Superstar USA, Episode 2: Bad Is Good, Good Is Bad

Brian McFayden is back, and so are we. The search for America’s worst singer continues on Superstar USA. If you want to know the full premise, don’t worry, they repeat it about a dozen times during the show. Or you can simply read my recap of the first episode. But really, it’s pretty simple: good singers get sent home. Bad singers go forward. But it’s not enough for them to just be bad – they have to believe they are great. The panelists are Vitamin C, Tone-Loc, and Briggs (a producer).

The first featured auditions in Vegas and Minneapolis. Now it’s on to Philadelphia, where we see Brian run up the Rocky steps until he’s out of breath. Then it’s time to head to the auditions.

We begin with Frank, who says he’s a triple-threat because he can sing, dance, and has a lot of confidence. Indeed, he claims he’s kind of like Madonna – he’s very risqué and he will put it out there and not care what people say. Well, then, he should just love this show! He sings “The Way You Love Me” and comes off like a rail-thin version of Keith from American Idol 2 (you can see Frank’s picture at the top of this article). Briggs pretends he’s talking into a phone calling 911 to report a robbery: “Frank just stole the show.” Indeed, he might. But not for the reason Frank thinks!

After that, there is what Brian calls a nonstop array of terrible talent, and we get to see some of it. Among them is another “Born to Be Wild” performance that doesn’t quite make it to the levels of bad that Darren hit last night. Briggs says the performance filled him with joy juice. Ooookay.

Lori has a new song to sing, but she says she’s a star. Her personality, her attitude, her carrying a tune. Um. She performs “I Miss You” kind of like William Shatner reads his lines. She. Pauses. A. Lot. Briggs says it was great. Vitamin C (hereafter just referred to as “C”) says she was very sincere and not all ruined by orchestration. Tone says she was on deck like a sailor. She moves on, and after she’s out of the room, Briggs says they had a connection – she sang her heart out to him and he lied to her. C breaks up laughing.

Ryan is next, and he snaps along to a song. I’m thinking it was “Hot Lovin’,” but I really couldn’t tell for sure. The panel starts snapping along. C says it was very sexy and it got her all like . Frisky. Was it wrong for me to think about John Stevens and all his snapping while Ryan was performing?

Rochelle sings “I Will Survive” and adds an attempted opera-like screech at the end, showing all her teeth in a bizarre facial expression. Tone says it was definitely an original version. I sure can’t disagree with that. C loved loved loved loved loved it. Briggs says she’s sassy and sexy.

Uh oh, some talented singers showed up. Damn, don’t you hate it when that happens? One sings “Think” and C says that’s not what looking for. Well, it’s true. Two sisters do a good duet. Tone says definite no. They say “awww” together. It’s kind of cute. A woman sings “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” next, and is pretty good. Briggs gives her a raspberry and a thumbs-down.

Back to the bad, we have Mario, who says singing is his passion. Brian tells him that he has a great look. He definitely, um, doesn’t. I just can’t do a description justice so I won’t even try. He sings “Celebration” and does some really horrible dance moves. The panelists stand up and dance along, telling him it was a great job. Brian says Mario is his pick to win.

Next up is Tamara (not to be confused with Tamyra, who has an album coming out next week!). She says God gave her a talent and it’s time for her to use it to make people feel happy. Well, I suppose laughing at somebody does kind of make people feel happy, though in a really guilty way. She sings “Respect” and kind of whines the song. It’s a bit painful to listen to. Literally. She is not making me happy. Tone says it was cool. Briggs asks if she can be a diva, and she says yes. C tells her to say, “If my car is not here in five minutes, I’m out of here!” She does and they decide she’s a superstar.

There were lots of Madonna fans singing “Like a Virgin,” including at least a couple guys, and we see some clips. Alas, not everybody who sang it was bad, like Angelina, who is actually pretty good. Briggs uses a line that he also used last night, saying the bad news is that she doesn’t have the voice they need (which is 100% true, and watching now she will hopefully realize that’s a compliment). The good news is she’s smoking hot and he would love to take her out to dinner. She says no, thank you. Afterwards she says that he’s old enough to be her dad, and it’s a little creepy. Heh.

Michael sings “What Becomes of the Broken Hearted” – and I’m really stretching the use of the word “sings.” Briggs says it was outstanding, and he liked the way Michael connected to the lyrics. When he was singing about sadness and confusion, Briggs actually felt like Michael was sad and confused. C says she felt that too. It really is funny when the panelists are completely honest, but say things in such a way that it sounds good!

Next, we move on to Orlando. First up is Chad, in a bandana, who Brian says is everything the show is looking for. What makes him a superstar? He says he’s really really passionate about what he does. He will be singing “Alone,” by Heart. Actually, allow me to correct that. He will be screaming “Alone,” by Heart. I had to turn the volume on my TV set down! Oh my. Briggs says that was bad, bad to the bone. Well, he’s half telling the truth. Tone says he liked Chad’s voice and he’s a good singer. C says Chad has something really special. She’s not sure what it is, but it’s special and unique. That’s for sure.