Playing it Straight, Episode 3: A Million Dollar Mishap

Before we get too deep into the psyches of the remaining contestants and start this week’s round of endless speculation about which of the cowboys is likely to ride side saddle, I have two pieces of business to take care of. First of all I would like to thank our editor, David Bloomberg for pinch-hitting for me last week while I dealt with a small personal emergency. He came through with flying colors and apart from a rapidly diminishing desire to wear designer pink shirts he appears to have suffered no ill effects from the experience. I also want to apologize to the regular readers of this column. This is the first time I’ve missed a writing assignment and hopefully the last. Now, let’s dig into this week’s episode!

After a very brief reminder of last week’s goings on, we jump right to a major event! It seems that one of the men has decided to leave the ranch. Is he a straight man who is no longer able to cope with the knowledge that the man in the next bed might redecorate the bedroom one night? Is it a gay man who decides that his pride is worth more than gaining a reputation as a million dollar liar? Who is that masked man riding off into the sunset? It’s Eddie, that’s who! He’s packed up his bag in the middle of the night and quit the whole shootin’ match.

Daphne, the host of the show, addresses the group to let them know that Eddie won’t be coming back. Since the show long ago dropped the charade that it has anything whatsoever to do with the lovely Jackie finding her true mate and everything to do with sexuality, there is one question that must be answered. Don’t even think about wondering why Eddie decided to leave. That might actually be interesting, but the producers are not concerned with things like that. They think we care about one thing and one thing only. Is he or isn’t he? Before revealing the truth, Daphne asks the guys and Jackie if they thought Eddie was a lady-killer or a man-hunter. Jackie is convinced that Eddie is straight, as are the majority of the remaining men. “Well Eddie wanted me to let you know,” Daphne says, “that he is gay.”

In interview clips, several of the guys seem to shrug it all off quickly. They’re just glad that one more competitor is gone. But Jackie is floored. She was so convinced that he was straight that she realizes her present strategy is not working at all. Rather than watching to see who crosses their legs funny or holds their pinkies out when drinking out of a longneck beer bottle, she decides she’s going to flirt hard with each of the guys and watch how they flirt back. As she sits on her bed she tells us her opinions of the remaining men. She’s pretty certain they are all straight. The fact that she is unable to figure out which of the men is tricking her is “bugging the hell” out of her. That’s understandable because this constant one-track litany about sexual orientation without any pretense of actual romance is bugging the hell out of me as well! I find myself thinking that things couldn’t be any worse than being stuck watching this loveless “dating” show – and then I remember my poor comrade who is stuck writing about Forever Eden and suddenly I can’t wait for the commercials to end so I can watch some more of this very intriguing show.

Jackie decides to have Chad serve her breakfast in bed in the morning because he seems to be paying her the least amount of attention. There is something about him that she just doesn’t get and she’s determined to get a better fix on him. In an interview clip, Chad tells us that he’s completely certain that he’s going to win it all. Does he mean he intends to win Jackie’s heart? No mystery there. “I do care about her feelings but the most important thing to me is the money,” he assures us, “That’s where my heart lies.” Jackie’s plan to give him enough rope to hang himself with over breakfast turns out to be unecessary, as Chad needs no urging whatsoever. He spends the entire meal talking about himself. He rambles endlessly about how he’s into women’s lib, Jackie’s beauty, working out, Jackie’s beauty, going to art galleries, oh and did he mention that he thinks Jackie’s beautiful and he’s totally not gay? Soon Jackie’s abandoned all hope of getting into the conversation and is struggling mightily to keep her eyes from rolling so far back into her head that she can see her own brain. After a while she gets rid of him by saying that she has to get ready for the day’s events. As he prepares to leave he plants a kiss on her with as much raw fire as a bucket of ice cubes. He tells us that he thinks it went very well. This guy is such an optimist that he probably thinks the Mojave is having a bit of a dry spell.

While Chad is busily doing his impersonation of human Valium, Whistler enters the guys living quarters and begins barking like a coon dog. He wakes everyone up and announces that they need to pack an overnight bag for a camping trip and suggests the pack some bear repellant if they have any. Sharif isn’t too thrilled at the idea of being out with the bugs and all that icky-type stuff, but most of the others seem to be willing to take it all in stride. The producers are trying so hard to convince us that Sharif is gay I’m almost completely convinced that he hasn’t even seen himselfnaked, let alone another man.

As everyone gathers outside to head on out the guys realize there is a transportation glitch. Whistler announces, “By my count there are only four horses and the rest of them are mules.” Call me crazy, but I don’t think he’s just making a reference to the animals. Is this a hint that only four of the remaining men are straight or am I actually starting to fall into the trap of looking for hidden clues everywhere? Before I can call Corbin Bernsen for advice, Jackie tells us that she is choosing four men for the horses and that they will be the ones she has the most questions about. John, Lee, Chris, and Bill will ride horses while the others have to drag their asses along the trail. Luciano is particularly upset with the travel arrangements because he doesn’t enjoy hauling the mules through the crap of other mules and horses. Banks is worried that Sharif is his main competition and that it’s likely Sharif will continue to try to woo Jackie with music. Conversely, Sharif is concerned about Banks because, “he’s fun, he’s funny, he’s cute…” Like I said before, I’m just not buying this attempt by the producers to make Sharif look gay. He’s probably goes through women quicker than Paris Hilton goes through checkbooks.