Surreal Life 3, Episode 1: Ti Amo

It’s time for a new edition of Surreal Life, this time on VH1 instead of WB. If you don’t already know which D-level celebs are involved in this edition, be sure to check out my summary about them. But now it’s time to officially meet them.

However, before we see the "celebs," we hear a radio DJ named Jojo (Jojo the DJ who was a judge on Fame?) giving all within earshot a description of the show: "They're putting six new celebs into that killer house in the Hollywood hills, and they're taping these guys around the clock. The roommates have no radios, they have no televisions, or no internet." But hey, it's not as if they are completely cut off from the media; they get the Surreal Times every morning.

If it's the same "killer house" as before, they've made some not-so-subtle changes to the not-so-subtle furniture from Season 2. Gone are the bright pinks and black and white bedchambers that played host to porn star Ron Jeremy and non-porn-star Tammy Faye Messner (get better soon! We love you!). We see a brief shot of a workout room, a beige room with three twin beds covered with ‘70s-style orange and brown bedspreads and an "I Love the ‘70s" kind of orange stripe on the brown wall, a dark gray couch and white tile in the living room, and what I assume is a music room, which has 45's covering a wall (that's what I can do with them!) along with a bunch of electric guitars. Not quite the white fur rugs and white couches of the Erik Estrada Surreal Life, but this is a new cast. Jojo tells us, "this oughta be good." From your mouth to God's ears, Jojo.

Jojo tells us that we "won't believe this cast." Well, I believe it because (1) I already did the preview of the show, and (2) who else is left to participate? We've already hosted one of the Coreys; the obligatory sex, drugs, rock 'n' roll star (Vince Neill); the previous generation pop icons (Vanilla Ice, Erik Estrada, Emmanuel Lewis, MC Hammer); two reality TV wannabe stars (Jerri and Trishelle); and a couple of surgically-enhanced Baywatch babes (Brande Roderick and Tracy Bingham). In case you didn’t read my article, mentioned above, here's who we have: Flava Flav, Charo, Jordan Knight, Dave Coulier, Brigitte Nielsen, and Ryan Starr.

Flamenco guitar music starts playing as the camera shoots the body of a hot pink car. I'm thinking it's obviously Flava Flav, but shocker of shockers, it's Charo, headed to the house. Charo, who has the Michael Jackson-too-many-surgeries nose thing going on, tells us (with the aid of a bouncing ball and subtitles) that her name is “Maria Rosario Pilar Martina Molina Buprestid.” Most of America knows her, however as (and she starts to sing), "My name is Charo and I'm here to say, I brought the cuchi-cuhi to the USA." While VH1 pop-up video style credits appear to tell us that Charo is a classically-trained flamenco guitarist, rated "best guitar player in the world," by Guitar Player Magazine (memo to self: ask Dale Sherman if that's a legit publication), Charo admits that the "fabled cuchi-cuchi showed me the way to the bank." She has also been on The Love Boat 21 times. She says something about "32," but I have to admit that, without subtitles, I couldn't understand. I'm sorry, Charo!

As Charo arrives at the "killer house" (new idea for a reality show?), VH1 has planted some fans along the front walkway. There are about 14 of them. They're almost all women, all about 25 or so, and all apparently diehard Charo fans. Charo cuchi-cuchi's her way into the house and immediately gives her impression of the house: "Liberace with diarrhea, 1940." What hadn't been shown in the opening shots was the half moon platform bed with gray satin bedspread and matching gray curtains to enclose the sleeper (what's with all the gray?); the silver, NASA-jumpsuit material on two couches, and the bathroom that's out of order. Charo bounces on all three beds in the I Love the ‘70s room, then tells us she's got to find where there's one bedroom all alone. At first, it seems like she's settling on the gray, half-moon bed, but then she peers behind curtain number three and shrieks, "this is it!" "It" is a red and white room with white fur pillows and carpet (that's where it went!), her own bathroom and shower; Charo "ayayayayay"s with glee.

Having staked out her room, Charo continues to explore the house and finds a puppy in a small nook off the kitchen. The entrance to the nook has a large sign on it that says, "Hello, my name is," but Charo doesn't see that sign and thinks the dog is nameless. Summoning up all her imagination, Charo decides to name the dog "Cuchi." She plays some guitar for Cuchi, who apparently ordered a water. Charo and Cuchi play guitar while Charo tells that she admires "any musician," although she cannot take people who "come with an attitude." Cue Flava...

Seriously, Flava is the next "celeb" we see. He's decked himself out in a Viking helmet, although there's no explanation why. In an interview segment, FF (with Coolio-like cornrows sticking out all over his head) tells us he's a rapper from the group, Public Enemy. He says he's known for being the "greatest hype man in the business." (so rated by Hype Man Magazine, I'm guessing). Flava shocks the viewers by telling us that when Public Enemy was big, Flava had a big drug problem. The pop-ups tell us that, along with being part of one of the "50 immortal acts in rock and roll," according to Rolling Stone, he served time on three separate occasions (memo to self: ask Dog Chapman if he ever hunted Flava). He's clean today, "yes folks, hahaha." So, is he clean or not? No time to Google that info, as Viking Flava pulls up to the house and the same 14 screaming fans. Flava shouts out, "guess who's back?" and signs autographs while tell us that he loves being the center of attention; he can't help it. (The pop-ups tells us what else he loves, as we are told that Flava has six children by two women.) "I can't help it; I just like stealing the show." Flava thinks he has the whole mansion to himself; apparently he hasn't seen Surreals 1-2. Flava starts to play pool.

Almost on cue (I kill me! Cut. It. Out.), Charo and dog Cuchi enter. Charo seems to recognize him, "I love you! You're a musician!" but Flava has no idea and has to ask her name, twice. Flava says he panicked when he saw her because he knew her, but he didn't know her. Got it! Charo introduces Cuchi. Charo then claims to us that, in the first few minutes, she didn't put it together that it was "Flavor Flake." Well, she did a pretty good impression of recognizing Flake, telling him, "I love you very much." Flake endears himself to Charo almost instantly, asking if her breasts are real. Quite the charmer, that Flake. Charo doesn't seem offended, actually, telling Flake that her mother "had the biggest maracas," and had to walk hunched over. That seems to be what Flake wants to hear. "You the bomb, lady!" I guess he forgot her name again. Flake later tells us that he "never got the straight answer" on Charo's boobs, although we know that when he meets Charo's mom, he's good to go. Charo and Flake continue to talk about her boobs, her mother's boobs, cows; I got confused, to be honest. Charo then tells us that she's "psychic," that whatever Flake said, Charo knew he was "full of s---t." No need to be Miss Cleo for that one, honey. Flake continues to pour on the charm, asking if Charo ever took gymnastics, "'cause you're gonna be flippin' with me, G." Flake, you had her at "boobs," I'm sure. Charo tells us that Flake better watch it: her husband is 6-foot-3-inches, very good looking and, "he gonna punch you and you gonna go to the moon."