Superstar USA, Episode 6: Bringin’ It to a Live Audience

It’s time for our potential superstars to face a live audience for the first time. Lucky for them, it’s a live audience whose members have been paid to be there. But the contestants also begin to plan their superstar lives as they go shopping for expensive cars and homes. Plus, they will be interviewed by the outside media and get dance lessons. One of them will get cut, and we’ll be down to the Final 3 by the end of the hour, so let’s get cracking!

As Brian McFayden walks out on stage, the audience is primed and even has American Idol-like signs for Brian, the judges, and the contestants themselves. The producers didn’t forget anything. The audience even booed Briggs (which didn’t really matter right now since the contestants couldn’t see anything yet, but hey, get ‘em ready to go).

Brian tells us that choreographer to the stars Dave Scott was recruited to teach our superstars to dance – if that’s possible. Jamie is first, and talks about how cool it is to meet him and how exciting to have backup dancers. She already feels like Britney Spears. Yeah, well, you probably sing as well as Britney too. Oh, there I go insulting Britney. Oops, I did it again. Dave says Jamie is a nice downhome girl, but when she opens her mouth, well, he’s trying to think of a nice way to tell us what we already know: she can’t sing.

Dave tells Jamie that she will sing “All By Myself” tonight. She’s excited. Plus, she tells us, she has a lot of dance experience because she was a cheerleader in high school. I wonder if she wrote down cheers on her hands. “G-O T-E-A-M-!”

Dave says Jamie was picking up the direction of the choreography, but “she can’t sing a lick.” Yes, yes, we know – if she could, she wouldn’t be here!

Next to the dance studio is JoJo. Dave says JoJo was ready for anything, and tells him that he will sing “Crazy in Love.” JoJo is excited about it because his friends all love this song. Yeah, well, they won’t for long.

JoJo tells Dave that he has some ideas of his own for dancing, and shows him his “snake action” slithering dance moves. Dave incorporates his “no bones” dance moves and privately laughs about him.

Rosa is Dave’s next challenge, and she will sing “Genie in a Bottle.” We see her mess up dance moves before she tells us that she used to be a triple threat, but now she’s a quadruple threat: looks, attitude, voice, and now dance. Oy.

Finally, we come to Mario, who leaves Dave speechless when he first arrives. Too bad we can’t make Mario speechless! He says Mario doesn’t even look like he would listen to music – I think that’s code for mega-nerd. He tells Mario that he will sing “Sweetest Sin” by Jessica Simpson and that the girls will be all over him to make the performance hot and sexy. Dave says Mario began to let go when dancing with the girls, while Mario says that even though he had two beautiful women gyrating with him, he felt no attraction because it’s just an art form and just business. Oh, but don’t tell them he said that. Gosh, I’m sure they will be heartbroken. And just imagine if they found out he was already engaged, as he has previously informed us. Oh my.

Dave says it took a lot for him to keep a straight face all day. I can only imagine. Dave says they have huge hearts, but that’s all he can say.

Back to the “live” stage again. But wait, then it’s back to pre-performance videos. Jamie is confident and excited. A wardrobe guy does some extra sewing in the bust area to make sure there are no wardrobe malfunctions. Briggs will be upset to hear that. Jamie hopes she will sing “All By Myself” far better than Celine.

Rosa is also extremely confident, saying she is already a superstar. Rosa is going to take over the world, she is the real Latin diva.

JoJo is lying on the couch, practicing. He says he is freaking out and doesn’t know his words and is not sure of his moves.

Mario is gearing up, saying he looks good, sounds good, and is going to rock. He says his show will be described as sexy but simple. He’s ready for a continuous life of superstardom.

And that begins now as he is the first performer. He begins “The Sweetest Sin” talking about making love while his dance moves have him thrusting his hips at his backup dancer. How people in the audience could watch this – even for pay – and not laugh out loud, I don’t know. Instead, they applaud at his oh-so-sexy dance moves. It must cover for them cringing at his singing.

Tone says Mario is the first star he’s seen tonight. Vitamin C says she admires him. That risqué performance was unlike anything she’s ever seen in her entire life. No kidding. Briggs says he took some liberties with the backup dancers and was too hands-on and inappropriate. But if he is crowned the winner, then he can manhandle, fondle, and grope all the dancers he wants because that’s what superstars do. But “until then, keep your hand out of the nookie jar.” Mario doesn’t look like he knows what to make of that whole speech.