Surreal Life 3, Episode 5: Catch a Wave

Hey there, surreal lifers! No news to relate this week, except to relate some home schooling I received since last week's recaps... you RNO readers ROCK!

Last week, Gitte noted that she liked hanging with (or all over, depending on how you look at it) Enrique because, since he was Mexican, he had a European vibe. VH1 made a big deal of pointing out Europe and Mexico ("not Europe"). Literal-minded RNO readers were kind enough to explain to me that Central Americans are often of mixed ancestry. That might include some Spanish or Italian blood and "that must have been what Gitte meant." I'm willing to give Gitte the benefit of that doubt, but I still think the VH1 map was hilarious. Mexican men may act more "European" than American men – or Gitte may never get the blue wedge in the Trivial Pursuit game. Either way, I enjoyed it.

And a special thanks to Debbie in Rocklin, California, who 'splained that the harmony the Flake (otherwise known as Flava Flave), Dave, and Jordy engaged in while toasting their good fortune in getting the suite was from The Three Stooges ("Hellooooooo"). Not being a Stooger myself, I completely missed that one. Thanks, D. Knowing that, I have to say the Stooge reference fit them to a tee...

Home schooling over; books down. Let's get on with this week's show! We recap the recap as follows: Flake is misunderstood. He also loves to drive, even though he has a spotty driving record, to say the least. The group heads to San Diego to see Charo's show, which Ryan almost misses because she's playing roulette. Gitte meets Enrique and I again have trouble sleeping for days.

Now to this week's fiesta del surreality. It's morning at Harrah's (or "Jarrah's," if you're Charo). Jordy is not a morning person and clearly dislikes being honked awake by cars in the parking lot. You may remember he spent the night in the Winnebago after failing to goad any of the other castmates into sleeping there, and he's ready to exact some revenge. Flake is getting ready, brushing his gold false teeth and ruminating on Gitte's actions of the previous night. "That did not make me feel good at all. She's my girl. I was really hurt." He's hoping today will be a lot better. Something tells me the gods of foreshadowing are playing with us.

Jordy decides to awaken the entire hotel and most of San Diego. He has corralled a housekeeping cart and is shrieking "Housey-keeping!" at the top of his lungs. He feels justified in doing so because "I had to sleep in the RV and if I'm not sleepin', they're not sleepin'." Well, J, you chose to sleep there because you couldn't get anyone to give you a bed or room to yourself and you have a Greta Garbo thing going on. And even if the castmates are somehow at fault, the rest of the hotel is blameless.

Jordy doesn't seem to care. He rides the cart through the hallways shrieking "Housey-keeping!" At the boys' and girls' doors, he bangs and shrieks, "wakey wakey!" The camera zooms on a large and wholly filled ashtray. "I know Bridget's in here." The housekeepers on the floor are smiling at his antics, but if I were in one of the other rooms, I would be calling the front desk so fast it would make Jordy's cleaning cart spin. Jordy's actions are not only loud, they're kind of offensive. He adopts a Spanish accent to go with his high-pitched voice, since all housekeepers are Latina, right, Jordy? "I need to clean the room before you leave!" The housekeepers, hearing this, aren't smiling as widely any more. Jordan Knight, Cesar Chavez on line one...

Gitte finally answers the girls' door, dressed only in her undies and a white tank top. Thanks for the visual. Gitte is not happy; neither am I at seeing what she looks like answering the door. Jordy is still shrieking about "Housey-keeping!" and Gitte tells us that while Jordy is finally participating (rather than sulking and sleeping), "it's a complete different personality." As for me, I'm not sure I don't like Jordy's hermit personality better. Gitte complains to Jordy that she only got to bed at 6:00 AM. Jordy doesn't care. He barges into the room, spraying Pledge in her face. Fortunately, he accidentally sprays himself as well. Gitte is a pretty good sport, considering. She laughs and hits Jordy with a towel, then demands breakfast. Jordy gets a laugh from me when he tells her he doesn't know where breakfast is. "I'm just a housekeeper."

The Surreal Times can be forwarded on a moment's notice, it seems. The newest edition has been delivered to Jarrah's. Its cover declares, "Hit the Beach! Surreal Lifers Get Well Earned Day at the Beach!" Earned how? Selling magazine subscriptions? Ryan finds the paper and brings it to breakfast where she reads the surreal weather report: "Forecast calls for sunblock and flip-flops." Flake is not amused. He tells us that the newspaper told the group they had to go to the beach. "It's too cold to go to the beach." I'm still wondering about the all-powerful hold a fake newspaper seems to have on the group, as Ryan explains the plan: "The Lifers will have all day to lounge in the sand, sip frosty cocktails, and rub lotion all over Bridget." Gitte raises her hands in victory and I resign myself to popping Tylenol PM for another week.

Flake is less than enthused. He says nothing and gets up from the table to get some silverware. Dave uses Flake's brief absence to talk to the group about Flake's desire to drive them home. Charo asks if they all have life insurance. In case none of us understand what she means, VH1 gives us yet another flashback of Flake telling Gitte that he has over 67 driving suspensions. When Flake comes back to the table, Jordy displays his diplomatic skills by telling Flake, "we got news, buddy. You ain't driving." Way to broach the subject, J. Flake asks why and Jordy, rather than explaining the group's concern with Flake's spotty driving record, tells him instead it's "'cause you up too late." Wha? Flake takes a beat and then responds as anyone would: "You scared me. I thought it was a real reason." You had a real reason, Jordy. Why not use that one? How about, "Flake, we're scared that you'll kill us."