America’s Next Top Model 3, Episode 10: The Miss Kimono 2004 Pageant

Clean up resumes until the show comes back on.

Kumwuat: Poodle! It’s back on! Someone’s getting the boot!

Poodle: Coming!

Kumquat: Janice Dickinson. Two words, Poo: Tupperware. Dish.

Poodle: She’s been around a while. She looks like she’s had work done. Ooh. Hello, Nigel. Now that’s one specimen of the male species I wouldn’t mind coming home to after work.

Kumquat: Is it just me or does Nolé look like a plucked weasel?

Poodle: Since when have you seen a plucked weasel? Ooh! Tri-corner hat lady tea judge woman is back?

Kumquat: Who?

Poodle: Kimono woman! The one with the odd hair at the tea ceremony.

Kumquat: You are so weird.

Poodle: I know you mean that with love.

Kumquat: As always.

Pause again as we learn that the ladies will walk for the judges in a kimono designed by the Tri-Cornered Hat Hair Lady in a manner that is respectful to the country they are in…

Poodle: Oooh. Whip that fan out, Amanda.

Kumquat: I could never walk like that. I mean, I walk pretty fast. I could never shuffle my feet. And what’s with the Tupperware lady saying she was as delicate as a bonsai butterfly?

Poodle: They probably gave her that line to say on a card like they did on Hollywood Squares. Need a joke? Here we’ll give it to you. It might not fit the question but have fun.

Kumquat: They like her pose.

Poodle: Sorry, I’m distracted by that little patch of chest hair coming out of the top of Nigel’s shirt.

Ann enters now in her kimono…

Kumquat: Is she walking like a Hunts Point hooker?

Poodle: Since when were you a hooker?

Kumquat: No, you’re supposed to ask why I was working the streets of Hunts Point.

Poodle: Look at her sashay. Tri-Corner does not like it. She’s holding that phone like it’s a… well… a… um…

Kumquat: Rubber tube shaped object whose real name can’t be used when you type this up later tonight.

Poodle: Bingo. Yadda Yadda Yadda time.

Kumquat: I don’t like that pose. It’s boring.

Poodle: Sorry. I’m back to that chest hair thing with Nigel again.

Kumquat: Poor Norelle. She looks constipated, but Tri-Corner likes how she looks.

Poodle: Ya know, Kumquat, Janice shouldn’t complain about Ann’s hands when hers were pretty crappy in comparing Norelle’s walk to her pose. Watch the hands, you pathetic sack of silicone.

Kumquat: No more sake for you after that outburst.

Poodle: Eva looks bored in her walk.

Kumquat: And they are so calling her on it. Nice picture though.

Poodle: Oh yeah. I totally agree. Sorry, Nigel’s talking, honey, and I want to imagine how much more chest hair I’m missing.

Kumquat: Janice thinks Ann looks like a man? Has she looked in a mirror lately. I know a few drag queens that look like her. Remember that waitress at Lips?

Poodle: Cookie?

Kumquat: You know it. Perfect look-a-like for Ute Lemper. Tri-Corner wants Norelle in Japan.

Poodle: Well if this was Japan’s Next Top Model.

Kumquat: You just wanted to mimic Nigel.

Poodle: If I get to see more chest hair then I’ll do what I have to do. Okay is this hour over yet?

Kumquat: Almost, Poo. Almost.

Amanda is called up first.

Poodle: Did she just shuffle up in that kimono?

Kumquat: She’s playing it to the hilt in that thing.

Yadda is called next…

Poodle: She didn’t shuffle up there.

Kumquat: She wants out of that damn thing is why…

Eva is next.

Poodle: Tyra told her. Leave it at the door honey.

Kumquat: We’ll see?

Poodle: Why? You’re going to watch next week.

Kumquat: I just might. I’m intrigued.

Poodle: I’ll bring the blue bippies. It’ll be a party.

Down to the final two, Norelle and Ann.

Kumquat: Oh God, Tyra just shut up. Can you drag it out for another hour before you tell us who’s going home?

Ann gets her photo, so Norelle is sent packing.

Kumquat: Oh. One third of the lesbian love triangle is gone. I’m sad. And they just hugged again. And then she hugged Eva. They are so confusing me.

Poodle: Ooh. Pretty blue eyes in that picture. And then she just fades away in. I’m sad.

Kumquat: Me too.

More clean-up commences during the commercials.

Poodle: How many times are they going to show that commercial with Snoop Dog inquiring about when to add fabric softener to Molly Shannon?

Kumquat: He’s a man. He won’t read the directions on the back of the bottle.

Next week on ANTM…

Poodle: Why is Ann looking like a reject from Ringling Brothers next week?

Kumquat: Maybe they think that’s hot in Japan?

Poodle: Oh dear Lord… you know I have to watch now.

Kumquat: I’ll bring more sake next week…

Poodle McClure is the evil alter ego of C. Brian Devinney, the infamous recapper of far too many seasons of The Bachelor(ette) and two painful seasons of Average Joe. Kumquat Jones is one of his friends who has opted to go anonymous lest he admit that he watches as much reality TV as Brian. You can send your rants, raves, questions, comments, snide remarks, or recipes for his leftover Thanksgiving turkey to TheRealityFactor@aol.com. Also, if you know Kathy Griffin or Nigel Barker and can arrange an introduction, Brian would love you more than his luggage. No really. He means it.

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