Road Rules X-treme, Episode 7: The New Guy

Previously on Road Rules: Derrick crashed the RV, Jodi crashed a dune buggy, and someone had to go home. That someone was Danny, who failed to show enough "heart" to ingest platefuls of cow innards. So long Danny... you may have been annoying, but at least I never confused you with Patrick or Derrick.

This week, we find the Roadies literally wallowing in their own filth. Half-filled bottles of soda, snack bags, soiled clothes, and shoes are strewn throughout the mini-van, which the Roadies wisely left open to allow a swarm of flies to invade. The girls find flies everywhere and voice their disgust. Patrick speaks longingly of the RV, which might have broken down on several occasions, but at least it... what? Had fly repellant? Wouldn't leaving the RV doors open have created the same havoc?

Ibis calls the "X-Van" a personal low. "We have food everywhere, sweat everywhere, X everywhere. Dude, this place reeks like pure ass." Meanwhile, as the Roadies drive the Ass-Van from Calama back down to Santiago, they contemplate the new person joining their team. Patrick says "We don't know what he looks like and we don't know who he is, but what we do know is, we don't want him." Jodi proclaims the other four Roadies to be her "family members" and says that she doesn't want some new person coming in to mess up the dynamic. Hear that, New Guy? They are Best Friends Forever!

The Roadies plot to make the New Guy go through an initiation, suggesting that he ought to strip naked or eat cow parts, to go through some of the rigors that they had gone through. They especially fume that the New Guy will get immunity from being voted off if they lose the first mission, since none of them was so privileged. Roadies, you all had immunity after the first loss -- you had to lose two missions to get where you are now. If I were the New Guy, after a day or two with this group, I would ask for the immunity to be revoked. Then throw the mission.

At the Roadies' campsite at Melipilla Lake, we first see the New Guy walking up, holding an X-treme key. His face is artfully hidden from us to increase suspense! And as you can see... zzzzz... it's working. Suddenly we see him in full view -- a blandly nice-looking guy with buzz-cutted hair the same color as Patrick and Derrick's, with a matter-of-fact expression similar to Patrick's. No he won't be hard to tell apart at all. The New Guy tells us that his name is Nick, and he is a 22-year old student at the University of Wisconsin, majoring in journalism and minoring in business. The fact that he tells us what he studies instead of what bitchin’ frat he belongs to makes me like him already. Nick describes himself as someone who likes to have fun, but can be uptight and stressed out if he gets overwhelmed. So he should be an improvement over Danny, who didn't need to get overwhelmed to be those things.

The Roadies squeal as they arrive at the campsite and see their RV awaiting them, sparkling and good as new. Were they dim-witted enough to think Bunim-Murray would leave them in the Ass-Van, where there aren't enough choice camera angles? After a moment or two, Nick walks over to the super-buzzed group. They cheer half-heartedly when they see him, then awkwardly shake hands. Ibis complains that they don't need a sixth teammate, that they could "totally" do the missions with five. So much for missing Danny. And the fact that most of the missions require pairs seems to have slipped her mind.

They all go inside to investigate the "X-RV." Jodi is so X-cited to have it back, with the part where the tree fell in patched over. Right, because they were initially going to leave the hole there with the tree still attached. The Roadies would have had to lug the tree to every mission, desperately trying not to tip over -- how's that for EXTREME?

Nick tries to get the girls' names right, only to be told tersely, "We can't lose, by the way." Nick agrees ("What do you mean? After seeing you lose two missions, I thought that's how it was done."), but it's not enough to soothe the ill-tempered Ibis. Ibis, you're probably the one I've liked best of the bunch -- why are you making me dislike you? She bitches that being with Nick is like "three circles and a square." Squarish Nick, by the way, comes across as pleasant, level-headed, and low-key... which so doesn't fly with this group. Want make them love you, Nick? Just say "Round of scotch... on me!"

The girls desperately probe for something they can relate to. Meanwhile, Patrick and Derrick sulk outside. They don't know what to make of the New Guy yet, but rather than go in to talk with him, they just... sulk. After exhausting the topic of sports, Kina asks Nick if he's "girlfriended" up. Nick says no, and Ibis awkwardly asks him if he's straight or gay. Gay, Nick affirms. Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding! Bunim-Murray refills its quota. The girls are very excited to hear this, likely imagining that Nick will pull out a red sequined ball gown and perform "Dancing Queen" on the roof of the RV. Yeah, flamboyant gay person! He's not boring!

Nick tells the girls that he came out two years ago and has no steady boyfriend at present. Outside, Derrick confronts him with the question straight out (he'd make a good army recruiter), and tells Nick happily that he's filling in for Danny. He'd be doing that anyway, Derrick. "You don't seem like..." a typical gay person, Derrick starts to add, before shouting for Patrick to come over. Don't worry, Derrick, once Nick's hot pink puffy pants arrive in the mail, you'll be much less confused.

Derrick can't wait to tell Patrick the news, and Patrick gets excited. Uh... did you know that he studies journalism, too? And plays sports? "I have no problem with gay people," Patrick tells Nick. "Cool," he replies, "I don't have a problem with straight people, either."

Once this exciting discovery is out of the way, the need for the New Gay Guy to Prove Himself becomes the central issue. The Roadies are nervous that Nick won't be an asset in the missions.

That brings us to the current mission, at a dog training facility. The Mission Managers (and somewhere along the way, I saw the title was Mission Mayors, but either it was "Managers" in the first episode, or I got it wrong; either way, I don't feel like correcting at this point) greet them and describe the mission as three pairs of Roadies each having to retrieve a bone from a doghouse and run back to the designated spot as they are chased by rabid German shepherds. Ibis is petrified at the sight of these barking, snapping beasts. While I am a big dog lover myself, I can understand the fear; I don't think a "sweet puppy!" will calm these guys.

Nick thinks death by attack dog would be "unpleasant." Patrick says that dogs are "crazy," saying "They don't have much in their heads besides 'I'm supposed to kill these people.'" As opposed to what's inside Patrick's head -- "Where can I get me some of that hot snatch?"

The Roadies dress in puffy outfits to withstand dog biting, then Ibis and Derrick take the first turn. Derrick goes into the "attack circle" in the middle of the field, where two German shepherds attack his arms. Ibis grabs the dog bone and is headed back to the start line (all must be done within a minute), when a dog comes out of nowhere and drags her to the ground. Terrified, Ibis lies there as the dog continues to gnaw. The minute ticks all the way through, and a tearful Ibis apologizes to the group for not completing part of the mission. Fortunately, she and Derrick will get a second chance.

Would Ibis's lack of "heart" to keep moving equal Danny's to eat the cow crud?

Pair Two, Jodi and Nick, figure out a way to outsmart the dogs -- the person who retrieves the bone should hide it in his or her coat. Jodi volunteers to go into the attack circle while the stronger Nick retrieves the bone and manages to get across the finish line while dragging the last dog to attack with him. The Roadies cheer, but Ibis sniffs that even though Nick won, he needs to step it up and prove himself! Patrick and Kina use the same tactic, with Kina going to the attack circle and Patrick dragging the bone and dog across the finish line.

Finally Ibis and Derrick take their second turn. This time, Ibis is the one in the attack circle while Derrick gets the bone. Derrick makes it toward the finish when the dog lunges after him and drags him to the ground. Huffing and puffing, Derrick manages to drag the two of them across the line with seconds to spare. Everyone is happy, and there will be no more Prove Yourself! this week.

At this point, thanks to MTV's unpredictable start and stop times, my TiVO cuts off. Having watched the episode in its entirety, I think all there is left is just general celebration and the usual the New Guy will work out after all!

Next week, on Road Rules: Jodi and Kina like the same guy! Kina hates that Jodi is acting "slutty" around him. Whatever happened to coupling with Patrick and Derrick?

Kara doesn't care if you agree with her. She considers herself to be a contrarian, which means she's technically not allowed to agree with anyone. You can reach her at kara_wild@dslextreme.com, or visit her website, The Contrarian's Corner.