The Family, Episode 8: Sitting in Judgment

Greetings, everyone, and welcome to the biggest night (aside from next week’s finale) of the first season of The Family. This is the night where we will go from three to just one and where the identity of the Board of Trustees is finally revealed. And my apologies for the late publishing of this recap… you know how life can get sometimes…

But some viewer mail first…

If I had to do a quick ratio of the pro-Cousin Mike mail versus the pro-anyone immediately related to Aunt Donna mail, it would be a landslide for Cousin Mike. I think his outsider underdog persona has helped him, but what really has warmed him in the hearts of the viewers is that he is always very polite and well mannered. Everyone who has emailed about him (and sorry I can’t set you up on a date with him, but Mike, if you want some emails about it, I’m sure I can help ya there) has mentioned how polite and well-mannered he is with everyone. Nothing really seems to ruffle his feathers and if it does, he tends to shrug it off. He’s not only made a great impression with the Board but with the viewers as well.

Then I got this email where someone (and I wish you had put your real name in your Yahoo! Account because I would have actually mentioned your name) asked what crack I had to be on to actually say something nice about Aunt Donna (since, frankly, no one else has asked me to have my head examined since I penned those epic words a few weeks ago). Well, I think I am fully justified when I go against what seems better judgment to say something nice about her. Let’s face it - her son was acting like a total punk (and those are the lovely head housekeeper Linda’s words, not mine, although I may tend to agree with her on that one).

Finally, there are those that are wondering why Uncle Michael hasn’t upgraded on the marital front. Personally, I think Aunt Donna, though misguided on more than one occasion, is a nice compliment for Uncle Michael. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again - you can tell these two still really love each other and are there for each other when they need that extra support. It’s actually very refreshing to see since we’ve become more accustomed to the Jerry Springer-style of relationships where the husband not only wants to sleep with his wife, but the next door neighbor, her daughter, and her daughter’s boyfriend. So for everything bad that I’ve said about Aunt Donna, it really means that I admire the relationship she has with her husband all that more.

Or something like that.

But onto the show…previously on The Family…

After Cousin Anthony was abducted by aliens, Cousin Melinda tried to make it back to the estate to alert the family, but she ran off the road and slammed her car into a tree, sending her into a state of amnesia that made her think she was really Lola Espinada, a busty exotic dancer with the incredible ability to contort herself around a pole. However, when Cousins Ed and Robert came in for a bachelor party, they recognized their cousin but she sadly didn’t remember them. Meanwhile, Aunt Donna wondered where her son is and sent her husband out to find him, only to have Uncle Michael fall over the side of the ravine and break his leg. Now, can Cousins Mike and Dawn Marie find him before Cousin Maria, out of the psychiatric ward and armed with a shotgun, finds him first? And will Jill go to jail for choking Jill Swid with… what else… a choker in the battle to be the last Jill standing?

Why haven’t The Young and the Restless or Guiding Light called me? I’m giving them primo story lines here.

Anyway, the real story goes as follows. If we all remember, last week Uncle Michael was given the shaft by the Board of Directors in favor of Cousin Ed. This put Uncle Michael in the kitchen with the outcasts and Cousin Ed in the final three with Cousins Mike and Dawn Marie. Of course, Aunt Donna was pissed about it. Uncle Michael now has to join the family in the kitchen for all of their meals. Of course, this doesn’t make Robert too happy because he’s been planning his return to the game since he was eliminated, but I swear, he’s already won enough as it is, so why should he be allowed to go back and compete for the top prize one more time?

This is where Uncle Michael drops his bomb that he’s supposedly been carrying around with him since the family got together in Florida but decided not to tell anyone until of course he got eliminated, which means, of course, it puts him in a better position to go back into the game to win the million dollars. Before we go any further, there’s that kickass housekeeper Linda telling us that the reason she didn’t vote for Uncle Michael to stay in the game was because she thought he would be even more of a dictator with the money than he is right now. Let’s see if she’s right…

If he wins the money, he wants it to be shared equally amongst the family members. Of course, the first thing out of my mouth was, “Including Cousin Mike?” Now remember, everyone has pretty much considered him to be an outsider and not really a part of the family since he’s only the son of Aunt Donna’s brother-in-law’s brother (or something like that - but wouldn’t that still make him a brother-in-law? Think about it - if it’s her brother-in-law’s brother, isn’t that still a brother-in law? Am I on crack here?). Of course, allusions were made to a previous conversation we never saw where it was mentioned that perhaps the winner of the whole show will take home a larger portion of the grand prize with the remainder evenly divided between the remaining family members. Only Robert could have come up with that plan, we are led to believe, and frankly, let’s be a bit honest here… if I won the million dollars (even if I had already been booted out of the house), I think I would have requested a bit more of the cash as well. Let’s face it, if I’m doing the work to get the money, do you not think I’m going to be taking a larger cut since I’m the one who is winning it and you are only sharing in the largesse?

But that’s just me. And the fact that I just agreed with Robert on something… kinda scary, don’t ya think?

Robert thinks that Uncle Michael only brought up this plan at the last minute in order to win favor to get back into the game, and it puts a monkey wrench in his plans to reenter and win it all. Now, let’s all think back here before we jump on the “Oh yeah, right, like Aunt Donna would share the million dollars with anyone beyond her husband and son” bandwagon. Aunt Donna has consistently expressed concern that if Cousin Mike won, he wouldn’t share the money. I’m a bit more apt to believe (and a bit more apt to have my head examined for saying what I’m about to say) that Aunt Donna would indeed have shared the money with the family if she had won. Now, I don’t know if it would have been the equal share plan that Uncle Michael advocated, but she would have cut them in for sure. Even Cousin Mike.