It’s time to narrow the field and pick the final 12. They are whisked off to Hollywood and given superstar makeovers. Who is so bad – and so outside of this level of reality – that they continue on? And how do they react to their new images? Read on to find out!
Last week, in Episode 1 and Episode 2, we saw the open auditions for Superstar USA as the good were sent home and the bad were advanced. Tonight, the panelists have to narrow it down to the final 12, who will then be whisked off to Hollywood for popstar makeovers. Remember the winner will get a recording contract and a $100,000 advance. So even though they are searching for the worst, the worst will still get something out of it.
We begin as the field has been narrowed down to 28 terrible singers. However, to go further, it’s not enough to suck – the contestant must believe he or she is good.
What are the criteria?
A terrible singing voice is essential. We see Robert, Chad, Michael, Elle, Darren, Tamara, Omar, Claudia, Chris, and Rosa as examples.
They must truly believe they are destined for greatness. Here we see Nicholas of the boot-scooting boogie, Frank, Rochelle, JoJo of the pink fuzzy beret, Gerard, Joe of the “yeah yeah” or “no no,” Mario, Laurie, Ryan, and Jamie of the lyrics written on her hand.
And they must be extremely entertaining. We are reminded of Lance singing “Band of Gold,” Emily, Ash the anglo assassin, Richard of the weird dome, Herbert of “you can get with this or you can get with that” (not Rupert, as I originally thought) – Tone doesn’t see him as even being entertaining, John-Michael, Ross of the questionable gender, and Nina Diva of the high kicks – Briggs says good dancing with bad singing could be entertaining package, C says it also makes for a successful pop artist. Take that, Britney!
With so many bad singers, it is not an easy decision. Some they think are too talented. One is too cuddly. Etc.
So who makes it? Let’s find out!
Omar. Tone says he has never seen anybody warm up his lips the way Omar did – he was doing raspberries, as you’ll recall. Vitamin C says Omar has a couple good qualities: He’s stoic, ridiculous when he sings, and completely tone deaf – but he sells it with such passion. They surprise him in his apartment with news that he’s going to Hollywood. Omar is totally surprised and excited. He says he’s been trying to sing professionally for six or seven years now, but nobody has every said he’s good. Hmmm. I can’t imagine why that would be. And really, that says a lot about those on the show. All this time, people have told them they can’t sing. Yet they are so convinced that they can, they fall for this hoax completely.
Rosa. C says she draws you in like any good entertainer – she found herself leaning forward and paying attention. Most of all, she was trying to figure out what the hell she was singing! We see Briggs immediately after Rosa’s initial auditions, saying he almost lost it on that one. C tries to figure out what she was singing. Briggs couldn’t understand one thing she was saying. On most shows, that would get you disqualified. On this show, it means you’re one step closer to being a superstar. We see Rosa pampering herself in a beauty shop when she is surprised with the news. She thinks it will really be a big boost for her career. Oy.
Jamie. The genius of Jamie, C says, is not that she wrote the lyrics on her hand – but that she thought the panelists wouldn’t notice! C says she is pretty, tan, and has big breasts. The camera crew surprises her in her apartment in Minnesota. She’s in a bathrobe when they show up to tell her she has three and a half hours to catch a plane. She leaves her homework behind because she’s headed for stardom. People told her she wouldn’t become a star, but she’s proving them wrong. Well, she’s proving something.
Mario. Briggs says he had the looks, the voice, the complete Superstar package. Hint: That is not a compliment for his looks or his voice! The crew finds him eating and tells him the news. He says it’s cool. It’s been a dream for him, and he believes in his abilities. I believe in his abilities too – his abilities to possibly win this whole thing! Again, not a compliment.
Nina Diva. She high-kicked her way into the competition. Tone says if you’re gonna sing bad, at least you can look good. She’s one fly diva. They track her down in Florida to spring the news that she is leaving right then. She says she is ready to go to L.A. and crush the competition. She might well do that…
John-Michael. Briggs says that when he returns to his first love – producing regional dinner theater – he’s definitely taking John-Michael with him. You gotta love the jazz hands. The camera crew catches him off-guard walking out of a porta-potty. We get his interview with the porta-potty door open and toilet paper flapping in the breeze.
The mysterious Ross. Honestly, and I know this sounds terrible, but I still can’t believe Ross is a man. Tone says there are certain people who stay in his mind, and Ross is definitely one of them. Hollywood would be a lot less interesting without Ross. They surprise Ross at college. Wow. I still can’t believe Ross is a guy.
Tamara. C says if Tamara can pick up a melody as quickly as she picked up on how to be a diva, they’re in trouble. Luckily, she doesn’t think we have to worry about that. The crew surprises Tamara, who thought she was meeting a friend for dinner.
JoJo of the pink fuzzy beret and deep voice. Tone says he doesn’t know where he got his funky hat, but it added flavor. They interrupt him mid-workout with the news. He says for all those who said he couldn’t do it, he’s gonna pull their lips – or something like that. I’m not really exactly sure what he said, but it was definitely an “in your face” to those who said he couldn’t sing. Oh man, he must feel pretty silly now.
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