In Search of the Partridge Family, Episode 5: The Battle of the Shirleys

The show opens with the eight Shirley wannabes, wearing aprons, and carrying brooms and mops, dancing around on the stage to the music of “American Woman.” I wish I were kidding! The “real American woman,” Shirley Jones comes dancing out, screaming, “Wheeee.” She seems rather hyped up tonight! After a burst of the Partridge theme song, “Hello World,” host Todd Newton appears, looking rather casual. He says this is like Mothers’ Day or, as they like to call it at VH1, “Desperate Housewives.” Shirley explains the rules and we meet the “Shirleys.”

Krissy Todd (Ovledo, FL) used to be a rock ‘n’ roller and then she became a mom. “If Shirley Partridge can do both, so can I,” she chirps. Gabrielle Wagner (Los Angeles, CA) is a “great planner and organizer, and Lisa Arnold (Albany, GA) tells us we should vote for her because she says so. Mary Kay Twargowski (Pittsburgh, PA) thinks she and Shirley have a lot in common since they can both make polyester look hot, and Suzanne Sole (Los Angeles, CA) will be a super-ube rock mom (whatever that means). Dee Nelson (Los Angeles, CA) hopes to bring about world peace, and Judy Guinosso (Souderton, PA) can drive a 40’ motor home and thinks that qualifies her to drive a multi-colored school bus. Julie Wittner (Los Angeles, CA) loves to cook and, just like Shirley Partridge, she can make a meal for six that is both nutritious and “Shirlicious.” I am already groaning with despair. I don’t know if I can take an hour of this.

Todd loves the word “Shirlicious.” He reminds us that we still have to eliminate one of the “Dannys,” and then Shirley segues us into “Shirley Boot Camp.” After all the usual boot camp crap, they take a day off and go horseback riding. Who should appear but Danny Bonaduce. He does a back flip off the horse and lives to tell about it. After all that fun, Shirley picks them up in the Partridge bus and they all go bowling. Then they went to a “beauty bar” – an interesting establishment where you can drink and have your nails done at the same time. How cool is that! One of the ladies has a birthday and, of course, a male stripper arrives to thrill and amaze them.

Now it’s time to eliminate three of the “Shirleys.” The lights dim and strange non-Partridge music plays. Gabrielle and Suzanne move forward. The music continues. Dee is eliminated and the audience goes "Awwwwww.” Mary Kay is safe, and jumps up and down with glee. Julie moves on as well. Three remain and only one moves forward. Krissy is safe. Yay. I like Krissy.

It’s time for the singing segment, and Shirley introduces Krissy Todd. At 17, Krissy was in a rock band. She gave up her son, Leland Grant, when she was a teenager. Now both of them are finalists for this show. Wouldn’t that be something if they became “Shirley” and “Keith”? Krissy has selected “Heartbreaker,” and the song is rather appropriate, especially if Pat Benatar is watching this. Krissy screeches and screams her way through the song with her zippy new hairdo. The judges are somewhat mixed on this one. Danny wishes they had added a brass pole. Danny always seems to say just the right thing.

Danny stops by to chat with the little “Dannys,” who are all nervous about finding out who is moving on tonight. Then we go to a commercial for VH1’s And You Don’t Stop: 30 Years of Hip Hop, which starts this week, and somehow seems a lot more appealing to me right now than In Search of the Partridge Family.

Back to the action. Gabrielle Wagner is next. She also plays the cello and seems somehow compelled to do so. If she wins, she is looking forward to being on Celebrity Poker Showdown – truly a worthy aspiration. She is singing the old disco fave, “Hot Stuff.” I laugh out loud and then hit the mute button. La de da de da. Without sound it is even better. She is certainly animated, slapping her butt and gyrating around. The judges absolutely hate her, which makes me feel a little better.

Now it is Mary Kay Twargowski’s turn at bat. In her pre-performance clip, she is shown wearing a tee shirt that reads, “Shirley You Can’t Be Serious” on the front and “I am Serious and Don’t Call Me Shirley” on the back. I have no idea what this means, but thought I would toss this in to prove that I really am paying attention. This is Mary Kay’s first audition and the fulfillment of a lifelong dream. In real life, she is a professional dog walker, and her business is called “Muffy’s Mutts.” No, I’m not making this up.

She’s chosen the song “You’re So Vain” to butcher. She isn’t as bad as the last two, but that’s really not saying much. She’s cute though and can wiggle her head nicely. Nope, the judges don’t like her much either.