Road Rules X-treme, Episode 1: Recycled… to the EXTREME!

First, a confession: I haven't watched Road Rules since the season in which Gladys got sent home for slapping her fellow RV mate. I recall the season being less enjoyable without her in it, and felt no urge to tune in for future installments. Over time, memories of Road Rules began to blur in my mind, until I saw it as a poor man's Amazing Race, a Survivor where you couldn't vote anyone off. Still, Road Rules is not just a pale copy, but a show that paved the way for these worthy successors, and deserves another chance to leave a good impression.

We launch right into the first episode, which starts with a big map of North and South America, with a big line stretching all the way down to Chile. First up, we meet Patrick, a clean-cut 20-year-old from Park Ridge, Illinois, whom I will designate the Freddy of this group. A student at University of Pennsylvania, he states that wrestling has been important to him these past six years, and that he is in a relationship. He further adds, with deep foreboding, that he has "no idea" what he and the group are about to do.

Patrick meets Jodi, a 22-year-old native of Richmond, Virginia. Jodi describes herself as extremely athletic and informs the viewers that she's had an operation to remove her large intestine. So will she be the "overcomes amazing odds" participant whom we're supposed to shed tears for because competing on a cheesy reality show is her "dream come true"?

Patrick seems to approve of Jodi, describing her as the "sporty" type who looks like she can hold her own. Jodi considers Patrick to be the "all-American boy." Their meet-and-greet is interrupted by a Chilean man steering an oxen-drawn cart, which they quickly conclude to be their "ride" and climb aboard.

Elsewhere, we meet Ibis, who stands by a rushing river with a suitcase I briefly mistook for the RV, given the size. Ibis (pronounced Eee-bees) was born in San Juan, Puerto Rico, and is now 19 and living in Weston, Florida. She considers herself to be "girly," but feels that once you get to know her, she is very goofy and "ready to kick some ass."

Ibis rendezvous with Danny, who is 20 years old and from Linden, New Jersey. He tells us that he came out of the closet when he was 14, and it was "hard." He hopes he won't have to live with a "closed-minded, homophobic person." A series of rapid clips show an angry Danny, suggesting that he will meet with such a person, and if he really thought he wouldn't, he's never seen a reality show.

The cart with Patrick and Jodi swings by to pick up Danny and Ibis. As they talk, Ibis reflects that she will have to be the middleman between the South American people and her team.

Next we meet, Kina, a 19-year-old from Pennsville, New Jersey. She states that she was raised by grandparents, who brought her up to be strong, but she can be as vulnerable as the next gal. A feeling of dread starts to wash over me, which only worsens when I see Derrick approach her – these people look too much alike! Three tanned, slender girls with highlighted hair, three pasty, cropped-haired guys. Matching the quote to the correct face is going to be murder.

Anyway, 20-year-old Derrick was raised in Chicago (though the website says Des Plaines), Illinois. He is "one hundred percent Polish" and proud of it.

Kina and Derrick meet, and Derrick likes that she's gorgeous and goofy. Before he can plot any moves, though, that damned oxen cart shows up to spoil everything. Everyone greets each other, filled with that giddy "Hey, I like you!" excitement that is only good for the first day or two, so enjoy it while it lasts. They note that two people are from Chicago and two are from New Jersey, as if being from the same city and state will make much difference in a foreign country.

Credits... the Road Rules imagery has certainly gotten violent. Gladys may be gone, but she isn't forgotten.

The show cuts right back to the action (because it's EXTREME!). The Roadies continue their clumsy attempts at relating to one another. Derrick makes a homophobic comment, which kills Danny's mood right there.