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The Osbournes, Season 3, Episode 7: Lies, Lies, I Can't Believe a Word You Sayby Dale Sherman -- 04/16/04
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Slow week on the Osbournes news-front (especially after the big news last week about Kelly going into drug-rehab), so we will jump right into this week's episode.
Kelly, Ozzy, and Ozzy's assistant Tony are together in the house. Tony stares at a computer while Ozzy comments to Kelly that he will be getting his hair dyed later. Kelly thinks it is a good idea, until she hears the colors that Ozzy has picked out. The purple color really bothers her, and she tells her father that it would be all wrong for him. Ozzy's response is his standard excuse for anything he does, "I'm the Prince of Darkness."
Kelly seems to be as bored with this excuse as the rest of us, as she tells him that he'll end up looking like George Clinton with all the different colors in his hair. Ozzy then switches to a new excuse for doing what he wants, which is that he is going to dye his hair multi-colors because "I broke my (bleeping) neck." Ozzy, that excuse never worked too well for Kurt Angle in WWE, so you may not want to start using it now. [Assistant Editor’s Note: Yes, but Kurt won a gold medal with a broken neck, so he really didn’t need excuses, did he?] Kelly tells him that he is not the "prince of darkness," but rather the "prince of (bleeping) lunatics."
Meanwhile, Tony continues working on the computer and ignores them.
With the opening credits done (giving us an episode title of "Scent of a Woman"), the camera lingers on people cleaning around and inside the house. It's a day of cleaning for everyone, except Kelly, it seems, who we next see with Sharon and Melinda in the master bedroom. Kelly tells Sharon that she is going out dancing that evening with Sarah. Sharon hates the idea and tells her she can't go, but Kelly reminds her that she doesn't have to do what Sharon says and should at least respect the fact that she told her mother the truth about her evening instead of trying to nag her into not doing it. With one avenue gone, Sharon switches to another topic, that of Kelly's hair. It is greasy and smelly, and Sharon wants Kelly to wash it. Kelly refuses, saying that she is not planning on taking a shower either. Sharon's look of disgust rattles Kelly into ranting about how she knows Sharon is thinking that Kelly is just a "dirty girl who doesn't flush the toilet."
The episode is not looking completely promising at this point, but a turn for the better comes with the next scene as we see Tony and Ozzy in the office at the house. Tony shows Ozzy an email and letter from the Prime Minister of Canada, Paul Martin. The letter asks that Ozzy be available to come to Canada to receive an award called the "Eternal Youth Award" and also the key to the city of Montreal. Tony is impressed.
Cutting back to Kelly (who is getting a lot of airtime considering the rumor was that she wasn't appearing much this season), she walks in on her mother asking if she has any deodorant - and "not that spray-kind," as it makes her sick. Giving her a roll-on, Kelly demonstrates the grace of a young up-and-coming star by blatantly rolling-on the deodorant on-camera. If only she had scratched her rear-end and passed gas would she have been truly classy. Sharon stomps off horrified.
A bit later, Sharon pleads with Kelly to wash her hair, because it smells of "old smoke and (bleep)." This brings the conversation to the subject of smoking and Sharon asks Kelly if she has started smoking. Kelly denies it, but Sharon isn't completely convinced.
Back in the office, Tony tells Ozzy about the letter from the Prime Minister. Ozzy is unimpressed and nearly stomps out of the room before Tony calls him back. Ozzy rants that he isn't thrilled about getting an award from a country that always "treats me badly" every time he goes through customs, from an incident 35 years ago. Tony thinks it is impressive anyway, but Ozzy wants to get Sharon's opinion on the situation. Sharon tells Ozzy that she had heard about the letter and is simply thrilled. With that, Ozzy reluctantly agrees to go forward on the deal.
Sharon kisses Ozzy goodbye and then heads out the door with Melinda. Needing a car, she decides to take Kelly's, only to find the car dirty and a cigarette lighter in the door. Sharon throws the lighter into the yard, telling Melinda that it is obvious now that Kelly is lying about not smoking.
Later, Sharon, Melinda, and Kelly are together upstairs at the house. Sharon can't believe that Kelly refuses to wash. "SMELL HER," she yells as she takes a whiff of Kelly's hair and armpit. Melinda and Sharon work to get Kelly moving towards the bathroom, but Kelly refuses to use the first one because there is no curtain around the bath. Melinda points out that there are four bathrooms in the house, so "no curtain" in one bathroom is hardly an excuse Kelly can use. As they wander the halls, and Melinda tries to steer Kelly towards a bathroom, Kelly says she just doesn't have time to take one. Melinda points out that Kelly had gotten up at 3:00 that afternoon and did nothing for nearly two hours. As Melinda tries to get Kelly into the bathroom to clean up, Kelly instead decides to go back to sleep.
Well, she has had a busy day after all.
Later in the master bedroom, Sharon is in bed with an empty bowl next to her. Ozzy comes in to complain about not being able to get on the exercise equipment, but his try for sympathy can't match Kelly when she comes in to state that Boris has "diarrhea'd all over the back of my car!" Ozzy panics over this news until Sharon and Kelly explain that Boris is Kelly's dog. He then leaves Sharon to nag Kelly into "grooming" herself. Sharon then tries to setup an appointment for Kelly to get her hair dyed as a way to have Kelly wash her hair. Kelly doesn't go for the idea, however.
In the office, Tony and Ozzy call the number given to them for the Prime Minister and get Paul Martin on the phone straight away. Tony passes the phone over to Ozzy and a strange look immediately crosses Ozzy's face. Nevertheless, the conversation from Ozzy's side of the phone appears to be normal. That is, until the Prime Minister starts singing in Ozzy's ear. A creeping realization comes over Ozzy as he passes the phone back to Tony. Tony begins to talk to the person on the phone, but Ozzy can be overheard saying, "It's a wind-up. It's a joke! It's a wind-up!" Tony asks him what he is talking about and Ozzy states the whole thing has to be a hoax - just a way to try to get Ozzy to do something. Tony returns to the call and admits to the person on the phone that they had expected to talk to an assistant to the Prime Minister and not him directly. Tony asks Ozzy to at least say goodbye on the phone to Martin. Ozzy takes the phone and while nothing on that end of the line can be heard, Ozzy's expression clearly states that he knows the guy is a fraud and Ozzy is mad.1 2 Next-->
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