Big Brother 4, September 10: Hail The Final Three!

I know most of you have gotten used to my longer, more detailed and snark-filled style of recapping, and honestly, that's what I have the most fun doing too, but between tonight's episode falling to me at the last possible minute, doing double duty as acting editor of the site for a couple days while David Bloomberg's away, and eviction episodes needing recaps sooner than others, time constraints prevent me from doing something that thorough. So I'm just going to look upon this as an exercise in speed recapping, and hopefully it'll still hold at least some interest.

Julie Chen, the newscaster from CBS, welcomes us to the episode of Big Brother, the reality series on CBS, and starts in with the usual claptrap about HouseGuest X, the Occupation Y from Town Z, instead of just spitting out the name and moving on like any sane person would. Here's the fake newscast graphics of the HouseGuests on the giant screen, and here's the patented Julie Chen "But first…" Dramatic Emphasis Change Rise From Seat And Walk Forward. Tonight's "But first…" is an extended segment on how Alison holds all the cards as the Diamond Power of Veto holder: if she uses it, Erika goes on the block in her place and Alison casts the lone eviction vote. You already knew that, you say? But wait - Alison's unpredictable and untrustworthy so the other HouseGuests are on pins and needles! Oh wait - you already knew that too? Welcome to Wednesday episodes. Anyway, notable bits of interest among the filler: there's a hysterical split screen of Jun and Erika both separately and simultaneously saying they have an alliance with Alison. Erika tells an overwrought Alison that she can vote Erika out if that's what she needs to do for her strategy and it's OK. Robert tries to sway Alison to evict Jun by saying that the jury would respect her for it. In a conversation that started about lying and gameplay, Robert moves Erika to tears when he apologizes to Erika for all the lies he told her in their relationship, says she was the perfect girlfriend and it was all his fault, and that he wants to make it up to her on the outside if she ever needs anything - he considers her like family now. She tells him she knows he's sincere and locks herself in the toilet room for a cry. Finally, Alison, big shocker, declares that she's going to vote in her best interest. Alison's subtext: Me! Me me me me me!

Julie "checks in" on the HouseGuests, i.e. peppers them with banal questions and makes inane chatter like "The couch looks so small with only four of you left!" Robert, Erika, and Alison all concur that they were able to relax and enjoy themselves and take their minds off the game whether on the blimp ride or left behind at home, while Jun misses Jee because he was fun to pick on and good at throwing out the trash. But Alison's still - eh, I don't have time to finish the cheap shot. Furthermore, Robert enjoyed the phone call with his daughter and Alison says it feels really good to have the veto medallion around her neck again! "I'll bet it does," deadpans Julie. I am really starting to think Julie doesn't care for Alison all that much. She tells them she'll be back for the LIVE VETO AND EVICTION MEETING. She says that phrase about 27.3 times over the course of the episode for the Ritalin-deprived. But first, DRAMATIC PIVOT, more HouseGuest/occupation/residence yakking and then: "He's endured DAYS of eating only PB&J! HOURS locked inside a steel cage! And even the PAINFUL SEPARATION from his seven-year-old daughter!" Oh, get off it, Julie - it's Robert, not a P.O.W. But this is the wildly melodramatic cue for a segment on Robert Going Insane Being The Last Man In The House followed by his Head of Household interview with Julie.

Robert says the girls drive him crazy because 95% of what they talk about is completely superficial and he can't relate; not that he thinks he's smarter or better, he clarifies as his sunglasses fall off his head. Heh. Alison's voice drives him insane; hearing it first thing in the morning puts him in a bad mood for the rest of the day. She does have this really piercing bray that cuts through your sinuses like a buzzsaw. He also hates the way she's constantly posing and puckering in every mirror in the house. Jun constantly talks about sex and how badly she needs it; quite frankly, he doesn't want to picture Jun having sex with anybody! "I'm a dirty little whore!" declares Jun in a soundbite that could be taken out of context about twenty different ways. Not bothering to consider that perhaps we don't want to picture him having sex with anybody, he tells us that having Erika prance around in a black bikini makes him sexually frustrated as he has lots of memories! TFS - thanks for sharing. "Stop picking your nose," Erika orders him. Heh.

In his interview with Julie, he says he's surprised and grateful that he's gotten closer to Erika again, but all they have is a good friendship; anything else is just harmless flirting. If Erika winds up leaving, his gut tells him he'd be safer to stick with Alison. Julie Chen saying, "Bitches, sluts, and whores" never fails to amuse me. When questioned on his referring to our remaining female trio as such, he's embarrassed and says he was just very mad at the time and wasn't thinking; he's not happy about it and didn't mean it. He's reluctant to talk about his chances of winning because he's superstitious. Julie dismisses him and after more inane claptrap, brings us to a segment on what former HouseGuests Amanda, David, and Michelle have been doing since their evictions.

David's not too bummed about being evicted so early and is looking for a job that will enable him to keep hanging out at the beach and surfing. Michelle's started the fall semester at Florida State University and says it's kind of fun when other students recognize her. Amanda's back in Chicago managing a bar and having fun. As far as her night of sex with David, it just kind of happened and she's not embarrassed and doesn't regret it; her family's a different story. David similarly has no regrets; as far as his grandmother, whom he mentioned shortly post-sex by remarking wryly, "Grandma's gonna love this!" - she actually was tickled he gave her a cameo! Michelle was disgusted that David not only had sex, but also lied to her about it; we see him telling her he and Amanda just kissed. David's called her a few times, but she's choosing to keep her distance and hasn't returned his calls. Amanda went out to visit David in L.A. for a week and had fun; he concurs and says they have a good friendship. As far as love, she says, it's too soon to tell. There's an extremely hokey segment of them text messaging each other; just because American Idol featured it doesn't mean you have to, producers. Michelle was shocked by how many times she said "like" and "wow." She can't stand Alison and wants to strangle her every time she's on the screen! David tells us that making out with Alison was pure strategy to try to get her vote and he ran and rinsed his mouth out with mouthwash immediately following; we see footage of him doing just that! As far as all his crazy antics, he was just having fun being himself and making everyone wonder what he was up to. Amanda says it wasn't fun being the first evicted, but she's happy she did it and she'd do it again. Michelle thinks it was the opportunity of a lifetime. David gets the last word by squealing like a pig, which brings to mind something one of my teachers once told me: "I have no idea what's going on inside your head, but it must be an interesting place."