Outback Jack, Episode 7: Mother Knows Best

As we begin this second-to-last episode of Outback Jack, there are only three women left – Maria, Natalie, and Marissa (and if you missed my interview with Marissa, you should go back and read it to see why she says she’s not a villain). As you recall from the end of last episode, Jack says as of right now, he has no idea which of these three sheilas he might pick. Today, it’s likely he’ll have to boot one more as we prepare for next week’s finale, so let’s see what happens.

Jack and the three women are riding their horses as we hear from each woman how much they like Jack. They arrive at a crocodile-infested stream and ride through as Jack notes that at the start of this adventure, the ladies never would have done it so easily.

They stop for a snack – green ants! Jack says it’s a great pick-me-up as he describes to the women that they should eat the ass portion. Marissa says she doesn’t know how much nutrition there is in an ant ass, but what the heck. Maria says the ants have a sweet ass – literally.

Jack and the ladies arrive at what Jack calls his favorite Outback vacation spot to meet the top sheila in his life – Mom! He says he and his mom, Lori, are the only family they have and it’s been a while since they’ve seen each other. They hug tearfully while the ladies watch, still sitting on horseback. Jack takes Mom around to meet the sheilas. Marissa assures us that moms love her. She’d better, because Jack says to win his heart, they have to win over his mom.

They are taken on a tour of the extravagant house, each getting their own bedroom. Natalie screams in delight. Maria does likewise, though she doesn’t put as much gusto into it.

Mom assures us that Jack is extremely caring. She had suffered life-threatening injuries in an accident and he nursed her back to health. Awww.

Then Mom invites the three women by the pool – but not Jack – and asks them some questions. For example, what do they think is their worst quality? Marissa says she doesn’t take time to stop and take care of herself first. Maria doesn’t buy it, though she doesn’t say so in front of Mom.

Next question: If they couldn’t pick themselves to end up with Jack, which one of the others would they choose? Shockingly, Maria picks Natalie, saying she’s a sweetheart who is always honest. Natalie says she was really close with Marissa earlier and Marissa has her good qualities (I’d swear I just saw her nose grow!), she would have to go with Maria. Marissa privately tells us she doesn’t want either of the other women to end up with Jack. Well, duh.

Mom asks how they feel about sex before marriage (always a topic you want your potential mother-in-law to ask about) and Natalie’s face gets a hysterical look of terror while Marissa just smiles. Ironically, the answers are interrupted by a commercial for Sex and the City. Marissa says she won’t say yes or no – it’s between the two people involved. Mom tells us that Marissa seemed a bit stiff in her questioning, while Marissa says privately that she doesn’t want to tell Jack’s mom, “Yes, I want to have sex with your son!” Natalie answers that if you can wait, it’s so much more meaningful and that’s the way she dreams of it happening. Uh huh. So Natalie’s a virgin? Please. Maria says white dress and virgin bride is amazing. Marissa gives us a side (snide) comment: “A white wedding dress? Maybe off-white.” Heh.

The next question seems a bit easier. She asks if they feel Jack has fallen in love with any of them. Marissa says she definitely feels they both have feelings of love. So what about any of them being married to him? Maria says she can see herself in that situation.

Mom thinks Maria is beautiful, Natalie is funny and cute, and Marissa is intense and intelligent. All three blended together would make the perfect girl.

JD shows up with Jack – uh oh. But wait, it actually appears to be okay, as they each get to spend some one-on-one time with Jack. He picks Natalie first.

Natalie says she wants to share her feelings – and apparently her tonsils – with Jack. Natalie tells him that she thinks they complement each other well, and Jack takes it a step farther to say that opposites attract. She asks if he really thinks they are opposites – oh yes. But he doesn’t want a totally independent girl, he wants somebody to pamper.

Now it’s Jack’s turn to ask questions. If she’s the last girl, what would she be thinking? She’d be thinking that she wants to be with him, because their relationship is something that rarely comes along.

Next up, Maria’s date. She makes a classic dating show mistake by asking Jack flat-out what he thinks of the other girls. He says he trusts Natalie but is a bit suspicious of Marissa’s intentions but is attracted to all of them. Maria tells us that she about jumped up and yelled, “Hooray!” when Jack made the comment about Marissa. Instead, she starts making out with him to the point that he asks if she’s always this forward. He further explains the question by saying he needs to know if she’d be monogamous to him. Yow! She says she doesn’t like the question at all. Uh oh. Maria, the proper answer is not, “I don’t like that question.” The proper answer is, “Of course! I’m only this way because I am falling in love with you!” She assures him that she’s being real and he says if somebody is hiding something, he’ll find it.