He’s a Lady, Episode 1: Prettier Than a Wet Dog in a Rainstorm

Eleven real “he-men” (Dan, Ryan, Donnell, Cree, Rick, Patrick, Albert, Sam, Nathan, Michael and David) along with their womenfolk have been rustled up in a bare studio, supposedly to participate in a new reality show entitled “All American Man.” The testosterone is practically dripping off these fellows, as each claims he will out-macho the other, and do whatever it takes to win whatever prize is at stake. It’s not quite clear why the respective girlfriends and wives are around, but to a woman, they are supportive of their guys, and smile readily for the cameras.

Out comes our host (who I’m fairly sure has a name but I don’t know it, as Mr. S and I were screaming at the VCR to start working and frantically pushing random buttons toward that end.) [Editor’s note: The host of this show is Tony Frassrand who is credited with hosting HGTV’s House Detective among other shows.] The host’s first task is to send the men offstage as he confesses the truth to the women: the reality show that’s about to take place will not test the guys’ masculinity, but their femininity. All the men will dress, think and compete as women. And the grand prize for the “Best Woman” will be $250,000.

After all this, the host promises, the fellows are sure to come home better men. Well, of course, what man’s humanity isn’t improved by an eyebrow wax?

The wives/girlfriends are positively gleeful at this turn of events, even if they aren’t completely sure their particular guy can pull it off. But for a quarter million in prize money, you can be damn sure they’ll try.

We are treated to quick edits of the men’s reactions as they are told, one at a time, of the show’s true intentions by the ultra-bland host. “Ever see Tootsie? Ever see Mrs. Doubtfire?” To a man, the reaction is one of resigned good humor, and of the “let’s give it the old college try” variety. You gotta admire these fellows’ sense of adventure; they’ve obviously been cast for their “I’ll try anything once” attitude.

And now, it’s time for the womenfolk to leave. Tearful goodbyes are exchanged. The men will be away for several weeks learning how to compete as women. But it seems that the viewing audience will be treated to constant voice-overs and interviews from these women as the show goes on. I’m not sure how well this will work. To quote a favorite phrase, “How can we miss you if you won’t go away?”

Finally, the women leave, and a large curtain is pulled back, revealing a complete salon set up - hair, makeup, nails, wardrobe, and… yes, waxing stations await to turn these men into believable women.

Next, we are treated to a fun montage of the guys getting be-wigged, be-make-upped, be-nailed, and be-waxed. Nose hairs are clipped and yanked out of existence. Back hair? Gone. Chest hair? Gone. Leg hair? Gone, gone, gone, all to painful yelps and screams.

“No pain, no gain,” observes Mr. S, who has given up an hour of the Red Sox-Yankees Game Six to lend us his opinions on this show. (“As long as you flip back to the game during commercials.”)

The wives/girlfriends, who evidently have yet to find their way out of the studio, comment on how their guys look so far with makeup and wigs. I find their observations a little pointless this early on, but I hope to get over it.

Next up, fitting the eleven guys in cute clothes, each style unique but with a unifying “Pink is for Girls” theme. The fashion assistants struggle to find just the right look for each of the men. “What, no breast implants?” asks Mr. S.

During all of this gender-bending madness, each guy still claims he will be the one to win it all. This brings us to the show’s first lesson: makeup, wigs, fake nails and high heels does not rob a man of his self-confidence. At least, not immediately.

And finally, we are ready for the judging. Each week, the men will be subjected to the “He’s a Lady” panel of Celebrity Judges (Morgan Fairchild, John Salley, Debbie Matenopoulos) and eliminations will take place. Tonight’s burning question: which seven of these 11 men will go forward in the game?

This debut competition is all about first impressions, which consist of poise and potential. The first contestant sent before the panel is Dan, who sashays out in a cute striped outfit. The host asks Dan which female name he’s chosen for himself for the game’s duration. “Giselle” is the reply.

Next out is Ryan, who shakes his groove thing for the judges and gives his game name as “Sunshine.” When “Sunshine” sees himself in the mirror in full drag for the first time, he collapses. John Salley looks like he wants to fire his agent for making him take this gig.

Donnell follows, and proudly tells the judges that his game name is “Raven Nightshade.” When “Raven” sees himself in the mirror, he moans, “I look like a Williams sister!” That’s a pretty fair assessment. Cree is out next, and tells the judges to call him “Carmen.” Faced with his mirror image, “Carmen” admits he’s not the prettiest woman he’s ever seen.