Surviving Nugent: The Ted Commandments – Finale

Well, RealityNewsOnline kind of fell asleep on the job here, I’m afraid – we didn’t realize that Ted Nugent was back until the finale of his second Surviving Nugent series! However, the least we can do is bring you up to date on what happened then.

Ted’s back, or at least what is left of him after the 40-stitch mishap with the chainsaw in a previous episode. There isn’t anything mentioned in this installment about the incident. Probably Ted’s ego in play resulting in that decision.

Down to four players at this point, the viewers are indirectly being asked to care about young folks in bizarre and dangerous situations featuring extreme cold, animals, and used cars for the sake of $100,000 and a collectors automobile. Ted mixes down-home chores with Stephen King/Fear Factor-like elements to create a gauntlet of tasks.

First up is an ordinary demolition derby with the standard rules; last one running inside the ring wins. (Surprisingly, there is quite a bit of safety equipment visible.) Most people know enough to do the ramming with the rear of the car and reverse as the primary gear to delay damage to the radiator. These folks didn’t. It is mildly amusing to watch as the four bash headlong into each other, which ends the stunt pretty quickly, leaving the winner to take a trip to Ted’s Shed for gifts while the others head to the barn to milk goats.

In between contests we are treated to the players’ private thoughts and moments. In this group, if the males are on screen, apparently, a cue is given to start posturing because that’s all the viewer gets. Gaining any insight into true motives or revealing personalities just doesn’t happen. The women just seemed to be enthralled with repeating how determined they were.

As the day wanes the group is taken out to the edge of a swamp where four shallow graves have been prepared and allowed to have cold water and muck to seep in. They are instructed to get in and position themselves so that only their heads are above the surface. A board with a cutout to go around the neck is placed on top of the hole while shovelfuls of muck are packed on. The on-screen graphics tell the viewer that the mud is at 50 degrees. Ted and Big Jim pass the time by discussing the relative balls of each of the players. It becomes obvious that none are going to give in just because of the cold so mealworms are dumped on their heads. There are still no takers. Big Jim brings in scorpions to crawl about the area and receives the same results. Even the promise of an early out with $5,000 doesn’t work.

Ted mentions that his outdoor experiences and knowledge definitely come into play here because the temperature of the mud will cause hypothermia fairly quickly. (He doesn’t seem concerned about the possibility of criminal charges. The waivers the players must have signed were probably as thick as the Detroit Yellow Pages.) Ted is proven correct as he is forced to make a judgment call while the four are removed from the graves and one is taken to the hospital with her body temperature dropping into the very low 90’s.

Ted’s ego is completely unchecked during an interview segment when he marvels at the players’ determination to risk their very lives for the prizes and privilege of being near him.

Ugh.

There are only two players left and one task, the obstacle course. This is one of those examples that define the difference between genius and crazy. The obstacle course consists of crossing a field using a couple milk crates as stepping-stones. The player must build the bridge as they go along. Fall off or touch the ground, and the player must return to the beginning and start over, all the while having eggs hurled at them by previously eliminated players. Once the field is crossed they must use the milk crates to reach a hand shovel suspended over their heads and use that to tunnel under a fence, grab a dune buggy, and race to a tangled maze of electrified wire. (Perhaps Ted has been watching too many reruns of the Batman television show from the ‘60s.) Finally in what is sure to a be a true test of something that only Ted can value they are to pick up a bow and arrow to strike a facsimile of The Motor City Madman in the heart where a bag of some sort of animal blood is the target. Being the first one to do so gets what Ted describes as ‘freedom’ and the prizes promised. And that person is… Dawn the bi-sexual bartender!

We are left with very similar questions at the end of the Ted Commandments to the ones at the finale of the first Surviving Nugent: Is the prize worth a possible one way trip to the hospital? Is it worth the constant verbal abuse by Ted and Big Jim? Did they know before the show aired that the players would be identified with labels like ‘hippie’ and ‘bi-sexual’? Is there any way I can get that hour back?

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