American Idol 3, May 26: The Coronation

Here we are at the end! What a season it’s been! Conspiracy theories continue to surface, questions about contestant placement (seeming to forget that we put 2/3 in the Top 12), charges of racism, favoritism, and all sorts of isms.

The latest scandal was with Diana’s sound problems last night. Here is the story, from Diana’s own mouth and Nigel Lythgoe, American Idol’s executive producer. The Kodak Theatre stage is much bigger than the regular Idol soundstage (ironically on CBS’ lot!). Unfortunately, there are “dead spots” in the stage where the earpiece of the wireless mikes the contestants wear sort of drop out, and the singers can’t hear themselves, only the music. The very purpose of soundcheck is to give the performers a chance to find these spots so they know to avoid them. Diana found herself in a dead spot during “Don’t Cry Out Loud” and was basically scrambling to find a place where she could hear herself. Unsuccessfully. It’s a singers nightmare, and the pressure of being on a stage and singing and remembering words and all, it seems Diana forgot what she learned in the soundcheck and couldn’t find a good spot before she just decided to struggle through it.

Remember, Fantasia was on that same stage, with the same equipment, and if you remember, she stayed essentially in the same place for all of her songs. No controversy, just a performer’s mistake.

Ryan Seacrest welcomes us to the red carpet! There is a makeshift stage outside where we will be treated to some performances. He also tells us he is about to be flanked by two lovelies, Jennifer Love Hewitt, and the love of my life, Christina Christian – gack! What did Christina do to her HAIR?? It’s like the ghost of Justin Guarinis Past! A shrill Jennifer Love Hewitt introduces LaToya London!

LaToya performs a devastating “If You Don’t Know Me By Now.”

Ryan joins Diana in her dressing room, and shows her the Diana Party in Georgia, hosted by Kim Caldwell. Kim brings up the governor of Georgia, who says he has a bet with the Governor of North Carolina, some peaches for some blueberries, and he feels pretty strongly that they will be noshing on blueberries shortly. Kim Caldwell seems to forget she has a microphone, so the need for her to YELL is minimal. Yet, she does. I don’t miss her.

Ryan joins Fantasia in her dressing room. An exhaustive discussion on lip gloss ensues. Fantasia gets a gift from Toni Braxton, she sent a candle. A very expensive candle. A sea of people are out in North Carolina to support Fantasia. She’s agog! Clay Aiken welcomes us, and we meet the mayor. The mayor says something which comes out as a microphone squeal. Clay says she said they can feel the love in the room tonight. Clay does his best to host, but the crowd is so loud, he can’t hear a thing. Moving on.

We get a montage of celebrities, alternately throwing support for Fantasia and Diana. The point of this is Famous People Watch Our Show. Message received. Christina, and her hair, talk to Nichole Richie, who will be co-starring in Simple Life 2 this summer. Nichole is a fan, she TiVos it (not too many buttons?). From what she’s hearing everyone is voting for Fantasia, but she really doesn’t know. She also didn’t know what a laundromat was. It’s like asking for political commentary from Carrot Top.

Jennifer Love Hewitt, still shrill, and bouncing, introduces George Huff singing, “Me and Mrs. Jones.” I still love his voice, and it’s in fine form. Let’s hope good things happen for him.

It’s only been twenty minutes?? *sigh*

Ryan is backstage with Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson. Paula’s breasts are in prominent display, and Randy is wearing a shirt-tie combo that may cause me to have a seizure. Has it been the best season yet? Paula says that and most exciting, it’s so unpredictable. Randy says they said it would be unpredictable and it would come down to a girl, and it has. Paula is looking forward to seeing Diana and Fantasia move on with their careers and start counting the milestones. They do feel like proud parents.

Christina chats with Ray Romano, who takes a full minute to say that he would have voted for Fantasia. Then, Jennifer Love Hewitt interviews Jasmine Trias, who says nothing significant. Then she sings a relatively passionless “Midnight Train To Georgia.” That lower register. Save me.

Ryan visits with Simon, who has the pin stripe suit-white shirt thing going, about four-five buttons undone. All he needs is a medallion. Even he has cleavage tonight! Simon says, again, that he is the only judge who knows what he’s talking about. He cites that he saw immediately how Fantas-ee-a could be one of the better competitors they’ve ever had.

Jennifer says, “let’s keep the party going,” and I want to strangle her, and shoots it to Christina. Sharon Osbourne is there with Christina, Sharon says her favorite was Fantasia and she loved last night. Christina is really going for the Pulitzer, huh?

Ryan humiliates himself with the backup choir, then steps into the Kodak Theater where the audience must have been wondering what they’ve done in their lives to have to endure Jennifer Love Hewitt. Have you ever heard her sing? She could make you crave William Hung!

Now the intro! Ooo-whoa-ooo-whoa-ooo! What was all that before – just a bad dream? Is Bobby Ewing in the shower? Tamyra gives a soulful, if uneven, “Star-Spangled Banner.” Excuse me, was there a recount or something? Did she win a season? I know she’s the first recording artist of 19 Records, but sheesh! There is pimping and then there is this!

Ryan says a record-breaking 65 million votes were cast! Sixty! Five! That is impressive! Even for sarcastic me.

Intro the judges. Randy says this is the place to be tonight, “if you ain’t here, you ain’t nowhere!” Paula says she is excited, she wants to get this over with so the ladies can get on with their careers. Ryan says one of the ladies will be crowned the winner and manages to segue into “The Impossible Dream.” Diana starts it off, then joined by Fantasia, then Kelly Clarkson, and finally Ruben Studdard. All sound phenomenal, Kelly’s power, Ruben’s inner joy, it’s all there.

Still over an hour to go. I can’t stand this.