The Surreal Life 3, Episode 3: Born to be a Wild, Funky Thing!

We start with the obligatory reality TV show recap, which I now summarize as follows: Flake (otherwise known as Flava Flav) "has horns" for Bridget, Ryan is disgusted, Jordy gets ejected but is told he's not that ugly, Charo claims artificial intelligence, and Dave is, well, Dave.

Everyone up to speed? Good. Let's begin tonight's episode!

The clock near Charo's snoring body indicates it's 8:55 a.m. The birds are chirping, but all the houseguests, except Dave, are still sleeping. When we last left our "lust birds," Gitte had crawled into Flake's bed and promptly removed all her clothes - and I spent two nights afraid to close my eyes for fear of the visual that presented. Sometime in the night Gitte seems to have gotten up, gotten dressed, moved to the phone room, and fallen asleep sitting in a chair. We are blissfully spared info on why or how that happened.

Dave is on the tennis court putting on roller blades. He has elbow pads and a hockey stick and is whacking tennis balls around the court in some freakish tennis/hockey hybrid. Dave tells us he's a morning person. Apparently, he's also not content with being a lone morning person, because he goes in to Flake's room and wakes him up with an elbow to the face.

Flake gets up with little argument, and, as we watch him make his bed, he tells us he's there to have fun. There's a voiceover of someone shouting, "Flavor Flave is in the building!" Flake decides if he's up, everyone's up, and he takes his Pink Panther slippers to Charo and Ryan's room, and tries to awaken them. Flake wishes them good morning, but Charo is ticked. She wants to sleep late, and does not take kindly to being awakened so early. "I gonna yump through a window,” she tells us. “I juh canno take it." Easy, girl! She's always threatening to yump out of windows... it's a good thing Glen Campbell's place is a one-story.

Charo is up, and has not yumped yet. Flake, trying to amuse or appease Charo, tells her he's going to rock the house, and then turns on the ole Flake charm. "Can I ask you a question? Got milk?" This, of course, is said as he pointedly looks at Charo's breasts. Charo looks confused for a second, then shrieks and shrinks back on the bed. If she wasn't yumping before....

Flake now goes to rouse Gitte in the phone room. Gitte, who is up and smoking already, asks Flake if he missed her. Flake replies that he missed her "all the time I was sleeping. I'm lovin' you right now." He cuddles against her shoulder and tells her he could "get all up in that," and I start having worries that I won't be able to sleep this week, either. In case we didn't understand where Flake was going with this, he dons his Viking helmet and tells us in an interview that "Flava Flave loves hisself some Bridget Nelson" [sic]. To Gitte, Flake declares, "we got it goin' on. Hubba, hubba, hubba, baby girl." Gitte smiles. Now I want to yump out a window...

Thankfully, before I do harm to myself, the “Surreal Life Times” arrives. The front cover headline blares, "Crank it up! Castmates Go Head to Head in First Ever Battle of the Surreal Bands!" Dave, who was the one to get the paper this morning, tells us that, although he didn't know what they were going to do, he was "excited and a little bit afraid at the same time." Be afraid, Dave, be very afraid. The group assembles in the kitchen and claps for the newspaper. These people must really be starved for information. Ryan reads the band battle details to the group: The cast will be split up into teams of two and battle it out in the backyard in front of a screaming audience. Gitte interjects that she's not a singer, and then tells us, “I can't sing. I'm not a musician. I'm not a songwriter." I seem to remember the first episode touting her as a European singing sensation, a la David Hasselhoff. I check the IMDb, and it tells us that Gitte recorded an LP called Every Body Tells a Story, recorded a duet with one-hit wonder, Falco ("Body Next To Body"), and recorded another duet with drag queen RuPaul, ("You're no Lady"). Anyone sense a theme there?

Each of the teams will pick one of the following classic tunes to perform. Interestingly enough, not one of them is "You're No Lady." The songs are "Born to be Wild," "Play that Funky Music, White Boy," and "Wild Thing." The cast is split up as follows: Flake and Jordy, Dave and Gitte (Yump, Dave! Yump!), and Ryan and Charo. Charo immediately declares that she and Ryan are going to win. Looking at the teams, she might be right. Ryan reads on. The cast will be sent nine musicians to round out their band. Each team will get to choose three new band mates. Jordy tells us he likes the idea of professional musicians and thinks that this might be a good time. I'd be more convinced of a good time if Jordy weren’t dressed like the Unabomber today (hooded sweatshirt, stubble, sunglasses). Ryan tells the group that the band that wins the battle will get $1,000 donated to their favorite charity. “It's gonna rock!"

Charo declares that the audience "is gonna have the privilege to see dis faboloss ray of life thing perform." Who is that? Her? Ryan? The group? This won't be the first time that Charo's pronouncements will confound. Dave asks if they can start by picking songs, and chooses "Wild Thing" for him and Gitte to perform. Good choice. Flake wants to play "Funky Music," which leaves Ryan and Charo with "Born to be Wild." Charo doesn't know the song, but starts drumming out a Latin beat on the kitchen counter with a spoon and a spatula, singing, "I was born to be wile" to a melody all her own. Gitte, Ryan, and Flake dance along.