The Surreal Life 3 Bonus Episode: It Was the Best of Times, It Was the Worst of Times

VH1 has provided us an extra episode of Surreal Life 3, promising never-before-seen footage and interviews with the gang. What do we have to look forward to? Here's what we got in the preview clips alone:

• Dave (David Coulier) poking his hockey stick (not a metaphor) into the girls' bedroom, causing Charo to shriek and, in response to his apology, to yell, "Sorry, my a--."
• Jordy riding a washing machine that appears to be making a break for it.
• Dave telling us that the show is best described as "the lunatics have taken over the asylum."
• Dave playing harmonica while Gitte (Brigitte Nielsen) gyrates in a leopard print, French-cut bathing suit, and Charo pseudo-rapping to Flake (Flava Flave), "you're raw, you're raw, I'll show you that you're raw."
• Charo teaching Flake to dance while chanting, "This dog/will pee pee/and ca ca/outside," before bouncing up and down and slapping her butt.
• The puppy taking a dump on the living room floor and Charo freaking out.
• Flake saying he never saw crazy until he came to the Surreal house.
• Gitte saying the Surreal Life took her by surprise.
• Shots of Flake and Gitte fighting and the girls' last night pillow fight.
• Ryan calling it "the most insane experience ever."
• Dave echoing the viewers' thoughts, claiming, "You don't know what's going to happen next, but you can't stop watching."
• Gitte and Flake dancing for the cameras.

And that's just the intro, people!

Jordy calls the episode, "the best and worst moments on the Surreal Life."

Dave is interviewed first. He appears not to have cut his hair or shaved in a while. "The retrospect (is that a word?) that I have about the show is that there's some characters here that (who!) are larger than life." Shots of Gitte shimmying in the pool, Flake baring his gold teeth, Charo cuchi cuchi-ing at the Battle of the Bands. "Walking cartoon characters. You know, I've never looked so normal in my whole life." Weren't y'all thinking the same thing? I know I was. Shot of Gitte backing Flake against the wall and pinning him there with her humongous chest.

Jordy (Jordan Knight) feels the situation "was like any family that (who!) is stuck in one house. You're gonna have highs, you're gonna have lows." Shots of Jordy and Ryan (Ryan Starr) writing the Surreal song, Flake repeatedly falling off his surfboard, and Gitte licking something off Jordy's finger (I hope). "But I don't think anything could have prepared me for the Surreal Life."

"Best Moments"

Flake's proudest moment was when his band won the "Battle of the Bands." Shots of Flake hugging the young band members and shouting that he has "the fly-est band in the world, G!" Flake tells us, "Seeing little Rosa do her thing made me happy." We see Rosa, the accordion player, wearing a pink feather boa and doing her thing. She tells us with a big smile that Flake "taught me I could really rock the accordion." We see Flake in his clown suit at the Battle of the Bands telling us that he feels "this is the greatest thing that could happen in music."

The highlight for Gitte was also her work with the kids. We see Gitte in her leopard print bathing suit bumping and grinding to the kids' music. "They were all so wonderful. Just the fact that they were there. And I was thinking about my kids. I'm in Los Angeles, and it made me cry." L.A. makes me cry, too, G. We see her crying while watching the kids play. She could cry now thinking about it. We see her ask one of the kids if he has parents (yes.). "Can you ask them if I can adopt you?" She kisses all of them, leaning her large chest over, grabbing the boys' faces, and kissing them on their cheeks. "They were amazing, they were sweet. They're honest." One kid, the night of the Battle of the Bands, calls her "the freaky person." Gitte, decked out in green tinsel wig and pink feather boa, takes it in stride. "Gabriel, you keep complimenting me, and I love it." She tells us that the kids wanted her to push Barry Williams (Greg Brady, the Battle of the Bands MC) into the pool. We see Greg--er, Barry, introducing himself and the bands, then the end, with him miming diving in. Gitte says, "It was just the perfect moment," and we see her push Williams into the pool. Gitte gives a thumbs up. "The boys (said), Brigitte, you're cool."

Ryan also loved her time with the kids, especially an eight-year old girl named Madison (the keyboard player with the awesome voice). She was "totally, like, rock 'n' roll, in an eight-year old kinda way." Got it. We see Ryan and Madison holding hands and jumping up and down to another kid's drumbeats. Madison, sitting next to Ryan, tells us she's a big fan of Ryan's because she's a really good singer. Okay. Ryan introduces Madison the night of the Battle of the Bands, and Madison riffs beautifully into the mic. She should have recorded the Surreal single, in my humble opinion. Ryan tells us, "It was really fun just to be around her. More so, like, I was a fan of hers than her being a fan of mine. She's an awesome little girl."

Dave loved surfing the most. We see Dave, Flake, and Ryan walking their boards into the ocean. Dave surfs, and Charo and Jordy cheer from shore. "When I got up the first time, I surfed that wave right to shore and just stepped off that surfboard. Everybody's like, 'It was amazing.' I was like, 'it was?'" Jordy confirms that "it was awesome" the way Dave surfed. "So smooth." Jordy never saw anything like it.

No suprise, but Jordy's best moment was producing the single, "Live my Life." VH1 seems to have fun with this. Shots of Jordy singing off-key during the writing process, then shrieking falsetto off-key in the studio. Charo mimes a throat-slashing to get him to stop screeching. Jordy tells us that Charo started going crazy in the studio, and we see her do just that, calling the song "RB funky s--t of 1999." Jordy talks about teaming up with Ryan, and we see Ryan sobbing to Jordy that "this isn't my passion!" Charo tells him, "This is the amateur hour!"

This is his best moment? But wait; there's more. Jordy, describing his "best moment," notes Ryan crying and Charo screaming. Maybe he didn't understand the question. It's your best moment, J. We see Charo yelling about Jordy making time for "poo poo poo poo" (Dave's mouth trumpet). Jordy on the night: "Ryan's crying for Charo, Charo's screaming for Ryan." We see Jordy screaming for everyone to trust him. "I'm the producer!" As if in defense of his choice of "best moment," Jordy tells us that he thinks it actually turned out really well. We see Jordy promising the same to Charo as he leaves her in her fury the night of the recording session, telling her she'll be pleasantly surprised. Charo, ever the lady, isn't so sure. "Surprise, my a--!"