Surreal Life 3, Episode 6: A Crazy Salad, Part 1

Hope everyone survived the bitterness between Gitte (Brigitte Nielsen) and Flake (Flavor Flav) last week. It's been such a hard week for me. Will they survive? Will they break up? I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. I've been an absolute wreck. I would expect The Young and Restless hasn't caused this much angst in its viewership. They are so perfect for each other. I can't imagine them without one another, can you?

Before we see if Flake and Gitte get their own love song, we have to have the obligatory reality TV show recap. Here goes: Flake's upset at Gitte's hookup with Enrique and decides to make everyone pay; TweedleDee and TweedleDum wax philosophical about the ocean; Flake surfs and fights with Gitte. Good times...

Here we go! It's morning at the surreal house. Ryan is snoring; Jordy is wearing his blanket like a babushka and yawning. Dave, the early bird, sees that someone puts eggs on to boil and astutely notices that no one's there. Rather than solve the mystery of the boiling eggs, Dave walks off muttering, "wonder how long it'll take for the mayhem to begin?" Given the pace of the show and that you are three minutes into it, I expect any minute now, D.

As if reading my mind, we jump to Gitte waking up in the phone room. She's wearing a nylon skull cap like Flake wears and, well, tall Danish women shouldn't wear those. Flake, who is styling the headwear properly, is sitting next to her and asks why she's in the phone room. Gitte explains that she was trying to make a phone call and fell asleep. Don't you hate it when that happens? You're in a phone booth, or at work, you start to dial and then... Zzzzzz. Flake doesn't perceive her narcolepsy as weird, though. In fact, he asks if he snored. I start looking at my TiVo store of Surreal Life episodes to see if I missed something. Last episode, Gitte stormed off after Flake declared he wasn't in love with her. Now they are sleeping together? VH1 has some 'splaining to do. I suspect he means that she slept in one of the other single beds in the '70s room, but we'll never know. (Damn you, VH1!)

Gitte is still angry with Flake about his comments at the bonfire the night before. Makes me that much more sure they didn't sleep together, but it IS Gitte, after all, so who knows? She tells us that Flake pissed her off and we get a flashback to him telling her he loves her like he loves Charo, etc. She notes that "it really hurt me and there was a bit of tension there." The mistress of understatement. As I remember it, you reamed him and then stormed off. What's interesting is that she never addresses how much she may have hurt him. Ego, party of one...

Gitte notes that it's only 8:30 in the morning and asks why Flake woke her up. I notice that he's trying to make a phone call in the phone room. Just 'cause you chose to use it as a bedroom doesn't mean it's still not a phone room, G. In any event, Gitte notes she's hungry, and Flake says he's starving. Starving for some Gitte-love, it seems, as his next comment is, "If you was a egg, I'd eat you. If you was a sausage..." I start hunting around for the Tylenol PM I took during the pool shenanigans in episode two.

As though realizing that going any further with this would cause millions to lose sleep for fear of flashbacks, VH1 mercifully cuts Flake off at "sausage." We next see him sporting a Macy Gray hairdo and frying up some sausage. He burns the sausages, leaving them on a plate heaped like a pile of something that came out of the dog, Boogie/Cuchi/Fatso. Yum!

Flake tells us that he had been getting upset with Gitte, "but then, I like Bridget (sic). I only can stay upset at her for so long." He gestures with his hands as though he's balancing hating Gitte on the one hand, and picturing her as an egg for breakfast on the other. Gitte is similarly ambivalent. "I don't know with Flavor. We'll have to see. Everything's possible." I think all is not lost for our star-crossed lovers. Gitte laughs as she watches Flake/Macy Gray attempt to bite into one of the charred sausages.

The paper has arrived! Dave retrieves the Surreal Times from the doorstep and gathers everyone together to today's headline story. "Time to face the music: Surreal Life cast to begin recording session. Today, 11:30AM, the surreal lifers will depart for their Hollywood recording studio and begin work on their very first single. (does that mean there will be more?). With a midnight deadline they'll have little time to dilly dally during the session." Well, except for Dave (even Gitte has an album out there somewhere), I can see why VH1 went with recording a song. But why throw Dave into the mix? John Stamos would be a better Full House-er. Remember Jessie and the Rippers?

Jordy tells us he was under pressure because the paper said he was the producer. Ryan, telegraphing my emotions, looks seriously bummed. She tells us she didn't want to sound negative, but "I'm pretty sure we won't be able to pull together a hit." A hit? From Charo, Flake, Jordy, Dave, Gitte, and yourself? The devil you say! I take a moment to recall Ryan's last hit. It was... oh yeah. There wasn't one.

Jordy realizes that he was selected as producer because he has the right shades. It's like Greg Brady becoming Johnny Bravo because he fit the suit. Jordy searches for his "producer shades" while Charo strums her guitar and chomps on gum like a heifer. Gitte, still wearing that ridiculous-looking skull cap, is rocking out to Charo's muted guitar. "Go, girl!" When did they become friends? Charo asks what kind of lyric Gitte has and asks if it's a Danish lyric. Gitte ponders this for a moment, then delivers up this gem: "We are such a cool group that sticks together. We love each other so very much. We know we want to be together." It sounded better in Danish, to be sure, but I wonder if Gitte is not watching her own show. You can't stand each other, G. What's with the "love each other so very much" stuff? Gitte shrugs and fires up a cigarette. Charo says nothing but, "okay..." My thoughts exactly.