The $25 Million Dollar Hoax, Episode 1: Lies, Lies, Lies

Chrissy Sanford is a “sweet small town girl” with an “all-American family.” But in a bizarre, Twilight Zone-ish twist, she’s… living a lie. Over the next five days, she has to convince her family that she’s when the lottery… but she really hasn’t. She has to spend all of the money on herself and keep quiet about the hoax. (This hoax, by the way, is “the biggest hoax in television history.”) The truth could tear her family apart! If she can fool them all, they will win $400,000. (Place an imaginary asterisk next to that amount, because it’s not exactly accurate.) If she fails, she gets nothing. Can she keep the secret? “Let the hoax begin.”

The narrator tells us that Christine Sanford is about to lie, and she doesn’t even know what she’s going to lie about. She’s in a limo, being taken to an unknown destination. She’s also very dressed up. She says that she’s “literally in the middle of nowhere.” Chrissy steps out of the limo onto a red carpet. It’s dark outside, but she soon sees a lit-up spinning wheel (think Wheel of Fortune, only vertical and with larger amounts of money) a few yards away. She steps up to the wheel, which stops on the amount $25 million.

George Gray appears, and he looks so much like my college poli sci professor that I almost do that cartoonish eye-rubbing double take. I think it’s the glasses. George Gray used to somehow be affiliated with The Weakest Link, but I’m not sure how. He announces that the hoax will involve Chrissy lying to her family. She will “win” $5 million, but the money is fake. She also must spend this fake money on herself. After five days of this spending, Chrissy will spin the wheel in front of her to determine how much money she’ll get. The wheel will be fixed so that it will land on $25 million. While her family is happy and cheering and mentally deciding how to spend the money, Chrissy must drop the bomb that there is no money and there never was any. So, to sum up, she spends a lot of money that doesn’t exist, and just when her family is happiest about getting to spend more, she tells them that she was lying to them all. That’ll make for an interesting family Christmas card. Anyway, if Chrissy succeeds, she will win “a prize package worth almost $400,000.” See why I mentioned the asterisk? “A prize package worth almost $400,000” isn’t the same as $400,000.

There aren’t many rules, but the ones Chrissy has to follow don’t sound flexible - if anyone finds out about the hoax, she loses. If her entire family isn’t there on the day of the spin, she loses. (George says that if they’re not there and cheering for her, she loses, so it’s not clear whether they have to be happy for her or they just have to be there.) George tells Chrissy that if she accepts what she’s been told and wants to participate, she should come with him. If she doesn’t want to continue, the limo will take her home. Chrissy takes about 30 seconds to deliberate while we listen to dramatic music and I roll my eyes. If she weren’t going to accept, there wouldn’t be a show. I’m not stupid, NBC. Chrissy, of course, says yes. “Let the hoax begin,” George says.

Fast-forward to Day 1. We see a woman with one of those oversized checks and a guy carrying a bunch of balloons. There are camera guys running down a suburban street and people outside a house, wondering what’s going on. A car pulls up to the house and Ed McMahon emerges, announcing that he’s looking for Christine Sanford. Her family is excited, because if Ed McMahon and a woman with a check show up at your house, you’re required by law to be excited. If you received a check from Ed McMahon, what would you spend the money on? Perhaps on some of the products we’re about to see advertised.

After the commercials, we rewind back to the check and the balloons. (The check does, indeed, have the amount $5 million on it.) Chrissy interviews that she was as surprised as her family because she didn’t realize that there was going to be such a production. Chrissy’s mother, whose name is covered by a promo for one of the thousands of Law & Order species, interviews that it was like something out of Star Wars. Which version of Star Wars did she see? Chrissy’s father, Guy, was also amazed. Someone driving by the house in a green Volkswagen bug slows down and backs up to see what’s going on. I would totally do that, too. Chrissy’s excited. She interviews that she has six brothers and she’s the oldest. Six?? I have three, and I always thought that was a lot.

One brother, Phillip, pronounces the situation “sweet.” Thank you, Phillip. That was insightful. Holly, who’s identified as Chrissy’s brother Eric’s girlfriend, says that she’s overwhelmed; she started crying, which she says has never happened. She’s never cried? Her parents must have been thrilled when she was a baby. Mom asks Chrissy what she can buy with the money. Another brother, Matthew, wants a computer. Chrissy feels bad because he ain’t getting that computer. Phillip says that he wants a new bass. Another brother, Andrew, wants a guitar. Ed says that they have a family band; Mom says they’re “not the Osmonds.” Can I call Ed by just his first name? I’m not sure if I can. He’s like a legend. I think I’ll take my chances.

Paul, yet another brother, says that the money means the family will be taken care of. Mom shoots back that Paul can move out now. Ed notes that Eric, brother 5 out of 6 and boyfriend of Holly, has no shoes on and jokes that now he can afford to buy some. Eric interviews that Guy is happy for Chrissy because he doesn’t have to worry about her anymore. Chrissy says that she can pay her father back for her college tuition, but in an interview, she tells us that it’s tough because she knows she can’t. There’s cheering, and Ed and the family go inside. Mom says that this is the sort of thing that happens to other people. She announces that they have to call David, the final brother, who’s in California on a business trip. They call, and Mom tells him that it’s just like the commercials. She asks Ed to talk to David; Ed tells him that they’re opening champagne. David interviews that he was amazed to talk to Ed McMahon on the phone. He wants to hurry home to join in the celebrating.

Champagne is opened. Mom is still stunned. She says that she knew her family would be famous and she’d just hoped that the kids wouldn’t be in jail. Huh? The family is going to a resort courtesy of BigWin.net, the fake website supposedly responsible for the, well, big win. They’ll spend 5 days at the resort, and on the last day, Chrissy will spin the wheel. She’ll supposedly be able to win between $5 million and $50 million.

A fake lottery guy (I’ll bet you anything that’s his official title) tells the family that they need to shoot some promos for the website. The narrator tells us that the family agreed to let the cameras from the show follow them around during their trip because they thought all of the footage was for the website. Chrissy does a fake promo on the front lawn and interviews that her whole family is excited. The family choruses, “Point, click, and win big!” Somewhere on the Internet, a real gambling website is angry that they didn’t grab that motto first.

The family heads off to Palm Springs via jet, which Mom is very excited about. (How many times have I used the word “excited” already? How many more times will I use it? I estimate 25 million, which, hey, ironic.) Guy says the jet is comfortable and “decadent.” Chrissy says that this is something movie stars and rock stars do. Guy claims that it’s been his dream to fly in a jet. There’s screaming at takeoff, and the narrator serenades us with a voiceover as they “wing their way into the good life.” And commercials.