He’s a Lady, Episode 2: Team Estrogen Goes to Lady Boot Camp

A brief recap of Episode one: seven men must act, dress, and think like women in order to win a $250,000 grand prize. At the end of every episode, they will be judged on their looks and demeanor by the He’s a Lady Panel of Celebrity Judges, and one man will be eliminated.

This is running against the World Series. Where do you think Mr. S is while I’m recapping? Off in another room watching TV, perhaps? Of course, but he is forgiven. Go, Sox!

It’s the first full day in the Barbie Dream House for our seven finalists, each of whom has his own game name – Cree/Carmen, Donnell/Raven, Albert/Alberta, Ryan/Sunshine, Michael/Scarlett, Giselle/Dan, and David/Wynona (my fave guy/gal). As the rules state, they can dress as men in the house, but in order to put one foot outside, they must be in full female regalia, including wigs, high heels and makeup.

Nerves make them wake up early, where they find Host Tony Frassrand armed with the day’s schedule. Today will be Lady Boot Camp – several experts in female deportment will be stopping by to give tips to the guys. Host Tony encourages the guys to learn as much as they can.

The first visitor to The Doll House is so-called “femininity expert” Danae Doyle. Just what is a “femininity expert”? I’ve no earthly clue. Anyway, she shows them how women supposedly stand, walk, and run in heels. I’ve never seen a woman in real life who acts the way she acts; she’s extremely over the top with her hand gestures and attitude. I’m thinking her regular gig is coaching drag queens.

Next in is David, a voice teacher. He shows the guys how to sing and speak in falsettos with varying success, but at least he works in a profession we’ve heard of before. Then come the makeup experts to instruct the men on how to do their own faces. The fellows seem to love their new individual makeup kits, and scenes later in the hour show them earnestly discussing the correct order of applying foundation vs. eye color.

After each expert’s visit, we are treated to confessions from the fellows that they have no earthly idea how their girlfriends/wives get through this torture.

I’ll tell you how we do it: not every day out means full makeup with foundation, face powder, etc. And I’ve yet to see a real women run for more than a few steps in real high heels – women are intelligent enough to know that a missed bus beats a broken ankle any day of the week. For true everyday running, we wear – gasp – sneakers over our hose and carry our heels to work, or we have an extra pair in the office. Or we have jobs that require us to be on our feet all day, like nurses or mechanics or waitresses or police officers, and we have special uniforms and footwear for those purposes.

So, ponder that for a moment, Ms. Femininity Expert. Then wake me when you get a clue.

Back to the show: The makeup artists leave the guys with at least one great piece of advice – don’t apply mascara as quickly as you shave. Those wands could poke an eye out.

Finally, Elizabeth the Personal Shopper arrives to take the “ladies” out of the house, and on a spree. But before they leave, Ryan/Sunshine decides to whip up a batch of frozen drinks, and imbibes a little too heavily. We get an interview with Ryan’s girlfriend saying he never drinks to excess, and she’s never seen him drunk.

What about drunk AND in drag? Never seen him that way, either? This, we can remedy.

Ryan/Sunshine mixes up a second batch of drinks. This is not a good idea, and the other guys in the house are none too happy about it. Later, David/Wynona tells us that Ryan pissed him off, because he reflected badly on the group when they were out. Did I mention that I love David/Wynona?

So, dressed in pastel velour sweat suits and sunglasses, the ladies make their daytime debut, with Elizabeth leading the way. Of course, Ryan/Sunshine makes a fool of himself, dancing drunkenly around the stores, and getting undressed in the middle of an aisle to try on clothes. No one is amused. Elizabeth ends their spree with these words of wisdom: “Remember, ladies, fashion is something you buy. Style is something you own.”

Ooooh, I like that a lot. If I did embroidery, I’d make a pillow cover stitched with that sentiment. Or maybe I can buy it somewhere.

Once back at the Doll House, the men eye a gift box. Inside is an announcement that tomorrow night, Host Tony will take them out for a night on the town. They will each have to pass as women, using their newly acquired lady-like skills.

We next see the fellows dressing up for their Big Night Out. Each guy comments that he’s in this to win, and each fellow thinks he’s the best. David/Wynona tells us that since he’s the fat one, his chances will improve later on in the evening, especially if they’re in a bar at closing time. He’s clearly worried about his lack of good looks, but jokes about it to the cameras.

Oh, Wynona! If only you knew that your sensitivity and good heart makes you the best lady of them all!

Driven to a mall in a white stretch limo, the ladies are met by Tony and given their assignment. They will walk about for a couple of hours, and Tony will ask the general public to “guess which one is the lady.” (Missing the point as they usually do, the general public never asks why they’re looking for the “lady” and not the “woman.”) A point will be given to each “lady” who gets a positive response. The lady with the most points will be immune from the next elimination.

We see Alberta, Sunshine, and Raven getting votes. Sunshine claims she’s learned from yesterday’s drinking debacle how to act like a lady, and she’s going to be serious about winning from now on.

The ladies go bowling, where they are observed like caged animals by a group of people behind a large glass window. It’s a pretty bizarre set up, but it seems to work. So, now the ladies have to think about whether it’s more “feminine” to know how to bowl, or to not know how to bowl. Michael/Scarlett says screw it, s/he’s going to be an athletic woman, and s/he bowls away.

Meanwhile, David/Wynona is in the ladies room and makes an important observation. S/he knows s/he isn’t getting any votes, and for the first time in his life, s/he realizes how this rejection must feel for overweight women. David is astounded at how bad he feels about this: “I’m an ugly duckling. I didn’t expect to feel this way.” Empathy: a necessary part of being a lady.

The competition now over, Host Tony announces to the ladies that Alberta was the winner. Big surprise, as Alberta is really beautiful, and no one was equating the word “lady” with anything else besides looks. This means Albert not only wins immunity but also a “Dude Pass”: a one day ticket out of the house dressed as himself, to do something manly and fun. And he can take another guy with him.