He’s a Lady, Episode 6: The Father of All Beauty Pageants

It’s here at last. The end of the experience of a lifetime. The grand finale. The pageant di tutti pageants. After six fun filled weeks, it’s now time to choose The Bestest Lady of Them All. And in doing so, we’re going to be treated to costumes, dance numbers, soul-searching, and Donnell’s vision of opening a camp for overweight kids. All this in only sixty minutes.

We begin the show with a mystery: David’s notebook is missing. I don’t know what’s in the notebook, but it’s David’s and it’s missing: that should be enough to rile up any fan of the show. With the revelation that Donnell has been spying on the group (really the most disappointing twist ever in a reality show. Like, who cares? What outcome did it change?), David suspects him of taking the book. Donnell claims he is innocent. Eventually the notebook shows up and it is never spoken of again.

Donnell wonders what challenges are going to befall the house next. “We’ve been models, housewives, and bridesmaids… what are they going to have us do next, lactate?” I take this as a shout-out to The Human Lactation Center, which happens to be run by my dad’s cousin, Dr. Dana Raphael (Hi, Aunt Dolly!). I’m sure that if the producers had only asked, Dr. Raphael would have been happy to give the ladies some interesting information – human lactation is a fascinating topic with many more physical, social, and scientific ramifications than one might think.

But no, the next challenge is apparently knocking on the door, and it comes in the personage of Summer O’Brien, a beauty pageant coordinator. (“What, Autumn Goldberg was unavailable?” asks Mr. S. By the way, I cannot put into words how thrilled he is this series is on the verge of ending.)

Summer shows the guys various creams and salves that every good beauty queen should be familiar with: Vaseline on the teeth for a smoother smile, hemorrhoid cream under the eyes to relieve puffiness. Surprisingly, Donnell knows all about this stuff and is more than happy to show the guys how to use it. “As long as it’s an unused tube of cream,” he adds.

“Gives a new meaning to the phrase ‘on the roids,’” says Mr. S.

Summer is also there to spill the beans on the Pageant’s Interview segment question: “What as a lady have you learned about being a man?” A little awkward in the phrasing department, but we get what they’re driving at. All they have to do is crib Dustin Hoffman’s speech to Jessica Lange at the end of Tootsie and they’re home free.

As the guys practice the beauty queen walk down the aisle, Summer shares her insights with us. Albert is really cute. Donnell has great personality and is a diva, and David is a “sleeper” – no looks but charming and has heart to spare. Well, duh, Summer… we could have told you that.

Next on the agenda, everyone gets into their Lady clothes and hops into the SUV limo to go to the dress designers, where they will each get a say in designing their own pageant ball gown.

At the fashion studio, Albert and Donnell are thrilled with the sketches of their respective designs. David, however, says his gown is frumpy (it is!), and despairs of its lack of glamour. Then again, he reasons, the whole thing is “like sprinkling sugar on dog poop… it’s still dog poop.”

After a quick stop home so Albert can wash his falsies (don’t ask), it’s off to the dance studio to learn the Big Opening Number. The choreographers tell the ladies that this is such a huge production; they’re getting back-up dancers.

The back-up dancers enter the studio: Ryan, Dan, and Michael, aka: Sunshine, Giselle, and Scarlett. Upon seeing their old friends, everyone whoops it up, and much manly hugging and backslapping ensues. We learn Cree couldn’t join them because of a “family emergency,” but the editing makes us think it was more of a choice on Cree’s part than not. Whatever. Be that way, Cree. You’re just missing all the fun.

The six guys spend the next several hours rehearsing, and then they all go back to The Doll House to spend the last night. There’s a cute scene of Ryan looking at the professional modeling photos of the guys, and claiming how Alberta really, really looks like a woman.

After some well-intentioned but sloppy-looking after-dinner rehearsals (Donnell is taking this quite seriously and cracking the whip), the guys start to think about their strategy at the interview. Albert has given up all pretense of working any more at this, and plans to get by on his fabulous girly looks. Donnell and David are taking it much more seriously, and David tells us that he wrote down more than two pages to answer the question.

The next morning, everyone begins to pack up. There’s the obligatory montage of past “Lady” moments – going shopping, going bowling, cleaning up the house, learning to put on makeup, and the infamous “fumble” of the bridal bouquet – good times, all. Mike/Scarlett tells us he’s glad for the opportunity he had to get in touch with his feminine side.

Now, off we dash to the pageant’s location, as the ladies cram in one more round of rehearsals. Despite the shaky start, the guys are starting to believe that they might actually pull it off, and their confidence grows. Just then, who should walk in the door, but the show’s prodigal son, Cree? Everyone welcomes him warmly, and he tells us he feels “like I never left.” Will they have time to work him into the Big Opening Number?

One hour before the pageant, it’s time for hair and makeup. Or rather, wigs and makeup. Donnell tells us he’s planning to win. David tells us that he’s worked very hard to get this far.

Finally, it’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for. The pageant begins. Look, there’s Host Tony Frassrand introducing all the wives and girlfriends in the audience. Who else is out there? How on earth did they fill up this nightclub? Friends of the families? Dates of the production interns? Whatever – they did it, and it’s a full house.