America’s Next Top Model 3, Episode 10: The Miss Kimono 2004 Pageant

Poodle: Ewww! She just took off her shoes! Would you take off your shoes at someone’s house?

Kumquat: If my feet were clean, yeah. But look at Tyra just brag about having been to every continent but Antarctica. Girl, we know you been everywhere – you don’t need to rub it in. And what’s with her saying the first thing she learns to say in every new language is how hungry she is? We all know she’s going to throw it up five minutes later.

Poodle: Going for the model/eating disorder stereotype, huh?

Kumquat: You know you were thinking it, too, Poo.

Poodle: I might have, but at least I was smart enough not to say it. Out loud at least.

Pause again as we watch the mood turn during the talk about women in the industry and sisterhood.

Poodle: Oh this is going to get good when Tyra leaves.

Kumquat: Oh yeah, they aren’t going to go after Eva until Tyra has left the building. And notice how quickly Tyra leaves so the girls can bitch at each other.

Poodle: And boom. Tyra goes and there’s Ann going after Eva and her bashing of Norelle.

Kumquat: And there goes Yadda tag teaming her away while Norelle and Amanda just sit there and do nothing but just watch and listen and listen and watch.

Commercial break ensues as we take turns re-enacting Amanda’s heel walk/fall before their night on the town. Hilarity is had by all. Not to mention a few bruises to be found the following morning.

Kumquat: The fight’s back on, girl. Get your ass back on this couch.

Silence ensues again while the girls bitch about Eva and her comments about Norelle. Not to mention everything that they have said about Norelle and her midsection size as well. This is so good we can’t even speak. Until Yadda speaks…

Poodle: Eva makes Yadda wants to study psychology more?

Kumquat: I don’t get it either. More sake?

Poodle: Not yet. Tyra mail’s here. Something about walking in her footsteps. Who is this man with the over blonde hair.

Kumquat: Are you sure that’s blonde? It looks like it’s more green than anything else. But he is wearing sequins. That’s something.

Poodle: And he has some word on the butt of his baggy pants. Those should be tighter to show it off.

Kumquat: Unless he has nothing to show off.

Poodle: Point taken.

This is the part where I had to turn the tape over but this is where Tyra learns of last night’s psychology revelation to Yadda and there’s some comment about how the fact that she’s in the final five should say something to Norelle and that in the industry everyone talks about everyone.

Kumquat: Green Hair Guy goes around telling people what Tyra ate for dinner last night and who she’s sleeping with.

Poodle: You just don’t like him, do you?

Kumquat: It’s the hair. I mean it looks okay on him but it’s nothing that makes me want to run out and have it done to my coiffure.

Poodle: Coiffure? You’re from Tuscaloosa, Kumquat, you can say hairdo.

Kumquat: Oh look. Eva and Norelle are making up. Oh. The lesbian love relationship is back on.

Poodle: If it’s a lesbian love thing. Remember we don’t know until I talk to Phil. It could even be straight girl love. Bi girl love. Love. Something. I dunno.

Kumquat: What the hell did they do to Tyra? She looks like Mr. Miyagi, the bride of Frankenstein, and an Eighties glitter band exploded all over one unfortunate person. I’m genuinely frightened.

Poodle: You’re going to do that outfit for Halloween, aren’t you?

Kumquat: It could be done you know.

Poodle: Oh I know. And look, she just did the Mr. Miyagi pose!

Kumquat: I told you! And look at her whip that kimono around. What is she – a model or a matador?

Poodle: Okay why do they have phones for these poses?

Kumquat: Product placement, baby. Prod. Uct. Place. Ment.

Poodle: That’s sad.

Kumquat: That’s modeling.

Poodle: That’s true. And is Norelle in Japan or on a Mardi Gras parade float?

Kumquat: Forget her. Green hair boy is getting too annoying. I mean if he shut his mouth more than Ann did they might be able to concentrate on doing these poses.

Poodle: Did you just hear him? Don’t do that in a linebacker way? What does he know about linebackers?

Kumquat: Do you want me to go there?

Poodle: You just did without saying it didn’t you?

Kumquat: You know it.

Poodle: That takes skill.

Kumquat: You know it.

Commercial time. We were going to start cleaning up the remnants of dinner but we were stopped by Green Hair Guy in a Cover Girl commercial.

Poodle: Okay, I know that Phil told me that they gave these girls some acting classes in one episode so what I want to know is…

Kumquat: Did they run out of money for Green Hair Guy to get some too?

Poodle: I mean that was the most stilted reading I have ever seen. And that other chick wasn’t that great either. I mean if you’re going to do a commercial for your Prod. Uct. Place. Ment. Then at least have people in their who know how to talk on camera.

Kumquat: Testify, my sister.