Montezuma's Revenge: Inside the Inferno

Before I finish out this train wreck of a season, I want to congratulate Kelley Limp. The one-time Real World and Battle of the Seasons cast member married actor Scott Wolf this past weekend. While I paid more attention to the likes of Melissa and David during her season, I grew to like Kelley. On her sole Challenge, she and best friend Danny kicked ass, making it to the final round and winning the grand prize. I just hope that if she has kids, they'll have better bladder control than Julie. I'll get to that in a minute.

Opening credits: Katie screams at Veronica. Shane pukes himself off the show. Jeremy sticks his head in the Bug Helmet. Julie tugs on Veronica's harness. Rotten eggs get dumped on David. The title: Montezuma's Revenge: Inside the Inferno. Does that mean I'll lock myself in the bathroom before the first commercial?

We're at MTV headquarters on Broadway, with an actual audience. I tried to make it, but I didn't get an invite. Then again, with all the bad stuff I've written in the past three months, maybe it's for the best. Out host is the VJ known as Lala. Make your own Teletubbies joke. Our guests are the twelve remaining players: Mike, Coral, Syrus, CT, and everybody from the Road Rules team except for Shane and Jeremy. Lala thinks that RR winning again is ridiculous. Boy, there's an insight. Everybody talks at once. Lala asks why RR is so unstoppable. "Every time I see Mike," Darrell says, "I rise to the occasion a little bit to whup his ass once again." I'm sorry... how many "win or go home" games did you play, Darrell? He adds that the RR folks are used to traveling and competing, while RW people argue with each other. Christena feels like RR are the underdogs, and they have to overcompensate. Timmy picks up a basket and starts a collection for RW. I like you Timmy, but please... go to bed. Seriously, go to bed already. Mike insists that RR got lucky twice in a row. He adds, "Even a blind squirrel finds an acorn once in a while!" Syrus thinks that RW chills in a mansion, while RR is used to sleeping in a Winnebago.

Lala decides to move onto the sexy stuff. Clips time! Mike play-wrestles with Kendal. She interviews that she can't think about him without blushing. Now Mike's on the phone, discovering that Trishelle is spreading rumors about the new couple. Cut to earlier in the season, where Trishelle tells Mike that she doesn't enjoy watching him kiss other people. Slow-motion shot of Mike and Kendal kissing. Mike: "I can't help it if a girl likes me and I like her."

Back at the studio, Lala asks for an update. Timmy asks what they'll do with the baby. Pipe down, Timmy. Kendal tells us that she and Mike are better off as friends. That wouldn't happen to do with Mike's drunken tirade during Kendal's Inferno, would it? Lala asks about Trishelle ratting Mike out to his friend. Mike informs us that when Trishelle got home from the Inferno, she started rumors about Mike and Kendal doing stuff they weren't doing at the time. The audience laughs as Mike continues: a friend of his who Kendal was barely seeing got pissed off hearing the story. I'm guessing this was before Trishelle got host-slapped by Sally Jesse Raphael.

Lala brings up Mike dancing with Christena at the club. "Mike was trying to dip into the chocolate," Christena beams. Oh, whatever. Lala tells Mike it wouldn't be a bad idea. It would be with Christena in my opinion. Seriously, I hate her so much now. Christena says that Trishelle threatened to punch her. Mike adds that Trishelle was crying in the bathroom about how much she loved him. I'm guessing that true love involves kissing five guys in front of your ex. Katie lunges, covering Mike's mouth, saying that she doesn't wanted anybody talking about Trishelle since she's not here to defend herself. Katie, I've grown to like you over the past few months. Do yourself a favor: move away from Trishelle. If I had to be in the same apartment as Trishelle and her hook-up du jour (currently the odious Adam Larson, last I checked), I'd be as irritable as Katie. I'm sure there's another BMP alumnus who needs to split the rent with somebody.

Lala moves on to the Coral/Trishelle rivalry. Cut to the club, where Coral doesn't want Trishelle to touch her. Trishelle threatens to beat Coral's ass. Coral interviews that Trishelle causes her own drama. Coral asks Trishelle what she should have done, and Trishelle thinks Coral should have kept her mouth shut. Good luck with that. Trishelle: "I'm not going to let her walk all over me and intimidate the [bleep] after me." Suddenly, we segue to Coral vs. Julie, which is the Challenge equivalent to "Shoe vs. Ant." Julie tells Syrus that she's not willing to let Coral run things. Coral: "Do I not want to see Julie's big ugly face everyday? No, I'd rather not." Julie tells Coral to keep her mouth shut, which angers Coral. Julie calls out Coral to wrestle her. You can guess what happens next. "I don't wrestle!" Coral blurts out. "I [bleepin'] beat bitches up!"

Lala points out that drama always goes on around Coral. She replies that she only hates four people, listing Trishelle, Julie, and Slappy Stephen from RW: Seattle. Syrus asks who the fourth person is. Coral replies that she reserves the right to put somebody in there. Basically, it's an irritant to be named later. I reckon she's a lady after my cold heart. Lala asks everybody why it's hard to get along with Julie. Coral says that she hates Julie's ass. "I don't have to like everybody," Coral adds, "and everybody doesn't have to like me."

Lala introduces a new clip, much to Coral and Katie's excitement. Leah tells Coral that Julie was huffing about doing something really bad. David: "She definitely peed on your bed." Several shots of the gang trying to figure out Julie's technique. Cut to Julie telling us she pissed on Coral's bed. Coral tells Timmy, and they both laugh. Timmy: "See what happens when you don't wrestle people?" This is a clip that has to be shown to Frankie. Girl, this is what you're life is gonna be if you don't shape up.