Superstar USA, Episode 4: Performances of the Delusional

I’ve got to tell you, my fair readers, that it is truly weird to watch this show right after the American Idol performance finale. From Diana and Fantasia to Mario and Nina Diva. Wow.

Anyway, we begin by being reminded that unlike other talent shows, Superstar USA is looking for America’s worst singer, not best. Last episode, the panel picked the final 12. This time, four will be cut after new performances with their updated looks. Host Brian McFayden asks: Will someone sing too well and be eliminated? Oh what a weird world this is!

Brian introduces the panelists and then we head right into it. The first performer thinks he was born to be a superstar. Brian says that with Mario’s fresh look and smooth dance moves (yeesh), he’s a contender to be taken seriously. He says he’s an entertainer. He’s blazing his own path. He definitely is doing that. He believes he has what it takes to win. He just might. Mario performs “The Heat Is On.” He’s bopping around the stage, massacring the song, doing spins and dance moves that make me cringe. But that’s nothing compared to the way his “oooh oooh ooh oh”s are affecting me. My God. Can he not hear himself?

Time for the panelists. Vitamin C says it was an amazing performance and image enhancement. She likes the bad boys, but he disappoints her by saying he’s already engaged. Millions of women across America prepare to throw themselves out of windows in despair. Briggs says Mario’s performance was as much fun as he’s had since he’s been clean and sober. Mario isn’t sure what to make of that statement. Briggs also likes the makeover, but the leather pants are a little risqué. He says Mario is carrying a concealed weapon in his pants and they need to be careful with that. Mario looks down as if to try to figure out what weapon Briggs is talking about. Briggs finishes by saying the other contestants may have something to worry about. Indeed. Mario is still my pick to win it all.

Brian reminds us that we are looking for somebody “uniquely terrible.” Will Rosa have what it takes? She certainly possesses a bizarre singing style, and the right attitude. Indeed, Rosa thinks she is much better than J-Lo. She is singing Madonna’s “Borderline.” Oh. My. God. Not only does she manage to avoid hitting the right notes, I don’t think she’s even on the same planet as the notes. And I’m not even sure if she’s singing in English or some alien language.

C says it was amazing. Really really really good job. Briggs says music is an international language and she speaks it very well. Ah, maybe that explains it – it wasn’t English, it was an international language. Rosa talks to Brian afterwards and says she still can’t believe it, she keeps thinking it’s a dream. He says it’s not a dream. No, it will be a nightmare when she realizes what’s been going on.

The next performer is on a mission. It’s Tamara. As we see her standing there like a statue – an incredibly boring statue – Brian voices over that she has charisma and immense stage presence. I laugh out loud at the irony. She is singing “Unbreak My Heart.” Well, supposedly “singing” anyway. I hear cats outside my house screeching in response to what they think is a mating call of some sort. Wow. Ouch.

C says her voice is best in the high range. I’m thinking it’s best in the really high range – so that humans can’t actually hear it. But C continues that her voice has volume, clarity, and a beautiful texture and timber. Briggs says it was a very sensual performance (remember what I said about her being a boring statue – this is a bit more of that irony). He says she made love to the song. She seduced it over dinner, massaged it, disrobed it, laid it upon the bed gently, found a rhythm, choked it a bit in the second verse, cuddled with it in the morning, and then made it breakfast. Oookay.

John-Michael has a strong belief in own superstardom. If somebody thinks they have something to match him, he says bring it on. He’s performing “Born to Be Wild.” As we already know, John-Michael is very… exuberant in his hand-waving and the like while performing. However, he may be the best singer we’ve heard tonight. OK, so that’s not saying much – it basically means he didn’t make me cringe as much as the others. But it doesn’t bode well for him sticking around.

Tone says he has it going on. It was off the hizzle fershizzle. Briggs says it was possibly a little too subtle – he wants to see more. Leave it to Briggs.