Superstar USA, Episode 5: Eight Contestants Enter, Four Contestants Leave

We’re down to one episode a week instead of the two we’ve had for the first two weeks of Superstar USA. Host Brian McFayden reintroduces the panel – Tone Loc, Vitamin C, and Briggs. Briggs says there were some surprises – a couple people got better! C says they’re starting to behave like superstars, acting confident and coming into their own. So they had to dump ‘em. Brian asks if when they come out to sing, the panel is hoping they suck. Briggs is always hoping they suck, and they usually don’t disappoint. Will it be harder to determine who is the worst? Tone says they are knocking out a few, but out of the remaining group, it may be a little difficult.

Tonight’s theme is movie soundtracks. Each “singer” has been assigned one song from a movie. Are they up to the task? No, of course not. So then why do we still have the specific eight remaining? C says some people were born to be superstars; some people think they were born to be superstars. Nina Diva falls in the latter category. Nina talks about her song, “We Don’t Need Another Hero” and says they don’t need another hero because she is there. Oy.

Briggs says Omar had the voice and the passion they were looking for last week. He will perform “Endless Love.”

JoJo will perform “Footloose.” C says JoJo took to the process readily, such as referring to himself in the third person, and he had a good vibe.

Tone says Mario is a bad motherf***er. Well, he’s right about Mario being bad. Anyway, he will sing “Old Time Rock and Roll” and says he will blow the roof off the place.

Briggs continues with his shtick about how he couldn’t say how well Jamie sang, as he wasn’t really paying attention to that. All he was thinking about was, “Why couldn’t we have a halftime wardrobe malfunction?” She will sing the theme song to Titanic.

C says some singers come along and it’s like, “wake me up when they’re finished.” But with Tamara, it’s like, “wake her up when she’s finished!” Heh. Tamara says she can knock it out. Maybe she means she can knock people out. Snooore.

Briggs says John-Michael’s performance cracked him up. He seems to agree with many viewers (and me) that his voice wasn’t as bad as others, but he wanted to give John-Michael a shot in hopes he would get worse. He will sing “Eye of the Tiger.”

Rosa can barely sing, but she believes she can, which is what makes her so outrageous. She’s in her own world. Rosa says she gives songs her own style. Um, yeah, that’s one way to say it – though it’s stretching the meaning of the word “style.”

With that, we go into Rosa getting ready to sing “Wind Beneath My Wings.” She says her voice is better than J-Lo and several other well-known singers. Hmmm. I wonder what color the sky is in Rosa-World. She says she will try to connect with Bette Midler (the original singer of the song) and think of what she was thinking when she sang it.

With that, Rosa begins the song. Well, I think she does. I can’t actually make out any of the words. Or a tune. Or any semblance of anything musical. Oh. My. God. Stop the contest – Rosa wins. She is unbelievably bad. I just can’t describe it beyond that.

C tells Rosa that it’s hard for them to sit and listen to them sing (I’ll bet!). They take it seriously and she thinks Rosa did an excellent job. Tone says Rosa is definitely music to his ears and he has his eye on her. Briggs says he hates that song, hates Better Midler, hates the movie, hates chick flicks, but loved Rosa’s performance. He never heard that song before like she sang it (again, I’ll bet!). C adds that Rosa made it her own. Oh, yes she certainly did – her own what, I’m not sure. Rosa tells Brian she thinks she was excellent. Wow. I think anti-delusional drugs may be in order.

Mario says he’s a born entertainer and dedicated to performing. As soon as he wakes up, he puts on his CD player headset and starts practicing. You know what – he could practice 24 hours a day for a year straight, and it still wouldn’t matter. We see him rehearsing “Old Time Rock and Roll” as if he were Tom Cruise in Risky Business with his pants off. There’s a sight nobody really needed to see. Mario says he absolutely has what it takes to win – voice, energy, spirit, and even the looks. You know, he might be right – though obviously not in the way he thinks he is.