Playing It Straight: The Dangling Chad

Well, you’d think my having a week off would improve things, but instead of adding more enjoyment to the show, the absurdity continued. We’re now in week three of Playing it Straight and things couldn’t look more distressing for our heroine, Jackie. If you’re keeping score, little Miss Innocent is not doing too well, with a score of 3 to 2… to 1. Huh?

The show started off by announcing Eddie had quit. This shouldn’t be surprising considering the rash of reality contestants packing it up these days, but the guys acted surprised at Eddie’s hasty departure. After last week’s hot tub incident with Ryan, the combined shock seemed a little contrived. Not one of them truly cared if he was out of the running for Jackie’s love. Their interest, like the rest of us, was whether Eddie was gay or straight. (In case you missed the premise of this show that is being hurled at you every 96 seconds, some of the guys courting Jackie are gay. THE HORROR!) However, watching Eddie’s drunk, flirtatious hot tub scene, I don’t think anyone was surprised to learn he’s gay. Phew, Jackie should be pleased another gay man has vanished.

Well sweetie, I hope so. You are doing a terrible job at picking a future mate. Before tonight’s show, you’ve been successful in outing only one guy. Personally, I’d resort to liquoring them all up and making them uncomfortable enough to quit. Putting them into a hot tub together seems to do the trick. Perhaps one lucky (straight) man might stay and you can then make him love you… for $1 million… oops, scratch that, $500K.

Many time, reality dating shows put the woman in a role that portrays them as heartless. Average Joe, My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé, and For Love or Money had females, who definitely played the games for beneficial outcomes over romantic ones. Jackie on the other hand, is absolutely clueless and when she finally does insert her assertiveness, it comes across as purely ludicrous. Nine days into the show (do we have any idea for how long this contest is actually taking place?), she announced to her male campers that it was “Game On.” The fellows look at her stunned. Like them, I was thinking to myself, “Well woman, what took you so long?”

It doesn’t take a genius to see that this show almost has nothing to do with Jackie at this point. Yes, she does get say on the elimination and yes, she’s getting a great vacation in the back woods of Nevada, but it’s comical that there’s not one guy who is interested in her for romantic purposes. Though I’m still not 100% on who plays for what team, every guy really only wants the money.

Which sadly leads us to the realization that instead of being a dating show, it’s now a show about how each stereotype can be manipulated to resemble the other group. This became no more evident than what will undoubtedly go down as the worst stereotype portrayal in history – the hotdog scene. With combined voiceovers and slow-motion camera footage, there has never been a more insinuated perception of homosexuality in modern history. As each guy discussed how he could not be perceived as gay, a slow motion scene of him lustfully eating a hotdog followed. Blatant images lingered on-screen as if to suggest that no matter how straight each may be, the very fact they eat hotdogs proves they’re gay. Jackie should feel blessed not to have witnessed such a disgraceful consumption of camping cuisine.

In the end, it was Chad, who not by the hotdog, but rather the breakfast in bed, was eliminated. Jackie indicated that she did not feel the connection. This from a girl who decided on a suitor’s potential by assigning them a horse or a mule. Chad was relieved in the end because the lie he’s been living proved a reminder of his years before coming out. He is now happily settled down with a boyfriend, who by my guess could be pretty angry that Chad is not bringing home some cash. It seemed an odd statement to make considering for him, this actually was about the money.

Jackie’s still on the losing end of predicting sexuality preferences, but, the boost in confidence may help her realize Sharif is the gay one, not Bradley. Girl, give poor Bradley a break already. He ate his wiener like a man!

Steve Doran is a marketer for educational programs and lives in Washington, DC. You can e-mail him at sedoran@aol.com.

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