He’s a Lady, Episode 5: Can She Bake an Apple Pie?

Previously on “How Did We Get Into This Predicament?”: Scarlett got the boot over the far more deserving Carmen. And coming up: it’s not enough they have to deal with panty lines, now there’s a spy in the Doll House as well. Is there no end to the unimaginative rip offs… I mean, the pain and suffering these ladies have to endure?

This week’s challenge is entitled, “There’s No Place Like Home.” All four of the remaining ladies, Cree/Carmen, Donnell/Raven, David/Wynona, and Albert/Alberta will travel back to their respective homes and fill in for the lady of the house, who’s mysteriously gone missing. Of course, they’ll have to do it in full drag.

David tells us his friends and family will be in for a rude awakening. Will Wisconsin be ready for Wynona?

Actually, I think that sounds like the perfect tourism slogan for the state. Wisconsin: We’re Ready for Wynona.

Meanwhile, Alberta is heading for Birmingham, Alabama (like that won’t be an issue), Carmen’s going home to Las Vegas, and Raven’s on her way to Georgia.

Back at the Cheese Head State, Wynona has reached her house and is greeted warmly by her dog, who of course knows who she is. “This is why dogs are great,” says Mr. S, “they never judge. They just love.”

Now all the ladies have reached their homes, where they are presented with notes: “Please clean the (kitchen, bathroom, pool, fridge) and don’t forget to (vacuum, do the laundry, pick up the dry cleaning, etc.)” So, now we get to see the ladies clean their own homes, one or two for probably the first time in their lives. Alberta admits she thought it was “magic” that cleaned up after her in the past.

You’d think that since the ladies are wearing heels, it would put them at a disadvantage vis a vis the tasks at hand, but it doesn’t seem to stop Wynona, who uses one arm to lift her sofa, while the other hand runs the vacuum cleaner. It’s an impressive sight.

The ladies have also been given a few side tasks: Carmen/Cree must pick up his stepson Jared at school. (“And take him right to therapy,” adds Mr. S). When Cree gets there, Jared gets really into the spirit of the game, and asks Cree to “do a lady voice.” Cree is quite taken aback, and replies, “No, that’s not who I am.” As if such distinctions are going to make any difference at this point. Jared knows a cop-out when he hears it, and insists that Cree does “a lady voice.” Cree finally, begrudgingly gives in.

And once again, Cree expels way too much energy arguing about something entirely insignificant. What a spoilsport.

Meanwhile in Georgia, Raven is making dinner for “her” family. When the relatives finally get to the front door, Raven throws it open and announces, “Mom! It’s the daughter you never thought you had!” Mom gives a first-class eye roll, Dad is completely stunned, and the brothers are overcome with laughter. Over dinner, however, everyone comes around, and ends up wishing Donnell the best of luck with the game.

Back in Alabama, Alberta has been instructed to visit “her” pals at the driving range where “she” once worked. As soon as they catch a glimpse, his friends almost collapse with laughter, but they each vie for the chance to squeeze her falsies at the same time.

Later, Alberta takes a spin in the Golf Picker, something Albert said he was the best at. Now, of course, Alberta is being pelted. “This is the most humiliating moment of my life,” she moans as the cage surrounding her rattles with angry golf balls.

It doesn’t take a mental health professional to see that there’s a great deal of pent up aggression towards the “differently dressed” going on in Birmingham. To any of our readers who actually live in Birmingham and want to dispute this observation, please feel free to do so. Then again, it’s possible the producers simply told Albert’s pals to be particularly obnoxious.

Back in Las Vegas, Carmen is setting up for a poker game for his friends, who have no idea of what they’ll find. At the door, they predictably laugh hysterically. “You look like your sister, Dude!” one of them wheezes as they gasp for air. And of course, like in Alabama, the Las Vegas guys are obsessed with Carmen’s falsies, and each one wants a feel of his very own.

“All these guys are erect,” says Mr. S, “what’s the deal?” I have no comment.

We cut back to Wisconsin. Wynona is wondering how his son will react to him. Will David be recognized? Young Johnny is introduced to David as “Miss Wynona.” Unlike Cree, David actually gets into character and pretends to be a woman, “lady voice” and all. Johnny seems to fall for the ruse, but eventually figures out Miss Wynona and Dad are one and the same: “You have the same ring!” Johnny crows triumphantly.

Johnny seems none the worse for wear after seeing his dad in drag. His biggest question is about the long red hair, and the concept of a “wig” is explained. Okay, all makes sense, no biggie.

As we watch David hug his son, Mr. S muses, “You know, Wynona looks disturbingly like my mother.” Once again, I have nothing to add.

Cut back to Alabama: Seems Alberta has been instructed to baby-sit his girlfriend’s kids. (Mr. S already has a name for Alberta’s latest business endeavor: “Transvestite Daycare.”) Alberta does a good job with the little ones who have no idea the pretty lady taking care of them is really their “Albie.”

Note: In this scene, Albert also uses a “lady voice” without seeming to violate any important principle of Deep Thinking Human Beings. Are you listening, Cree?

Back in Wisconsin, Dave’s friends come over for dinner and Wynona passes out some chips. There’s lots of laughter, but now we see something different: David gets serious, and tells his friends that he’s doing this for his family, to get them out of debt. It’s a thoughtful, quiet side that we haven’t seen from the other contestants, and it leads me to believe that Wynona is being set up as the winner.

I’ve been rooting for David since day one, so I’m hardly bent out of shape about this, but I think we can safely say that in this episode, we’re seeing some undeniable clues David/Wynona is going to take it all.