Joe Schmo 2, Episode 9: The Grand Finale – A “Schmo” is Born

The show opens with producer Rhett Reese explaining the concept of the show to the viewers. There is a brief synopsis of the opening episode and we experience some of the highlights (or lowlights) of the series including the giving of the gifts, the first “Falcon Twist,” and the “Pearl Necklace” ceremonies. We relive the especially ridiculous moment when Austin gave Gerald a pearl necklace. And then there is Ingrid! Smart, perky, and remarkably astute Ingrid who figured it all out, much to the chagrin of the producers. She didn’t believe any of it and, rather than have her blow it for Tim, she was let in on the secret and joined the cast.

Once Ingrid joined the “dark side,” Amanda was brought in to stir up the pot and it worked beautifully. We see Matt Gould, the first Schmo, who “used to think it was real,” and then relive the remarkable “meet the parents” segments. There is yet another chance to witness Bryce, the psycho, in some of his finer moments including his heart-wrenching farewell.

And who can forget Eleanor and her histrionics! “Shove it,” she told Austin (maybe this is where Mrs. Heinz-Kerry got this line?)

All of our favorite moments – the dead grandfather, the airplane banners, and, finally the return of a crazed Bryce. But, of course, his stay was short and, in response to his grief over the death of his frog Everett, his murderous ways are unveiled and his manic departure is relived in all its psychotic splendor.

And then there were four. But, in the last episode, Derek dropped the last bomb (or so it seemed at the time) by telling them that not only will they be vying for a spot in Austin or Piper’s heart, but that the ex-lovers will also have a chance to decide if they want to rekindle the ashes of their former romance! And so begins the finale.

The actors are gathered for their daily pep talk. “The dessert of our meal of deceit is soon to be eaten,” Rhett tells them. “Get out there and act like the reality contestants that you are not.” Everyone is packing up. Amanda is concerned with the twist, but Tim says he is “coming at” Austin. So there! Ingrid arrives, followed by Piper and Austin. Tim tells us that he is going to call Austin out and he does. Austin tells Tim it’s Piper’s decision, but Tim thinks Austin is just resting on the glories of the past. Piper says she is open to the possibility of meeting new people.

Doot doot do doo. Here comes Derek. “Well here we are, down to the wire,” he opens. “Your stomachs must be as tight as Paris Hilton’s mini-skirts by now!” Amanda giggles! Everyone is going to be given a “little alone time” with Piper and Austin. Derek implores them to choose their words wisely, as this is a story that they may well be telling their grandchildren! Ingrid solemnly presents her resume for Austin’s consideration! Amanda is somewhat startled by this. Ingrid has also included a letter of reference and a practice cover letter! Oooookay.

Amanda and Austin have some alone time. Austin asks her to be honest. She tells us that you can really fall in love in a short period of time, and her parents are proof of that. She tells Austin she thinks he’s fun, but she doesn’t want to influence his decision on anyone else. This makes absolutely no sense, but who cares? Austin implores her to be candid, asking if she is really in the game for romance, or is she just there to have a good time. She tells him that she protects herself, but that the show has made her question that. She does say that she is interested in him and wants him to choose her. Talk about mixed messages. I say she’s in it for the money and, in real reality life, she would most likely choose the money over love!

It’s Tim’s turn with Piper. He still thinks she’s hot and wants to get to know her! Piper tells him that she regrets calling Bryce back and Tim replies that he is beginning to wonder if everyone is in on something from which he is excluded. This comment elicits a huge gasp from the crew but Piper carries on valiantly, steering the conversation back to their supposed relationship. Tim comes away from this little scene feeling as though he has a “good shot.”

The four “suitors” drink a toast while an amused production staff yuks it up in the trailer. As my former neighbor, Joe the barber, used to say, “The plot she is a thicken!”

There is lots of dramatic music as they gather to find out who will “make the leap to the next step.” Derek explains how this is going to work. There are four limousines waiting, each with one of their names on it. If Piper or Austin is in the limousine, that person gets to stay. If not, they “will be going on a one-way trip to rejection’s hopeless purgatory.” They are reminded that they are one step closer to $100,000. And, there is always the chance that Austin and Piper will get back together.

Amanda goes first but we don’t see if the limo is empty or not. It’s the same for Tim and we don’t yet know if he’s the lucky one. Cut to Amanda and Tim, alone in their respective limos. Amanda can’t believe it, and Tim wonders if this is serious. Amanda’s limo is particularly garish, decked out in disco lights and fake animal hide! Why should we expect anything less, right? We see them on a split screen each trying to be brave. Tim would relive every minute the same way. But then, poof! Here comes Piper through the driver’s window. Tim is ready to have a heart attack as he embraces her. She has to “pee like a race horse!”