The $25 Million Dollar Hoax, Episode 2: Little Diva

Thanks to everyone who filled me in on George Gray’s illustrious career highlights. I still think of him as my poli sci professor’s doppelganger.

Last week on The $25 Million Dollar Hoax: Chrissy learned the truth about her hoax and the rules of the game. Ed McMahon was there. Chrissy began her transformation from sweet girl to selfish diva. There was shopping. A lot of shopping. Chrissy decided to stick with the hoax.

It’s a new day, and the narrator informs us that Chrissy’s newest challenge is to “up the ante.” It’s diva time! Chrissy is supposed to charter a jet and fly to Beverly Hills. Dad Guy, Mom Lois, brother Eric, his girlfriend Holly, and brother David are going with her. Guy is on the phone, telling someone that they’re helping Chrissy spend the money. He wants her to invest instead of spend it all. How’s that going, Guy? He’s worried about her going to Rodeo Drive, AKA the Land of Shopping. Chrissy says this is a fairy tale and isn’t real. Lois wonders what Chrissy would want to buy on Rodeo Drive? I’m guessing you can buy pretty much everything imaginable there, including things that don’t actually exist in real life, so Chrissy can buy… well, anything. Lois is on the phone now, telling someone that Chrissy won all this money, so now Lois doesn’t have to talk to that person.

When the Sanfords’ limo arrives at Rodeo Drive, a bunch of people crowd around, trying to see who’s inside. Lois says that it was surprising, since they’re “no one.” Chrissy has to pretend to love it, when she actually feels sorry for the people, who are expecting to see someone famous. Eric doesn’t like her behavior. Chrissy goes to Jonathan’s Salon, made popular by the TV show Blow Out. Thankfully, Jonathan himself isn’t there, which makes me happy, because I’ve heard he’s a real jerk. Chrissy says that she’s investing in herself. Guy laments that he’s seeing a new side of his daughter. Chrissy’s new hairstyle – which, I have to say, doesn’t look incredibly different from her old one – costs $300, and a fruit plate she’s served costs $100. A… fruit plate? Really? That fruit better be really good.

David says that he doesn’t care about his sister’s $300 haircut – he’ll just go to Super Cuts. He and Eric actually do, each getting a $14 haircut. They say “Super Cuts” about 600 times, probably landing themselves an endorsement deal in the process. Back at Jonathan’s, Chrissy says that she wants some “real food,” like sushi. Just eat your $100 fruit, missy. Holly interviews that the money isn’t what’s making Chrissy worse, it’s the greed and selfishness. Chrissy announces that she plans to – brace yourself – do more shopping. I for one am shocked. These commercials will help me calm down.

Chrissy’s next stop is Lladro. For those of you unfamiliar with Lladro (which, before this, included me), it’s a store full of astonishingly expensive statues. And yet Chrissy still doesn’t buy a big white dog! I’m so disappointed in her. Chrissy has apparently never heard of Lladro, but Holly has, and she knows how expensive the statues are. In the store, everyone is given champagne. Chrissy wants to pinch herself (I know some people who would do that for her) because she can’t believe that people actually live like this. Lois mentions that they get champagne everywhere they go on Rodeo Drive and she’ll be drunk by the end of the day. That would make this show better – drunken family brawls!

Chrissy looks at a $4,400 statue. David is amazed that she’s willing to spend that much on a piece of glass. The woman spent $100 on fruit, David. Eric says that he hates shopping because he hates spending money. Holly spots a $400 mermaid statue that she seems to really want, and Eric offers to cash in his disability check to buy it for her. (Not seen: Holly replying, “How ‘bout an engagement ring instead?”) A mermaid? I mean, there’s nothing wrong with that, but if you can only get one thing from Lladro, you want it to be a mermaid? Chrissy gets word of this and announces that she’ll buy the statue for herself. Holly is mad that Chrissy is buying the statue for herself, along with 12 other statues. Chrissy spends $47,152.37 at Lladro. That’s $46,752.37 on non-mermaid paraphernalia.

The Sanfords are on to St. John, a clothing store where, we’re told, “Julia, Paris, and Madonna” shop. Chrissy starts trying on clothes and says that, after five minutes, she is alone. Everyone else is sitting down, having their own private conversations. Chrissy spends $57,412 at St. John, and Lois thinks she’s “winding down.” Oh, Lois. She’s just getting started.

The next outrageously overpriced store is Chopard, a jewelry store. Lois says that Chrissy wanted to look at some jewelry, but “look at” means “buy.” One of the store’s employees offers to show Chrissy the bracelet “Charlize” wore to the Oscars. Yeah, I bet he’s on a first-name basis with Charlize Theron. This bracelet, which is chock full o’ diamonds, costs $750,000. The guy shows Chrissy some diamond earrings, which he says cost “$850.” Guy is shocked to learn that he means $850,000. The earrings are part of a set with a necklace; together, they cost $2.2 million. Guy says this is getting crazy. Getting?? I think the $100 fruit was the line between “getting crazy” and “officially crazy.”

David says that this isn’t like Chrissy. He points out a watch he wants and Chrissy jokes about throwing it in with her diamonds, but he knows she won’t actually do it. David thinks that she should take others’ feelings into consideration. Yeah! She’s not the only one who wants diamonds! Someone mentioned to me the other day, and I agree, that while Chrissy is being a cold-hearted brat about all of this, her family really just wants the money for themselves. They were happy when they heard that she’d won $5 million, but two seconds later, they were making mental lists of what they wanted. It would be one thing if David wanted Chrissy to realize that she’s hurting people’s feelings by being selfish, but I don’t think that’s what he means. I think “take others’ feelings into consideration” really means “spread the wealth.”