Renovate My Family, Episode 4: The Cole-Reimers

This week’s family is a strange one, that’s for sure, and, in the opening credits, we are told that this will be a “Goth to Glam” makeover. We are in Lancaster, CA, at the home of the Cole-Reimer family. Jay tells us that he and his team of experts are going to rebuild the family home and their relationships. Ashley Reimer, 15, the only non-Goth member of this strange crew, dreams of having a normal home and family. Her mother, Tina, and fiancé, Randy Cole are members of a Goth band. Tina is particularly fetching with jet-black hair, pencilled eyebrows, a pierced chin, and “Cleopatra” eyeliner. Yikes. Their house is equally attractive, decorated with the latest in gargoyles, carvings, pumpkins and skeleton ashtrays. A coffin completes the living room décor. It’s Halloween 365 days a year for these folks. Son Ian, 14, and daughter Lauren, 19, are also into the Goth look, but seem open to being “renovated.” Ashley’s dream is to see her mother and Randy get married in a traditional white wedding. But I anticipate some resistance as white is definitely not Mom’s favorite hue!

The family arrives at a local hotel for band practice. “This is going to be the surprise of a lifetime,” Jay tells us as he prepares to lay the news on the unsuspecting assemblage. He bursts into the room and makes his startling announcement. At first, the family seems to have no idea what he is talking about. They do seem shocked. All aflutter, Jay, informs them that Tina and Randy will be getting married, and then they will all return to a completely new house. It seems to me that the couple might have wanted a bit of input here, but Jay knows best.

They are given the customary two hours to pack up everything that they want to take with them. In a voiceover as they all scramble around, Ashley tells us that she sleeps in the den on a couch next to a coffin. Maybe her motivation here was to get her own room! The design team arrives on the scene and does a walk-through. Jude, the stylist, says the house has an energy all its own and admits to being a little scared! He thinks that some of Tina’s clothes could get her arrested! Kahi Lee, the interior decorator is also somewhat put off by the décor. The triplets arrive and Ian shows them his lizard. The coo appropriately.

Randy tells us that they do all their recording in the kitchen. Jude finds this huge tub of hair gel that belongs to Ian, and is totally amazed by the sheer weight of it. There is certainly nothing traditional about this house or its inhabitants. The two hours pass quickly and it’s time to leave. As the family departs through the front door, the construction team cheers. Daughter Lauren hopes that they are not going to knock the house down in front of her. But, of course, if you have been watching this show all along, you know what’s coming next!

Jay warns them that this is going to be hard. “It’s not just about changing your house,” he tells them. “It’s about changing your family.” In order to do this, of course, they have to help tear the house down. Ashley doesn’t want to see the house “crumbled down to the ground,” but they all grab the special Renovate my Family sledgehammers and crowbars, and get to smashing. The ever-clever triplets use reciprocating saws, while Kahi and Tina get busy with sledgehammers. “We’re kickin’ some ass,” says Tina. This part of the show is really stupid, actually. They spend a lot of time smashing and banging, though and Randy says this felt like a dream to him as he reminisces about all the memories in the house.

The finish knocking down all the interior walls, and get one last look at their house as the giant crane rips off the front of the house. Lauren can’t stand it and Randy has doubts. Tina tells us that Lauren has attachments to things, and this is very hard for her. Foreman, Scott tells us that, although Lauren was visibly moved, this is the beginning of a change for them.

The family is whisked away in a black (of course) limousine. Jay reminds them that they just walked out of their home of 18 years, and Tina compares this with pruning the dead branches in order to grow brand new leaves. “Sometimes that’s hard to do,” she says wisely, “but you just have to do it.”

Day two arrives, and the house is now just a frame. They are building a “honeymoon suite” for Tina and Randy. It will be a private area, just for them, that they can decorate any way they want to. Ashley will have her own room, finally, which should be a welcome relief. In the back yard, a pool is being laid out. Jaclyn Dahm informs us that it is very hot in the desert in the summer! So wise for a triplet. “This will bring them all together and cool them off,” she prattles.

Meanwhile, Jay and the kids set out to plan Tina and Randy’s wedding. They start with flowers and move on to cakes. Ashley has complete control over all the arrangements and picks out dresses for all of them. Then it’s off to the salon, where the entire family will be transformed. The family is separated so that their new looks will be a surprise. Jude wants to banish the black forever. Apparently, Tina was a hairdresser, and is still dying her own hair, cutting Ashley and Ian’s, and styling her own stark straight black hair and blunt bangs. Jude is afraid that she will be resistant to change and is particularly amazed by her eyebrows, or rather, her lack of eyebrows. Lauren’s hair is in bad shape. She’s been dying her hair for years and this has really done some damage. Jude thinks she is “Goth for life,” but proceeds to restore it to its natural dark auburn color.

The styling team works like demons. Lauren has shaved her eyebrows but, fear not, Jude will hook her up with new brows and teach her how to do them herself. He wipes the pencilled brows off Tina as well and expresses his reservations about her walking down the aisle with a piercing in her chin. To each his (or her) own, I say. Snip, snip, the Goth is GONE. Lauren looks beautiful, and Tina doesn’t look like the same woman. She says that she hasn’t look like this in “I don’t know when.” Ashley loves her new look, and Randy looks positively Yuppie!