Superstar USA, Episode 1: The Hoax Begins

You’ve heard about it. You’ve read about it. You’ve seen the ads. Now it’s finally here. Superstar USA has hit our TV sets on The WB. Host Brian McFayden says that people have come from across America to compete for superstardom. Tonight, it all begins. And it all begins with a note that the show is for WB’s teen and adult audience. Hmmm…

Brian tells us that people said they couldn’t do it; people said they shouldn’t do it. But they did. It’s an ambitious hoax in which thousands auditioned, all believing the WB was looking for America’s best singer. But they’re not – they are searching for the worst. The producers enlisted crew members, dancers, and even fans – all to create the illusion of a real talent show. They were bored by cookie cutter pop idols. So forget talent and vocal ability – they are looking for true entertainment, somebody fun to watch. As he says the search for America’s worst singer starts right now, we go into a show intro that even looks like the one from American Idol or American Juniors – except when one of the silhouettes falls down.

After that, Brian is back again to explain the concept of the show. While other people are looking for good singers, they are looking for the really bad. But here, it’s not enough to just be bad – they need to believe they are great. So they auditioned thousands of singers in Orlando, Philadelphia, Las Vegas, and Minneapolis, and gave them the chance to fly to Hollywood, where only the bad survive.

To choose the finalists, they assembled a distinguished panel of experts. We have Vitamin C, who says if a person is cocky and confident and doesn’t have the goods to back it up, they’re exactly what the show is looking for! Then there’s Tone-Loc, who says they are turning everything about singing upside down. And finally, the “resident straight shooter,” producer Briggs. When an off-camera voice asks him what he’d say to people who say the show is cruel and insensitive, he flips the bird and says, “[bleep] you.” Well. Okay then.

The panel faces two challenges. First, they must look bored and unimpressed by good singers. Second, they need to heap praise on bad singers while keeping a straight face. We’ll see more of both later. After the initial rounds, the 12 worst singers will face off in Hollywood. There, the hoax will get even bigger when the finalists get superstar treatment including image enhancement, voice instruction, shopping for expensive cars and homes, and meeting with the media. The winner gets a recording contract and $100,000 cash. And that’s when they will reveal hoax. How will the winner (and all the others) react? We’ll have to wait to find out. First we need to find our contestants.

They start in Vegas, where they hoped to find somebody who wouldn’t let anything stop them, not even a bad voice. People waited in line for hours and many were overwhelmed with last-minute jitters. But Robert’s confidence is unshakeable. He says he has a great voice and others will think the same thing. He performs “Why Do Fools Fall in Love.” Oh my. It sounds like a sick Muppet, or that somebody put his nuts in a vice. Vitamin C says superstardom begins with him. Tone-Loc agrees. Briggs says (in what could be true honesty) that he hit some notes and he’s not sure how. Briggs also asks if Robert has both his testicles. Yes, he does.

After the performances, Superstar USA does the AI thing with the host talking to the contestan. Robert tells Brian that a lot of people told him he could sing. Brian says he hit high notes that he couldn’t imagine dogs hitting. The amazing thing here (and in some we’ll see later) is that Briggs and Brian are actually telling the truth, but the contestant takes it as a compliment!

The next woman, Rosa, says she has everything. She sings with a quavering voice that gets even worse as it goes on, and does a few dance moves. Vitamin C (who I might just refer to as “C” occasionally from here on out) says she has talent a good voice. Briggs says he liked the way she could take a word and make it her own so it’s not recognizable. Like I said, honesty taken as a compliment. He breaks up in laughter after she leaves.

Lance is next on the show, and he appears in a tight sparkly shirt that looks like chainmail. He sings “Band of Gold” as much like a horribly stereotypically gay theater major as possible. C says he owned the song and is impressed because sex sells. Tone says he’s never heard the song like that before. That’s for certain!

Omar warms up by raspberrying his lips and bending over. He then proceeds to shout out “New Attitude” and forgets some words, but starts again. C shouts out with joy. She says he has passion. Briggs says he was awesome.