The Apprentice 2, MVPs and LVPs – The Corner Office or the Mailroom for the First Ten Episodes

Week 3: Did you remember to floss?

I actually saw my first tube of Vanilla Mint Crest this week. I had to take a moment in the toothpaste aisle to reminisce. And to think about how much I detest the thought of vanilla and mint mixed together. In week 3, the teams were given a budget and told to develop a "buzz" to introduce Vanilla Mint Crest; the best buzz would win. The men ran with Andy's idea of offering a million dollars through an insurance company or some such thing (I can't balance my checkbook; I had no idea what he was talking about). I guess it would have been an idea, had Crest legal counsel agreed. Problem was, they had no backup plan. What they came up with last minute ran like a nightmare I've recurrently had – clowns and vanilla mint everywhere. They had circus performers and the promise of three, $5,000 wins, which drew a good crowd. The team pulled out a win from a potential disaster, and created a good buzz. They never identified who pulled the circus idea from his hip pocket, which is a shame, because s/he might have liked the corner office. I didn't give it to anyone at Mosaic this week, not because they didn't put forth a solid effort, but because I really hate clowns and vanilla mint. The mail clerk for this week would have to be Kevin, the project manager, which kills me because he's my favorite. Kev, you always have to have a backup plan! You're just lucky someone in your group sent in the clowns.

Apex – you girls keep losing people and you might all fit in the mailroom. However, I will try and parse out the worst of the worst. The group decided to have a big name present the brand to the public. They got Mike Piazza, which was a wonderful choice for New Yorkers (although I am a Mets fam m'self). The group also devised colorful fliers to be distributed at the Piazza event. Here's the sticking point – Maria never got a written agreement about the price for the flyers. Result? The group, even though they had the better buzz, went over by $5,000. So, should Maria automatically helm the package scale for the week? Well, I was sure until Ivana shrieked to the printer that he was "raping" her. As someone who prosecutes rapists and batterers for a living, I took particular offense to that remark. And then there's Elizabeth, who, despite working for the client (Proctor & Gamble) in the past, couldn't seem to tie her shoes during the task without assistance. And let's not forget Stacie J., who thought she and Jennifer C. could pick up 20,000 tubes of toothpaste with no help and no truck. However, offensiveness is usually rewarded in big business, and the ineptness of Elizabeth and Stacie J. was outshadowed by the bonehead move of not getting a printer agreement in writing. Maria, the mailroom stool is all yours. Who gets the corner office? Decorate it tastefully, Sandy, 'cause it's all yours. Suggesting Mike Piazza was brilliant.

Week 4: Soup or Salad?

The restaurant episode. The "munchkin" versus the "anti-semite." Homophobia exploited for fun and profit. It doesn't get more delicious than that. The teams had to decorate and run a restaurant, down to determining its menu. The men took my mother's way out, which meant thinking simple for the menu and hiring a cleaning crew to fix the place up. The women, on the other hand, argued over the cuisine, with Project Manager Jennifer C. settling on "Asian fusion," which I have never heard offered in Des Moines. Sandy decorated the place, which was nice, if a little cold. The service was provided by the team members themselves. The men acted like gregarious and earnest college students and their mistakes were more cause for affection than disgruntlement. The women, on the other hand, looked like Stepford Wives from Hell. They stood around in sleek black outfits and stared at the diners or at their nails. Interestingly enough, lame duck Ivana was the hardest worker of the bunch this week, hustling and busing and telling the women to stop sitting and standing around. Ivana, enjoy the cushy leather chair in your corner office. You earned it this week. As for the mail clerk, there's no contest. As annoying at Stacy R. is, and as deer-in-headlights as Elizabeth is, of Jennifer C., Sinead O'Connor said it best: No one compares to U. Mail needs to be delivered by 11.

The men had an easier time of it, although they did come across some tough "gay guys" that needed handling. Resident Archie Bunker wannabe Chris suggested that John give them b---wjobs (his mother must be so proud), and John did flaunt his looks to turn the surly patrons in to smiling customers. That was the only hiccup I could see in what was essentially a solid effort by everyone. Not sure I like John's paintings (they look like something I ran over with my car), but that doesn't warrant mailroom duty. That honor goes to Chris. I hear the other mail clerk is a lesbian C, so you should be okay. Jeesh! As for the corner office, I was torn. I can't stand Raj, but the team as a whole was a credit to his leadership (Chris notwithstanding). Raj, there's an umbrella stand for your cane in the corner office.

Week 5: Can I get it by Christmas?

QVC. Home of decorated dolls and holiday sweaters. Not exactly the place I'd have pictured The Donald to hold a challenge, but there the teams were on week 5, shilling like pros. The task was to pick an item from the QVC warehouse, price it, and pitch it. The team with the most profit would win. Pamela was returned to the women's team, much to their mutual chagrin. She was also appointed team leader and proceeded to bark orders at the women like she was auditioning for the road show of An Officer and a Gentleman. The women chose a cleaning sponge, which I thought was a great idea. Small, cheap, something everyone will need. Maria asked to pitch it, claiming she was the best at sales. I dunno about that, M. Your frantic blinking gave me the willies. Pamela smartly switched Maria for Jennifer for the actual sales pitch. Stacy R. was supposed to handle legal, but she seemed all worked up about the bottles. Let's cover the labels and move on, people. It's not rocket science. I disagree with Pamela that it wasn't a big deal, as companies get in a twist about product placement and permissions and such, but Stacy took way too much time on it and took it way too seriously. Still, that doesn't warrant mailroom duty. Nor does Maria's facial ticks, although I would have that looked at, if I were you. It's disturbing. Ivana and Elizabeth were there, too, but ran safely in the middle of the pack, neither the best nor the worst of the team. So who does mailroom duty? Miss Pamela. The sponges were priced way too high, as seen by the sell-out that QVC accomplished when it lowered the price by ten dollars on Apprentice night on QVC. Also, even though little Stacy is wound too tight, you can't blow off things like trademarks and permissions and the like. Pam, you can lower the mailroom stool if you need to. As for corner office, I was tempted not to award it to anyone, but Jennifer pitched with the best of them. She came in at the last minute and did splendidly. Jennifer, enjoy the view.