The Assistant, Episode 7: Time to Get Your Fear On!

Previously, Andy was reunited with his ex, Jen. In what begins as a good day, Andy’s assistants try to plan a romantic getaway for the two of them, which turns out to be a day of hell as usual. Are they starting to realize that every day in Andy’s life is pure hell? Mykell and Colin end up getting the ax for screwing up the most, in what had nothing to do with what happened that day, but more with what happened on Andy’s NEW competition for them, “Andy’s Assistant Idol.” Loved it. Anyway, Melissa and Tanika remain but things are about to change.

It’s 8:30 a.m. at Andy’s mansion, which I still don’t even think is really his home because on MTV’s Cribs he had this little two-bedroom place. Okay, I got sidetracked. So the buzzer goes off in the garage and Melissa and Tanika scurry up to Andy’s room. He tells them he’s going to read a letter that one of the eliminated contestants sent him. Basically, they want to come back. Tanika already says the letter is ruining her day. In the letter, the ex-assistant says he won’t let Andy down, and in comes Mark. He tells the camera he’s a competitor and had to get back on the show. He even knows that Tanika is pissed and she tells the camera she was shaking. Andy welcomes Mark back, and then shows the three of them a plate he received from Glenn Close. Basically, he wants them to display it in the house, and for the assistants to chill out today and guard the plate because he’s having a therapy session. I already know where this is going.

In the garage, Melissa says she liked Mark and is happy to see him back. Tanika says now she has to work harder to win. The three of them try to find a place to put the plate, but Andy doesn’t like it and tells them to put it in the middle of the room. The doorbell rings, and in comes Dave Navarro from Jane’s Addiction. Melissa is so happy, and Dave introduces himself to her and Tanika. He skips over Mark and basically just tells him to get him a coffee. Dave then makes his rounds of the house and goes to say hello to Andy. Andy tries to act happy, but is secretly mad. Mark walks in and gives Dave the coffee, with Dave asking mark if he spit in it. This is too funny because Mark isn’t even fazed and just looks as Dave as another obstacle on his way to winning. You have to give it to Mark – the kid is persistent.

Andy’s therapist arrives and Tanika says they will help Andy solve his inner problems. I think it would take a lot longer to fix his inner problems than one session with a therapist. Dave asks Andy if he can chill there for a little and Andy says it’s okay but to just keep it down because he’s going to start his session. He agrees and heads downstairs. Once he starts talking to the assistants, he “accidentally” backs into and breaks Andy’s gift plate that he loved “so much.” The assistants panic and basically know they are doomed. I’m already laughing and Andy doesn’t even know it’s broken yet.

Mark knows it’s going to be a long day. Andy is doing his therapy and says he feels like an ass clown. Dave tells them that they have to cover for him, and Melissa agrees while Tanika says they’ll tell Andy now so that he can deal with it while his therapist is around. Melissa breaks the news to Andy, saying a door was slammed and a plate broke. Andy is pissed, and that’s an understatement. He sees the broken plate and flips out, saying they basically said “F*&k you, Mr. Dick.” Yup, that’s basically what they said. Then, he makes them leave the room and tries not to be upset about the plate while returning to therapy.

Downstairs, Dave decides he wants to play a little guitar, and brings in his amplifier. The assistants panic, but Dave won’t move. Melissa thinks she can calm things down and have Dave teach her how to play, but he has her hooked up to the amplifier, and she’s just as loud. Andy comes down because of the noise and yells at them all, especially Melissa. He feels that they are beginning to gang up on him and test his limits.

Dave’s friend now comes over and Andy complains that this show is starting to ruin his life. Dave’s friend now has drums, via pots and pans, and they all begin to have a jam session. This definitely doesn’t make Andy happy and he goes and trashes everything. The therapist tries to calm him down, but it doesn’t seem to be working. Dave is basically told to leave by the assistants, through Andy, as he says “Dave Navarro is one son of a bitch.” Dave does finally leave, but before he does, he gives Tanika and Mark both a guitar, and Melissa a painting. Andy thinks they are beginning to turn on him, and is not happy they are taking gifts from other celebrities. Therefore, he smashes Mark’s guitar. Melissa now thinks Andy has demons. I love this show.

Here comes the line of the night. Andy tells the camera that it’s time for his assistants to “Get their fear on, bitches!” Time for him to hit back. He welcomes them to “Andy’s Fear this Factor Type Thing.” Just as they shattered his plate, he will shatter their dreams. This whole thing is based on points. 15 points to cross his pool on a beam carrying a script and coffee. The fastest time gets 10 extra points. Berta will keep track of time. Tanika wishes at this stage it was more a mental task and is quite nervous. Melissa goes first and falls into the pool, while Andy says next time she should wear panties, instead of a whole outfit. Mark goes, Andy yells and Berta laughs. However, Mark does it quickly and finishes in 44.60 seconds. Tanika is last and finishes in 32.12 seconds. She and Mark win 15 points, and Tanika gets an added 10 for the fastest time. Melissa gets no points this round.

For the second round, they will have to spin a wheel with five foods. The five foods are day old brownie, gas station hot dog, liver and onions, Berta’s beanie weenie casserole, and head cheese. Tanika tells the camera about her horrible gag reflex. If the food they are selected to eat can be finished in a minute, they will get 30 points. Mark is up first and gets the day old brownie. Andy adds grass and orange juice on top, but that doesn’t stop mark from finishing quickly and saying he’s eaten five-day-old brownies before. Melissa gets the gas station hot dog, with grapefruit juice on it. She finishes in 59 seconds. Tanika has the worst luck, and gets the head cheese, which she feared the most. Mark looks pretty happy about it. It looks really gross. As she begins, she starts to gag, and so does Andy. She says it was rough, and can’t finish in time. In the end, Mark has 45 points, Melissa has 30 and Tanika has 25 – she has been officially clipped. Of course, she doesn’t think Hollywood is fair, and that she proved that she has what it takes to succeed. Melissa says she’s glad Tanika was eliminated because she thought she was going to win the whole time. Mark learned to deal with Tanika, and really didn’t “not like her.” Andy tells the camera that Tanika will go far, since his driveway is about a mile long. No sympathy – love this guy.

Next week is the finale where Andy will finally clip someone for the last time. He’s not sure who it is going to be, but both remaining assistants want to win the “Master Dick Medallion of Gold.” I certainly can’t wait to see how this turns out and I’ll be here to give you the play by play! Oh, and Mark writing the letter to get back on the show – excellent idea! He knows Andy loves a kiss-up, so what better way to get back on than to kiss his ass? I give him credit for that one, but will he win, or will it be Melissa, who has been on the show the whole time? Look like we’ll see on Monday!

Phil Kural is finally a college graduate! You can still reach him at pkural@temple.edu, but he’s not sure how long that address will remain his. When it changes though, you’ll be the first to know.

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