Forever Eden, March 25: Brand New Date, Same Old Dreck

Well, when the show came on this week (now on Thursdays), I was presented with a three-minute music video from the group Full Blown Rose. It was called “Somebody Help Me.” Oddly enough, those were the same thoughts I was having about watching the upcoming episode of Forever Eden.

Anyway, the video’s over and it’s time for a recap of last week. You can read my article about it or I can just give you the short version: Jason … dancer … Adam … necklace … Shawna … showers … banish … Jordan.

And here it is, 8 minutes and 45 seconds past the hour and we finally get to see some new footage for the week. Someday, I’m going to get out my stopwatch just to see how much actual new footage we get to see in a one-hour episode (discounting all the flashbacks). I’m betting on 25 minutes or less.

So, we start off in the bar after last week’s banishment ceremony. The guests are pounding back multicolored tropical drinks. Jason corners Shawna and wants to know why she always gives him the cold shoulder. He thinks it’s because she’s got a thing for Wallace. Well, seeing her suck face with Wallace last week, I think I have to agree.

And sure enough, as Jason is pleading his case, Wallace interrupts the conversation and gives Shawna a big ol’ kiss on the lips. She moans appreciatively. Anyway, what was it you were saying, Jason?

After a scenic interlude, it’s the next day and Matt and Jason are swimming in the lagoon. Matt emerges from the water and talks to Jason about Shawna. Amazingly, Matt is perfectly dry! Hmm. I guess that’s the magic of editing for you. And so, Jason describes his conversation with Shawna and how she snubbed him. We helpfully see a flashback to the scene we just saw two minutes ago, in case any of the viewers forgot.

And now, Matt’s pants are wet again! I hate to speculate on how that happened. Matt and Jason make an agreement to vote out any one of the ruling class (David, Liz, Wallace, or Shawna) if they ever get a chance.

At breakfast, Simon, the steward, brings them each four more coins for surviving the most recent eviction. The girls are reminiscing about good old Jordan. This entails more flashbacks to things that happened just last week and that we already saw this week in the recap.

Simon returns with an apple on his tray. The guests are incredulous, since the last banishment was only about half a day ago. The guests shout for him to go away and leave them alone.

But, he continues on and gives the apple to all the ladies. The scroll accompanying it says that each woman is to select a man and reveal that choice at a ceremony later that evening.

The scroll calls this a good apple. Of course, like every apple on the show, it’s actually a bad apple. The women blissfully cheer their good fortune.

The women start choosing men. The selections go pretty much as expected. Shawna picks Wallace, Liz picks David, Kassie picks Michael, and Neveen picks Matt. Poor Brooke is stuck with that loser, new-guy Jason.

I suppose the producers figured that the women would catfight all day over which man they picked. Instead, it’s all decided in five minutes and they spend the rest of the day frolicking in the lagoon.

Dinner is served and the guests discover a black cat under the table. Things immediately go bad as the waiter spills one of the dinners in Matt’s lap. In, perhaps, the most unintentionally ironic moment of the show, Matt turns to the waiter and says, “You’re fired!” This is funny and ironic because Fox moved Forever Eden to Thursday nights, opposite The Apprentice, where it will no doubt be slaughtered in the ratings.

After dinner, the women reveal to the men that they had to pick the man they most admire. We see many more flashbacks and then find out that the women aren’t really picking the men they had agreed upon earlier in the day. I guess there might be a catfight after all.

Meanwhile, off in the bushes, Wallace, Shawna, David, and Liz are devising a plan. They figure that a new girl will arrive on the island, pick a man she likes, and then the one woman who had previously picked that man will be banished. Wallace and David agree to dress down so that they look less desirable to the new woman.

I have to admit, that’s a pretty clever idea. Well, except for the fact that they said it in front of a cameraman, who probably immediately relayed the information to the producers. And, of course, there’s the fact that this is a game where thinking ahead doesn’t do any good.

And so we find ourselves at the banishment temple. Ruth appears out of the mist and welcomes the group. David and Wallace are dressed in appropriately geeky outfits. She tells them that a new member will join them. It’s Claudia. She’s a student and describes herself as the all-American girl and the princess of the Fiesta Bowl.

Ruth tells Claudia that she gets to pick a man to be with. Whichever man is picked cannot be chosen by any of the other women. That will leave one of the women without a man. That woman will be banished. I guess it really wasn’t a good apple after all, was it?

Ruth invites Claudia to pick a man as her companion. She looks them over like fresh meat. She doesn’t give geeky Wallace a second glance, and ends up picking geeky David, much to the disgust of Liz and David. In case you didn’t remember, here’s a flashback to let you know that they are a couple. Ah yes, the best laid plans …