Next Action Star, Episode 7: Days of Their Lives

If there was ever going to be a sequel to the ‘80s movie About Last Night, this would be a great way to start it: It’s 6:20 a.m. The hot guy with a girlfriend back home wakes up naked in the same bed where his favorite female houseguest is sleeping. (I know what you’re thinking: Is this Next Action Star or The Real World?) Once awake, the guy lets his friends regale him with stories of his drunken stupor the night before. Hey, maybe Jared and Mélisande could even play themselves! Mark is telling Jared how he was laying buck-naked on the floor with his left foot on Mark’s face (since Mélisande was apparently in Jared’s bed). By the time Mark gets up, Jared is back in bed spooning with Mélisande, with his leg intertwined with hers.

Jared says, “It’s easy to be snuggly with Mélisande because she’s someone I like and I’m attracted to. But also, she’s not my girlfriend, and I shouldn’t be doing this and it’s wrong and I’m [bleep!].” Umm, whom are you trying to convince, Jared: yourself or your girlfriend, because I don’t think anyone else is buying it. Seriously, does anyone else think these counterstatements like “it’s wrong” are purely for his girlfriend’s benefit, since Jared knows she’s probably watching?

So over breakfast, Mélisande wants to know how Jared got naked. The two of them can’t seem to stop giggling. In an interview, Mélisande reveals that her little sister asked her before she left to film the show: Who are you going to be (i.e. which reality TV stereotype): the bitch or the slut? Mélisande said at first she laughed it off, but in light of recent events, she’s not laughing anymore because, “Maybe I’m the slut.” Hmmm… sounds like Mélisande’s sister could open a psychic store on Sunset Boulevard.

With Mélisande having requested that the subject be dropped, it’s time to move on with the show. This week’s screen test is called Watery Grave. Two woman and a guy named “Rico” are tied down and held hostage in a ship that’s about to explode and send them to a “watery grave” if the hero can’t rescue them in time.

To get acquainted with the water, Jim Pearson, Stunt Diving Trainer to the Stars, takes the finalists to look at their gear and get a lesson in diving. The lesson involves putting a weight around the finalists’ ankles and pulling them under water. Mélisande, who has hydrophobia (that’s a fear of water) does not look too impressed and is not even sure she wants to participate.

Mae is not too thrilled either. She keeps holding her nose under water, which she admits is “not very [much like an] action star.” When she doesn’t hold on to her nose she gets some water in it and has trouble breathing. Overall, it’s not pleasant, and this isn’t doing anything to placate Mélisande, who is looking on from the sidelines (fully dressed, I might add).

Mélisande is told she’s the only one who hasn’t done the exercise. Determined to conquer her fear, she completes the exercise. When one of the safety divers asks her if she’s all right, she’s quick to reply, “yeah I was just testing you,” much to everyone’s amusement.

It’s time for this week’s speed challenge. The contestants are given blacked out goggles, so they can’t see a thing. Jim explains that while wearing the goggles and holding their breath, they have to drop down to the bottom of the pool and use a rope to pull their way through a fishing net tunnel, where they will be given a breath of oxygen by a safety diver, and will then have to work their way back up to the surface. There’s no time limit, except for the duration of the initial breath of air, so how this is supposed to be a speed challenge is beyond me.

The look on Mélisande’s face as Jim finishes explaining this is priceless. She’s got her hand on her cheek, looking like she’s wondering, “How in the name of all that is holy am I going to get through this?”

Jared is first up and completes the challenge with no problem. Jeanne is next and decides to forego the breath from the safety diver, maybe because, as she claims, “my bathing suit was coming off the whole damn time.”

Mae seems to do OK with the challenge, but later reveals that she too was wondering how she was going to get through this screen test.

Mélisande makes it through the underwater exercise all right, although she too refuses the second breath of air, and just paddles to the surface instead of using the rope. Everyone applauds her courage.

Mark complains that he hates the speed challenges because every single one of them has involved doing something that he’s never done before. For once he’d like a challenge that involves something he’s done before. Hey Mark, you want some cheese with your whine?

Mark and Jared are just shooting the breeze one day and start discussing how they’d fancy themselves as morning radio DJ’s. They’ve even got a cool name for their show: Mark and Jared in the morning — how original! If you think that’s bad, wait until you hear what they discuss while exercising. Mark asks Jared, ”Who would win a fight: grass or dirt?” Hmmm, that’s a tough call. I’ll have to consult my two-year-old and get back to you on that one. More importantly, “Who would win a fight: an Oscar or an Emmy?” Decisions, decisions.