Kevin and Drew Unleashed, Episode 3: Trifecta

You know the drill by now: two New Yorkers, small-town jobs, and bald heads. That’s my favorite part of the opening credits: when they show Kevin and Drew revealing their domes. This week: cowboy work, shrimping, and working in the minor leagues. This is the last episode, so let’s make this count.

Drew tells us that he and Kevin are going to work at a ranch in Tupelo. Kevin figures he can be a better cowboy than Drew. “Anything that requires physical skills,” he adds, “I’ve beaten you hands down.” Drew counters, “Keep running off your mouth. You’ll see what happens when you try and rope a steer.” Drew asks Kevin if he ever roped a steer before. Kevin answers, “I’ve had an encounter or two with a sizable young lady.” Drew says, “Yeah, but you didn’t have to rope her.” As they get into Tupelo, Kevin thinks they’ll be the worst cowboys ever.

The boys arrive at the ranch and meet the McCoy brothers: Jet, Denny, and Cord. Yeah, I’m not asking about the names. Denny tells the Frats that they will have to learn how to ride, since everything is done on horseback.

First, Drew gets on his horse, B.A. The gallop goes slow at first, then picks up. Drew wants to know how to stop bouncing in the saddle. Cord tells him to either use his knees as shock absorbers, or to hang onto the saddle horn. With the latter, however, people would make fun of him. Drew says that he’d rather fall off. As Kevin mounts B.A., a lovely streamer of drool hangs from the horse’s mouth. Drew asks B.A. if he ever held that much weight before. Kevin elects to hold onto the horn no matter what.

The boys ride to their next task. Drew ducks some low branches, thinking that maybe cowboy hats would be in order. Jet brings the duo to the colts. The object: get the colts from one pen to the next to brand them. The fellas get the job done, but not before Drew mutters, “Oh, jeez!” a few times. Next, the branding irons get heated up. Drew suggests that Kevin drop his pants and get branded.

The cowboys and the Frats team up to get a colt down a chute and into a holding cage. The colt bucks frantically. The cowboys show their method: one person holds the tail to steady the colt, while another does the branding. I’m uncomfortable watching it, but I figure that: (1) You’ve gotta identify the colts somehow, and (2) It can be seen as a fraternity ritual. Given the stars of this show, it fits rather well.

Now the Frats get their chance to brand. After some back and forth action, they manage to corral a colt. Drew grabs the tail... and gets some gas in the face as Kevin does the branding. Poor Drew. He always has to deal with eruptions. Kevin laughs, complimenting the colt on his timing. The guys switch positions for the next colt. Drew’s brand slips off, and Kevin can’t hold on to the horse. The boys start yelling as each other as the cowboys get a hearty laugh. Drew looks at the brand. “It looks like a drunk guy did it,” he exclaims.

Jet tells the Frats that they did a good job, and gives them regulation cowboy hats. He leads them to their challenge, surviving a bucking machine. Drew brags, “I got this one in the bag. Kevin’s liable to break any mechanical bull he gets on.” Kevin counters, “When I’m through beating you, you’ll be whimpering just like a little baby.”

After the commercials, Cord presents the mechanical bull to the boys. The object: stay on the bull for eight seconds. The winner gets an easier job tomorrow. Kevin pats the bull, trying to make friends. He bucks on the bull, yelling and yodeling, as various McCoy relatives and children laugh on the sidelines. Kevin lasts the entire eight seconds, but he stays on in order to cool down. Drew asks, “How’s the package feel?” Kevin says, “The package takes a beating.” He manages to get off, staggering away. Cord gives him 82 points out of a possible 100.

It’s Drew’s turn. As he bucks, Drew takes his hat off and twirls it around. Kevin figures there should be a deduction for showboating. The kids laugh some more. Drew manages to hang on for eight seconds, and he argues that showboating should count. Cord gives him 83 points – and the win. Kevin claims he would’ve taken the hat off if he knew he could get points for it. The fellas argue over technique. They manage to agree that they had fun, but they’re both chafing.

Later, Kevin is still bitter over the showboating. Drew informs us that the hair inside his legs is gone and he has “raspberries,” but he’s healthy enough to rub his good fortune in Kevin’s face.

The next day, Cord takes the Frats through their task. First, he releases dogs to pursue cattle. One of the hounds looks at the camera, not knowing what to do. The dogs herd the cattle as the boys whoop it up on horseback. Cord tells Kevin that since he lost, he has to hold a calf down. Drew’s job is to notch its ear. Kevin laments, “The injustice, it never ends.” Drew reminds him that he should have shown some style on the bull yesterday.

The ranchers select and rope a calf. It fights, making an odd roaring noise. Kevin says, “That doesn’t look like anything I want to be wrestling.” He grabs the calf, trying to topple it over. Drew yells for Kevin to put his knee into its neck, but Kevin loses the calf. He tries again, this time pinning his prey. Drew comes up to notch the ear. The calf thrashes away from Kevin, and runs smack into the camera. Cord asks the fellas if they’re up to marking another calf. Kevin says, “One’s good for now. We’ll know this bunch by this one earmark.” Drew adds, “He stands for the whole bunch.”

The Frats exchange farewells with the cowboys, then hit the road. Drew drives, saying he’ll miss Oklahoma. He says that their next stop involves shrimping at Mt. Pleasant, SC. Kevin says he loves shrimp. Drew asks, “Is there any type of food you don’t like?”