there, I think, is a pretty sad commentary on what it’s come to on reality dating shows – they’ve taken out the “dating.” The original idea, though it admittedly has only really worked once so far, was that reality dating shows would put together couples. Now, however, they have to possibly ignore the person with whom they might have a real relationship in order to focus on the money. At this rate, Survivor may end up with as many couples (Rob M. and Amber) as all reality dating shows combined!

Getting down off my soap box, we find that Jackie chose Ryan to serve her breakfast in bed because that’s a great opportunity to find out if he’s gay or straight. Huh? Why? If he eats Special K, does that make him gay? Or maybe if he just makes cold cereal, that proves he’s straight. Jackie obviously doesn’t get the point of this show yet – which is apparently to put seemingly gay guys who are straight together with seemingly straight guys who are gay. So any choice she makes based on obvious characteristics are bound to be wrong.

Damn, who put that second soap box there? OK, now I’m sure they’re all gone. Ryan says that he thinks Jackie will be really trying to figure out who is gay, and he has a lot of effeminate qualities. He’s into fashion and likes to dress well (because we know any man who dresses well is gay – which is why I always wear really crappy clothes, just to make sure everybody knows I’m straight), he takes care of himself (again, I make sure I’m always out of shape, just so people know I’m straight), etc.

So there he is, making French toast, saying Jackie is going to get the best breakfast she’s ever had, plus it saves him from milking cows. Apparently, all the other guys found out that they had barn chores. It turns out the guys are about as good at milking cows as Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie.

In an interview, Banks talks about how they are in the slop and Ryan is romancing Jackie. With a big smile on his face, he says he’s coming for Ryan. This is called “foreshadowing.”

Ryan says one advantage he has over the other guys is that there is only one Ryan. Um, okay. And there’s only one Banks, only one Luciano, only one… well, you get the idea. But by the end of this episode, I get the feeling we’ll be glad there is only one Ryan.

Ryan is so busy talking about how there is only one of him that the one of him is running late and Jackie is getting anxious. He says it’s important to get a kiss to convince Jackie that he’s straight. Because, you know, gay guys can’t kiss girls. It’s like matter and anti-matter – there is actually a huge explosion that takes out whole city blocks. It’s a scientific fact, I checked. Anyway, to get to his goal, he tucks a rose in the back of his belt and asks for a hug. The idea is that she’s supposed to feel the rose on his back, pull it out, and get all emotional at the grand gesture. The problem is that she didn’t find the rose right away, and the conversation went like this:

Ryan: Do you feel it?

Jackie: Do I what??

It seemed to me that she wasn’t thinking he was talking about feeling a rose on his back when he asked her that while hugging her! But then, maybe that would be one way to show he’s not gay.

After the comedy of errors, she finally gets the rose and he gets his kiss. Then she gets her breakfast.

She doesn’t just want to eat while he sits and watches her, so she asks him to entertain her with a story. He says he can entertain her with a talent – he can catch things in his mouth… from far distances. Well, that is a talent. So he wants her to throw grapes that he will catch in his mouth. If he does, he says he wants “a little smoochie.” Yeesh. Privately, Jackie sarcastically says, “Lucky me, I can kiss you.”

He catches one. Two. And… the slow-mo shows him just missing the third. So he says he should get a kiss on the cheek for that – then he pulls the old trick and turns to present his mouth when she goes for the cheek. Cute. They end up making out for a minute or so and he’s all happy because she knows he’s not gay now. She tells us that it felt like kissing a straight guy, but she realizes she wouldn’t really know.